The following is a transcript for "Toads and Tiaras".
[Lola is showing her posture]
Lincoln: [on a megaphone] "Good. And turn..." [Lola turns to the viewers] "...and wave." [Lola waves to the viewers] "More teeth." [Lola gives an oversized grin] "Less teeth." [Lola turns it down a bit with a nice pearly white smile] "Excellent! Keep it up!" [wearing a headband that says "GO LOLA!" on it; to the viewers] "You might be wondering why I'm helping Lola practice for a beauty contest. Well, tomorrow is the Little Miss Prim and Perfect Pageant, and the winner gets the greatest prize ever: two season passers to Dairyland A-Moo-sement Park! That's one for Lola and one for coach. I've been working my butt off all week to make sure she wins."
[A montage shows Lincoln prepping up Lola. First, he applies blush onto her face.]
[Her sneeze gets glitter all over Lincoln. Second, she spits out her two front teeth retainer for Lincoln to brush]
Lincoln: [grossed out] "Oh...oh, Gah!"
[He starts brushing. Third, he irons her dress with his left hand, brushes her hair with his right, and paints her nails with his right foot as she lays in bed in a robe, with cucumbers on her eyes and white bunny slippers. End montage. Lincoln uses a lint catcher as Lola poses.]
Lincoln: "It's been a long, hard road. But once we get to Dairyland, it'll all be worth it."
[A frog passes by, and Lana is chasing it.]
Lana: "Get back here, Hops!"
[Lana passes by Lincoln and Lola, unknowingly splashing mud onto them. Lincoln quickly raises Lola to prevent her from getting dirty, causing him to get covered completely in mud. He lowers Lola, as she looks back at Lincoln]
Lincoln: "Lana, watch out! Do you know how hard it is to steam clean chiffon?"
Lana: "Blah blah blah blah blah." [goes back in the house]
Lincoln: [wiping off the mud and reading a book] "Okay, Lola, let's move onto your walk. Remember what Gil DeLily says in his best-selling book: "Unlocking Your Inner Pageant Queen", To win the day, you must sashay."
Lola: "I know how to walk, Lincoln."
[As she practices her walk, Lincoln notices a loose bottle of hairspray on the ground. Lola steps and slips and the rest of the scene plays in slow motion.]
Lincoln: "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" [tries to save Lola but is too late]
[Lola is now severely injured and resting in bed]
Lincoln: "Okay, minor setback. We can still win this thing."
Lola: "Wake up and smell the hairspray, Lincoln. It's over!"
Lincoln: [desperate] "You can't just quit! We worked hard on this!"
Lola: "There will be other pageants, you know."
Lincoln: [forlorn] "But not with Dairyland tickets."
Lola: "Lincoln, I need my beauty rest. As your pal, Gil DeLily would say, I can't recover if you're going to hover."
[Lincoln is gathering up all of the pageant supplies]
Lincoln: "I can't believe I learned to French Braid for nothing."
[Lana picks up the practice tiara]
Lana: "Hey, Lincoln. You done with this? I could use the scrap metal for welding."
[Lincoln takes a look at Lana, gasps with inspiration, and switches her cap out with the tiara. A heavenly image with four comic strip characters as angels tooting horns appears as a choir sings]
[Lincoln looks on with hope in his eyes]
Lana: "Uh...why are you looking at me like that?"
Lincoln: "Lana, how would you like a season pass to Dairyland?"
[The same heavenly background appears again with Lana gasping with joy]
Lana: [fighting the temptation] "Don't toy with me, Lincoln!"
Lincoln: "I'm not! All you have to do is one teensy, tiny, little thing."
Lana: [desperate] "What is it? I'll do anything!"
Lincoln: "You just have to take Lola's place in the Little Miss Prim and Perfect Pageant and win."
Lana: [nauseated] "Are you kidding me?! Bleh! Do you know who you're talking to?"
Lincoln: [determined] "Someone who's going to love Dairyland's newest ride..." [shows a pamphlet of the ride] "...the Milk Shaker. It's so fast, you can barf, fly around a loop, and get hit in the face with said barf."
Lana: [giving in] "Darn you, Lincoln! I am in!" [worried with realization] "But wait. What if Lola finds out? You know what she's capable of."
[An image of Lola looking on demonically with hellfire in the background is shown as a cultist choir chants. Lincoln and Lana shudder with terror.]
Lincoln: "She won't find out. I promise."
[They shake on it with Lana getting mud on Lincoln's hand]
Lincoln: "Bleh. First off, we gotta clean you up. Dirt on your face gets you last place."
[Lincoln sneaks into the twins' room and takes out one of Lola's dresses. She wakes up.]
Lola: "What are you doing with that?!"
Lincoln: [nervous] "Oh, this?" [chuckles] "Just, uh...getting it dry cleaned. You keep healing, sunshine."
[Lincoln leaves and Lola looks on still suspicious. Lana is now wearing the dress.]
Lana: "What is this weird sparkly towel?"
Lincoln: "It's called a dress, Lana. Now, hold still while I work my magic." [sprays and combs Lana's hair]
Lana: "Ugh! It smells like princess farts!"
[The spray makes its way over to the twins' room. Lola smells it and heads to the bathroom with a sinister look on her face. She barges in and finds Lincoln with his shirt off and spraying his armpits with the spray.]
Lincoln: "Oh, hey, Lola! Your hairspray makes a great deodorant. It really covers up that musky man smell."
Lola: "Hmm..." [leaves]
[Lincoln and Lana sigh with relief]
Lincoln: "Help me get my arms unstuck."
Lana: "You're gonna feel some slight discomfort and..."
[Lana rips Lincoln's arms apart from their pits which makes him scream in agony]
Lincoln: "Time to work on what Gil DeLily calls the Three W's: Walk, Wave, and Work it."
[Lana walks and waves with a smile]
Lincoln: "Okay, we're walking, we're waving...but we're just not working it."
[Lana tries posing attractively, but some tools fall out of her dress]
Lincoln: "Tools in your dress? Seriously?"
Lana: "Handyman's code, Lincoln. Always be prepared."
Lincoln: "You are not a handyman! You are a pageant queen!"
[A snow shovel pours out of Lana's dress and Lincoln looks at her disappointed]
Lana: "What? It's supposed to snow tonight!"
[Lincoln facepalms. Now they're rehearsing the Q&A portion of the pageant.]
Lincoln: [using a hairbrush for a mic] "Lola, what can a six-year-old do to make the world a better place?"
Lana: "Um..." [starts scratching her butt]
Lincoln: "Lana, you can't scratch your butt!"
Lana: "What? It helps me think!"
Lincoln: "Well, knock it off! Those who scratch lose the match."
[The talent portion]
Lincoln; "Okay, talent portion. Whatcha got?"
[Lana plays a ditty with her armpit]
Lincoln: "Impressive, but I'm gonna pass." [pulls out something from his supplies] "How about a ribbon dance? It shows elegance and poise."
Lana: [reluctant] "Excuse me while I go barf."
Lincoln: "Lana, I'm busting my hump trying to turn you into a pageant queen, and all I'm getting is lip. Do you want those Dairyland tickets or not?"
Lana: "Okay, okay, you're right!"
Lincoln: "As Gil says, She who gives 'tude-"
Lana: [slaps the book out of his hand] "I ALREADY AGREED!"
[A training montage commences. Lincoln performs a perfect ribbon dance, but Lana gets tied up in her ribbon. He teaches her how to curtsy, and she lifts her dress up too high. He shows her how to walk elegantly, and she gets the hang of it but trips and regains her composure. She masters curtsying, the three W's, and the ribbon dance. Lincoln is so moved at her improvement and the toys all give her a perfect score.]
Lincoln: "Whoo-hoo! Lana, look at you! You've done it! You're prim and perfect."
Lana: "I never thought I'd say it, but this feels pretty good. I don't even mind the sparkly towel."
Lincoln and Lana: "DAIRYLAND, HERE WE COME!!!"
[The next day at the pageant, Lincoln and Lana arrive and Lana is a little worried about the competition.]
Lana: "Whoa. Look at those girls! They're all so clean and sparkly."
Lincoln: "Well, so are you. You're as good as any of them!"
[A cameraman walks by]
Lincoln: "I didn't know this was going to be on TV. Good thing we don't get the Princess Channel."
[Unfortunately, Mr. Loud has just ordered the Princess Channel so that Lola can watch the pageant and is treating her with milk and cookies to make her feel better]
Lola: [sweetly grateful] "Thanks for getting me the Princess Channel, daddy!"
Lynn Sr.: "No problem, sweetie. It was either that or the Sports Channel. And who needs that, huh?" [walks off lamenting]
[The pageant starts]
Donnie: "Welcome to the Little Miss Prim and Perfect Pageant! I'm your host, Donnie Dufresne. Let's meet America's junior sweethearts. Hailing from Royal Woods, Miss Lola Loud!"
[Lana waves. Lola spits out her milk in shock and gasps]
Lola: "What is going on?!"
Lana: "I'd like to thank my coach and brother, Lincoln!"
[Lincoln waves to her and the camera]
Lola: [furious] "Lincoln! I should have known!"
Lana: "And I just want to say it is great to be here!" [belches] "Sorry you were downwind of that, Donnie." [nudges Donnie's arm]
Lola: "THEY'RE RUINING ME! AND THEY WILL PAY!" [lividly limps off to the pageant]
Lynn Sr.: [changing the channel order] "WOO! Sports Channel, here I come!"
[Lana has finished up her introduction and heads backstage]
Lincoln: "Lana, what were you thinking? Remember what Gil says, If you belch on stage, the judges will rage."
Lana: "Gil actually has a rhyme for that?"
Lincoln: "That's why he's a pageant powerhouse. Now, the evening gown competition is next. If we wanna win those tickets, we cannot afford anymore slip-ups."
[Lana nods in agreement. As she performs her evening gown, she steps on a loose floorboard and stops]
Lana: "Whoa. Hang on, everybody! Loose floorboard!" [takes out her hammer and nails it back into place] "That'll hold. Carry on!"
[Her opponents condescendingly giggle at her handyman skills]
Lincoln; "Lana! What was that?! We talked about the tools!"
Lana: "I couldn't help it! Fixing stuff is what I do!"
Lincoln: "You're supposed to be prim and perfect! Now, do you want to go to Dairyland and get hit in the face with your own barf or not? I know you can do this. The interview is next. Go out there and nail it!" [Lana takes out her hammer] "Not with that."
[The interview portion]
Donnie: "Lola, what can six-year-olds do to eliminate the national debt."
Lana: "Um..." [prepares to scratch her butt to think]
Lincoln: [frantic] "No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!"
[Fortunately, Lana controls herself]
Lana: "Plenty, Donnie. Just because we're six doesn't mean we can't make a difference."
[The audience applauds. Just then, Hops hops out of Lana's dress]
Lana: "OH! HOPS!"
[The frog lands on the judge's desk and Lana lunges at him to get him back, causing a ruckus. Lola has made her way to the pageant hall still enraged.]
Lincoln: "Lana, what is the problem? We went over everything in Gil's book, and the companion DVD, and the podcast! How are you still not getting it?"
Lana: "I'm sorry, Lincoln. No matter what I do, I can't be prim and perfect like these girls. Maybe there's something wrong with me." [starts to feel bad about herself to the point where she'll cry]
[Hops hops on top of her and looks on at Lincoln, ashamed of his behavior and intention. Lincoln realizes his follies]
Lincoln: "Lana! Wait. There's nothing wrong with you. I'm the one who messed up. I got so caught up in winning those tickets, I turned into Gil DeLily...who, when you stop to think about it, probably needs to get a life."
Lana: "Yeah, but still, why can't I be like them?"
Lincoln: "Because you're you. You're messy and muddy and keep a lot of reptiles in your pants. But that's what makes you awesome. And I was crazy to try and change you."
Lana: [hugs her brother in forgiveness] "Aw...thanks, Lincoln."
Donnie: "Ladies and gentlemen, Miss Lola Loud and her fabulous ribbon dance!"
Lana: "Well, that's me. I'll do my best."
Lincoln: "Forget the ribbon dance. Why don't you go do your own talent?"
Lana: "Really? Okay, but we can kiss those Dairyland tickets goodbye."
Lincoln: "I don't care about them anymore. Go be yourself."
[Lana takes off her prim and perfect outfit and returns to her own appearance, ready to take the stage. Lola barges in and looks for Lincoln. Lana is on stage with Hops.]
Lana: "Yo, Hops! Give me a bassline!"
[Hops starts croaking and Lana starts doing a little jam while snapping her fingers, doing fart noises and scratching her butt.]
Lincoln: "Whoo-hoo! That's my sister!"
Lola: [grabs him and holds him against the wall with her crutch] "AND THIS IS YOUR OTHER SISTER!!!"
Lincoln: "Wait! It's my fault, not Lana's! It was all my idea!"
[Lana finishes her talent act and the crowd goes wild]
Lola: "I have worked four years to built my pageant reputation! AND YOU JUST RUINED IT!!!"
Lincoln: "Lola! Listen!"
Donnie: "And the winner is...Lola Loud!"
[Lola smiles in amazement. Lana comes in with the victory tiara on her head and sees her twin]
Lana: [gasps] "Lola! I'm so sorry I pretended to be you! Please don't be mad at me!"
Lola: "I don't like what you did, but you did win. And I respect a winner."
[Lana hugs her in relief]
Lana: [takes the tiara off] "I think this belongs to you."
Lola: "No. You earned it. You both did. And the Dairyland tickets."
[Lincoln and Lana both look on in awe at Lola's magnanimous gesture with the heavenly image once again accompanying this triumph]
Choir: "HALLELUJAH!!! HALLELUJAH!!!"
Lincoln and Lana: [hug each other] "WE'RE GOING TO DAIRYLAND!!!"
[Dairyland. Lincoln and Lana are getting on the Milk Shaker]
Lincoln: [to the viewers] "Well, I've learned two very valuable lessons. One: You should never try to turn someone into something they're not. And two: If you ever ride the Milk Shaker, keep your mouth closed."
[The ride starts and everyone on it gets green around the gills and Lincoln throws up and gets hit by his own barf]
Lincoln: "My mouth was open!"
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