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The following is a transcript for the episode "Yes Man".

Script

[Lori and Leni's closet]
Lori: "Why is your scarf on my shelf?"
Leni: "Maybe your shelf is underneath my scarf! Did you ever think of that?"
Luna: [opens the door] "Yo, dudes, who can spot me some green?"
Leni: [squeals] "I wanna play!" [looking around] "Um...that sweater! That plant! Wait! Are my eyes green?" [crosses her eyes]
Luna: "No, I mean I need cash! There's a Mick Swagger auction today, and I really need to buy this beauty!" [shows a ragged filthy worn-out shirt on her phone] "Mick wore it every night of his Mild Horses tour. It still has his pit stains."
Lori: "Well, Leni and I are literally broke. Try Mom and Dad."
Luna: "Mom and Dad? What's the point, dude? They'll just lay that whole "big family, small budget" rap on me! Bogus!"
Leni: [screams with her eyes still crossed] "Lori, I think my eyes are stuck."


[On Lincoln's laptop, Clyde, Liam, and Zach are putting on SMOOCH outfits.]
Clyde: "Lincoln, where are you? I thought we were getting ready together."
Liam: "Yeah. We gotta put our faces on if we're gonna hang with them rock stars."
Lincoln: [in his grownup outfit] "Hold on." [puts them on hold, holds up a SMOOCH poster and speaks to the viewers.] "SMOOCH is having a special VIP concert tonight, where you get to go backstage and meet the band. In the immortal words of my sister Luna..." [does his rock pose] "...it's gonna be rockin'!" [gets back on with his friends.] "I'll be right over. I just gotta get the money for my ticket."
Clyde: "What? You haven't asked your parents yet?
Lincoln: "Guys, don't worry. You know I'm the Master of Convincing. Especially when it comes to my parents."
[A sulking Luna overhears this.]
Lincoln: "Got my suit dry-cleaned, my speech written, my turkey tail slicked...yes, sir, I'm ready to go."
[Luna comes in]
Luna: [to Lincoln's friends] "You say goodbye, and I say hello!" [closes the screen]
Lincoln: [upset] "Luna!"
Luna: "Sorry, bro. It's an emergency. You gotta help me convince the 'rents to cough up the dough for this." [holds up the shirt picture]
Lincoln: "I think that's the wrong picture. It looks like a sweaty T-Shirt."
Luna: "Yeah! Mick Swagger's sweaty T-Shirt!"
Lincoln: "I'd love to help you, but I have my own business to attend to."
Luna: "But, dude, the auction ends in an hour! Come on! This is urge!"
Lincoln: "Why do you need my help?"
Luna: "You said it yourself, bro; you're the Master of Convincing! Please! I ain't too proud to beg!" [she says in a begging pose.]
Lincoln: [sighs] "Okay, fine."
Luna: [elated] "Radical! So, what's the plan? You gonna write me a speech? Do I get to wear the blue suit?"
Lincoln: "No, no. The secret to convincing is to use your strengths."
[Cut to Luna playing her guitar and singing to her parents.]
Luna: "♫And that's why I need the pit-stained T!♫ I SAY PIT, YOU SAY STAIN! PIT!"
Lynn Sr. and Rita: "STAIN!"
Luna: "PIT!"
Lynn Sr. and Rita: "STAIN!"
Lynn Sr.: "Woo-hoo! Take the cash!"
[He throws it everywhere to Luna's delight. She goes back to Lincoln.]
Luna: "♫The 'rents gave me money for this crusty T / Thank you, baby bro, for helping me!♫"
Lincoln: "No problem. Now it's my turn."
[The other sisters are suddenly there.]
Lynn: "Whoa! He helped you get money from Mom and Dad?"
Luna: "Yup. He's the Master of Convincing."
Lincoln: [notices Luna's head a little too close.] "Watch the turkey tail!"
Leni: "Ooh! Can you help me and Lori, too? We need a closet organizer."
Luan: "Yeah. I need a tuxedo for Mr. Coconuts."
Lisa: "I require certain isotopes for my research."
Lucy: "I need the preserved skeleton of an 1840's gold miner."
Lincoln: "Guys, I can't deal with this right now. I have my own thing to take care of."
Lola: [feigning sadness] "Oh, we get it. You love Luna the best."
Lynn: [also feigning] "We'll just watch her enjoy the thing you helped her get."
Lori: [feigning as well] "Oh, sorry to bother you, Lincoln. We mistook you for someone who cared about all of his sisters."
[They start to leave with all except Luna looking sad.]
Lincoln: [sighs] "Okay, fine."
[The other sisters come back beaming.]
Lincoln: "Now, the key to convincing is to use your strengths."
[Luan and Mr. Coconuts go first.]
Luan: [voicing Mr. Coconuts] "Well, folks, you've been great. I'd stay longer, but I have a family reunion at the lumber yard. Har-har-har!"
[The parents laugh]
Rita: "Oh, Mr. Coconuts, you are too funny."
Lynn Sr.: [still laughing] "I can't-I can't-"
Luan: [sad] "Yeah. It's too bad he can't go to the big comedy gala. It's black tie, and he can't afford a tuxedo." [as Mr. Coconuts] "Aw, coconuts!"
Lynn Sr.: "What? He has to go!"
[He gives Luan the money and she gives Lincoln a wink and a thumbs up, as Lincoln gives her a thumbs up back. Next, Lola and Lana are looking at their parents with big pleading eyes.]
Lola: "Gee, Daddy, if you got me a new engine for my jeep, I'd be the happiest little girl in the world."
Lana: "And I'd be her happy little grease monkey."
Lynn Sr.: [infatuated by their cuteness] "Aw. How can I say no to my adorable little girls."
[He gives them their money, they give Lincoln a thumbs-up, he gives one back. Next is Lisa with VR goggles.]
Lisa: "Behold a simulation of a future made possible by my latest research."
[The parents put them on.]
Rita: "Honey, this is amazing! [watches a housekeeping robot clean the kitchen.]
Lisa: "True, but it can't come to fruition until I get my hands on the necessary isotopes."
Lynn Sr.: "Then you shall have those isotopes!" [gives her the money to her delight.]
Rita: "Wait. What is this?" [sees a giant cybernetic bug crawling all over the house.]
Lisa: "Uh-oh. There's still a few glitches in the system, but I'm dealing with them."
[She gives Lincoln a thumbs-up as he gives her one back. Next is Lynn who's playing Basketball with her Dad with a hoop in the living room, and it appears she's losing.]
Lynn: [acting] "Four-zip? You are destroying me."
Lynn Sr.: "That's what you get for challenging your old man."
Lynn: "How about this: if I can beat you, you buy me a new basketball hoop for the garage?"
Lynn Sr.: "It never hurts to dream."
[Lynn grabs the ball and makes enough baskets to beat her old man at the game while he lays on the ground from a botched play.]
Lynn Sr.: [in pain] "Honey, can you get my wallet from my pocket? I think I sprained, well...everything."
[Lynn thumbs-up Lincoln as he thumbs her up back. Next is Lucy with a gravestone with her name etched in pretending to do a eulogy.]
Lucy: "Today, we remember Lucy Loud, who lived to be 105 but never got over the dashed childhood dream of owning a real human skeleton."
Rita: [despondent yet knowing as her husband holds out the cash.] "We get it. You can have the money."
[Lucy turns and smiles to Lincoln.]
TRANSLATION: THANK YOU
[Lincoln gives her a finger snap.]
TRANSLATION: NO PROBLEMO
[Next is Lori and Leni who are talking at the same time.]
Lori: "We need a better closet system..."
Leni: "We need a better closet organizer..."
Lori: "...because there's an odd..."
Leni: "...because some stuff is hers..."
Lori: "...number of shelves and even number of girls..."
Leni: "...but some stuff is mine that used to be hers..."
Lori: "...which means..."
Lynn Sr.: [gives them the money, unable to take it anymore.] "Okay, okay, take the money! Just please stop talking."
[The parents fall over on the sofa exhausted from their two oldest daughters talking so much. The sisters smile to Lincoln who tells them to just move along. Finally, Lily shows her parents a catalog for a doll called Teddy Listen. Her parents are not sure, so Lily starts crying so loud, the sound carries throughout the whole world and the cosmos.]
Lynn Sr. and Rita: [tortured] "PLEASE, TAKE THE MONEY!" [gives it to her]
Lily: [giggles and claps in happiness]
Lincoln: "Finally! It's the master's turn."
[He and Lily high-five each other. Lincoln has just finished up his speech.]
LINCOLN LOUD'S THREE R'S
Lincoln: "And those are the three R's of why you should fund my ticket to the VIP SMOOCH concert tonight. A-thank you."
Rita: "Well, we always enjoy your little presentations."
Lincoln: "A-thank you."
Lynn Sr:. "And you are looking sharp in that suit."
Lincoln: "A-thank you."
Rita: "And as much as we'd love to help you, the answer is no."
Lincoln: [thinking they said yes] "Sweet! Cash is fine, but if you need to do a check-" [realizes] "Wait. What?"
[His turkey tail stands up. Lola is racing around in her Princess car with Lana having tuned up the new engine.]
Lola: "WOO! This baby flies now!"
Lana: "That's what happens when you're packing six ponies under the hood!"
Lincoln: "Okay, don't panic. You're still the Master of Convincing. You just need to raise your game a little." [Lola's car gets soot all over his suit.] "But first, back to the dry cleaner."


[The basement. Rita is doing laundry and Lincoln pops out, scaring her.]
Lincoln: "Mother, if I can have your attention for just a moment." [shows her a slide show of the band] "SMOOCH. They've been called one of the seminal rock bands of our time."
Rita: "No, Lincoln."
[Lynn Sr. is in the kitchen making dinner and goes to the cupboard where Lincoln pops out with a chart.]
Lincoln: "Hi, Dad. Thought you might be interested in this graph, which shows a direct correlation between rock concerts attended and a tween's sense of well-being."
Lynn Sr.: "No, Lincoln." [grabs a can and closes the cupboard on his son.]
[The parents are reading on the sofa and Lincoln peeks over and pops in.]
Lincoln: "You may be wondering, "What's in it for us if we buy Lincoln that SMOOCH ticket?" Well, I'll tell you." [holds up a coupon] "A coupon for five Lily diaper changes. Max two poopies."
Lynn Sr. and Rita: "No!"


[Lincoln goes upstairs]
Lincoln: "I can't believe I'm not going to the concert! Me, the Master of Convincing!"
Luna: [comes out of Lynn and Lucy's room with her guitar.] "What's up, bro?"
Lincoln: [sighs] "I had a chance to meet SMOOCH tonight, but I can't convince Mom and Dad to buy me a ticket." [sighs again]
Lisa: [comes out of her room] "How is that possible? As you have amply demonstrated, you are the Master of Convincing."
Leni: "Did you remember to play to my strengths?"
Lori: "No, Leni, you play to your strengths; he plays to his."
Leni: "Okay. Just saying." [holds up her closet organizer] "It worked for me. My skirts look so happy!"
Lincoln: "Wait a minute! You might be onto something. Everything I told you guys to do worked. Luna, can I borrow your guitar!"
Luna: "You kiddin' me, dude? No way!"
Lincoln: [frustrated] "Ahh! I can't convince anyone of anything!"
Luna: "I'm just messin' with ya, bro." [hands him the guitar as he softly chuckles.]
[Now, Lincoln is doing what Luna did.]
Lincoln: "♫And that's why I need a ticket to SMOOCH♫ I say SMOOCH, you say tickets! SMOOCH!"
Rita and Lynn Sr.: "No!"
Lincoln: "SMOOCH!"
Rita: "Lincoln..."
Lincoln: "Wait! Not done yet!" [puts down the guitar and uses Mr. Coconuts.] "What kind of flowers do you bring to a SMOOCH concert? Tulips! Get it?"
Lynn Sr.: "No, Lincoln!"
Lincoln: [still as Mr. Coconuts] "You know, tulips. Like, two lips."
Rita: "We get the joke, but you still can't go."
Lincoln: "Not done!" [holds a basketball] "If I make this shot, I get to go!" [throws the ball but misses the hoop and gets hit by the ball.] "Oof!"
Rita: "Son-"
Lincoln: [puts buckets on his parents' head to do what Lisa did.] "Behold, a simulation of a future in which you bought me a SMOOCH VIP ticket."
Lynn Sr.: "I don't see anything."
Rita: "Please tell me this isn't the bucket we clean the bathroom with."
Lincoln: "Moving on!" [takes the buckets off, brings in Lucy's gravestone with his name taped over Lucy's and pretends to do a eulogy.] "Today, we remember Lincoln Loud, who lived to be 150, but never got over the dashed childhood dream of hanging out with SMOOCH."
Lynn Sr.: "Lincoln, please, we-"
Lincoln: "Not done!" [puts on makeup and does what the twins did in a cutesy tone.] "If you get me that ticket, I'll be the happiest wittle boy in the world."
Rita: "You're not listening, honey. We-"
Lincoln: "Not done!" [starts talking fast and a bunch like Lori and Leni did.] "I really wanna go, it's an amazing opportunity, and I know I saw them before, but this is different because the seats would be better, and I'm also going to get to go backstage, and-"
Lynn Sr.: "Lincoln-"
Lincoln: "Hold that thought." [holds up a SMOOCH concert and pretends to cry, which Lily gives a thumbs down.]
Rita: "Lincoln, it doesn't matter how you ask us, the answer is no."
Lynn Sr.: "We'd love to get you the ticket, but we're out of money. We gave it all to your sisters."
Rita: "Maybe if you'd asked us earlier in the day."
[Lincoln sulks and his turkey tail droops. His sisters look at what just happened and feel guilty.]


[Later that night, in Lincoln's room.]
Lincoln: [depressed] "Well, that's it. I have officially missed the entire VIP concert." [sighs]
[Someone knocks on his door and slips an envelope under it. Lincoln opens it and finds a card inside.]
Lincoln: "VIB: Very Important Brother?"
[Rock music starts playing]
Lincoln: "Huh?"
[He peeks outside and sees Luna in her Mick shirt and some makeup to look like a SMOOCH member.]
Luna: "Hey, bro!" [plays her guitar] "ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR!"
[All of his sisters except Lucy, and even Mr. Coconuts, are dressed up like SMOOCH members and start playing a song.]
Sisters except Lucy and Lily:

"♫Lincoln Loud, Lincoln Loud, the best dang brother anywhere around
Lincoln Loud, Lincoln Loud, the best dang brother anywhere around
♫"


Luna:

♫"He helped me get this T that's sweaty


Luan as Mr. Coconuts:

"♫He helped me get red carpet ready♫"


Leni:

"♫He helped us buy that closet thing♫"


[Lori nudges Lucy]


Lucy:

"I told you, guys. I don't wanna sing."


Lincoln: "Wow. [turns to the viewers] Can you believe this? My sisters are pretty cool. [Turns back to his sisters] Even if I can't see SMOOCH, this is definitely the next best thing!"
Luna: "LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, SMOOCH!"
Lincoln: [shocked] "What?"
[SMOOCH's tour bus stops right at the Loud House and Lincoln comes out.]
Lincoln: "How did you get SMOOCH?"
Luna: "We've learned to be pretty convincing, thanks to some advice from the master!"
Everyone except Lucy and Lily:

"♫Lincoln Loud, Lincoln Loud, the best dang brother anywhere around
Lincoln Loud, Lincoln Loud, the best dang brother anywhere around
♫"


[Lisa, Lola and Lana take Lincoln to the VIB section.]
Lincoln: "Wow. The guys are never going to believe this."
[To his surprise, Clyde, Liam and Zach are there, too.]
Clyde: "We wouldn't, except we're right here!"
Pucker:

"♫Your sisters told us that you went so far
To help them out, you're a real rock star
Everyone has had their fun
The song is over, so we gotta RUUUUUUUUUUN!!!
BA-BA-BA-BA-BOW!♫
"

[In the middle lyric, Lincoln's sisters hug him. At that very last lyric, the giant cybernetic bug from Lisa's virtual reality simulation's glitch emerges from the house and everyone runs away at the very sight of it as the episode irises out and Lily giggles off screen.]