The following is a transcript for the episode "The Price of Admission".
[Episode begins with a trailer of The Harvester opening up with a dismal farmer.]
Narrator: "He was a humble farmer until a drought ravaged his land." [the farmlands have dried out and a tumbleweed passes by.] "Now, he's found a new crop..." [the farmer suddenly starts killing innocent victims with his scythe and harvesting their organs in a cooler.] "...human organs! He is...The Harvester! Opens this Friday."
[The title of the movie is bloodstained on the blade of the scythe. Lincoln has shown his mother the trailer on his phone.]
Rita: "Uh-uh, Lincoln, you are not seeing that movie. It is too scary for you. He pulls around a cooler full of organs!"
Lincoln: [disappointed and groaning] "Mom!"
Rita: "You know how you get. You'll have nightmares. You'll think something's out to get you. You're just like your father."
[As she walks away, Lynn Sr. comes out from behind the sofa with a teddy bear.]
Lynn Sr. "That is a total exaggeration! On a completely different note, that trailer is never to be played in this house again." [walks away fidgeting in fear.]
Lincoln: "Come on, Mom. I'm not a baby. I can handle it."
Rita: "'No' is my final answer."
[Lincoln looks on disappointed.]
[The Royal Woods Cinema. Lincoln and Clyde are inside.]
Clyde: "I'm fine not seeing The Harvester. It looks way too scary. And now, we get to see the new Blarney movie!"
[An usher is carrying around some Blarney hats.]
Usher: "Blarney beanies! Get your free Blarney beanies!"
Clyde: "Ooh, free Blarney hats? I'll take two!"
Lincoln: "One is fine."
[Clyde grabs and puts on a Blarney hat.]
Usher: "Get your free Blarney beanies!"
Lincoln: "It's not fair. My parents think I can't handle a scary movie."
[Rusty, Flat, and Papa all walk into the theater playing The Harvester.]
Lincoln: "Aw, man! Rusty gets to see The Harvester? That guy cried when a bird flew into the gym!" [gets an idea] "Maybe I should just go and not tell my parents. It's not like they'll find out."
Clyde: "You know, Blarney has a song about that, Lincoln. ♫Every time you lie / A leprechaun will cry.♫"
[Two little girls join in]
Clyde and Little Girls: "♫A fib to Mom and Dad / Well that's just twice as bad!♫"
Lincoln: "Yeah, that decides it. I'm going to The Harvester."
Clyde: "Come on, fellow Blarnadoons!"
[He and the little girls go to the Blarney movie while Lincoln goes to The Harvester. The doors shut tight.]
97 MINUTES LATER
[All of the movie attendants except Lincoln come out talking about how much they enjoyed the movie. Lincoln slinks out of the theater and Clyde touches his shoulder.]
Lincoln: [screaming with fear] "PLEASE DON'T TAKE MY GALLBLADDER!"
Clyde: "Guess I don't have to ask how the movie was."
Lincoln: "I had no idea a man in overalls could be that scary."
Clyde: "I'd say "I told you so", but Blarney has a song about that. ♫When someone is wrong, don't make a note / The truest friends should never ever gloat♫"
[The little girls join in again.]
Clyde and Little Girls: "♫Just cause you're the wiser-♫"
Lincoln: "DUDE! I get it."
[Lincoln has just gotten home still shaken up from the movie.]
Clyde: "You gonna be alright?"
Lincoln: "My parents cannot find out that I went to see The Har...Har...Har...you know, that movie."
Clyde: "Good luck, buddy. If you need me, I'm here 24/7. But not on Channel 2. That's for Blarnadoons only. Later." [goes home]
[Lincoln steps in]
Rita: "Hey, Lincoln, how was the movie?"
Lincoln: [frantic] "What? I didn't see the movie!" [calmly] "Oh, you mean the Blarney movie. Which I did see."
Lynn Sr. "Oh, terrific! Hey, can you go get the ceramic pumpkins? We're putting up the Fall decorations."
Lincoln: "Sure, Dad. Where are they?"
Lynn Sr. "In the basement."
Lincoln: [struck with panic] "The basement?"
Lynn Sr.: "Yeah, in the far back corner by the light that burned out. You know, where Lana's snake went to die."
[Lincoln nervously gulps and opens the door to the basement. He tries to turn the light on, but it doesn't shine.]
Lincoln: "Seriously?" [goes down the steps and hears a voice.]
Voice: "I will get you..."
Lincoln: [screams] "Who said that?" [notices he's stepping on a talking doll.]
Doll: [in a deep voice] "I will get you..." [in a happy tone] "...another cup of tea."
Lincoln: [sighs] "Get a grip, Lincoln. It's just a doll." [gets to the bottom, walks into a giant cobweb, falls into a few things that sets a Hockey stick to come at him, screams and gets out of the way as the doll's head comes off and rolls on the floor.] "THE HARVESTER!!!"
Lynn Sr.: [from upstairs] "Lincoln, come back up! I just remembered the pumpkins aren't in the basement." [Lincoln rushes back upstairs] "They're in the attic."
Lincoln: [frightened] "The...attic?"
Lynn Sr.: "You know, that far, far back corner where there's no windows or light?"
[Lincoln gulps again. As he prepares to enter the attic, he notices one of his sisters.]
Lincoln: "Hey, Lola! Wanna go look for decorations in the attic with me?"
Lola: "No way. It's creepy up there."
Lincoln: "How about you, Lucy? You might find a bat."
Lucy: "I know we will, but none of them are vampires. So what's the point?"
[Lincoln reluctantly goes up to the attic and gets his shirt caught on a loose nail.]
Lincoln: "AH! THE HARVESTER'S GOT ME!" [gets his shirt off and gets hit by a bunch of whoopee cushions.] "AH! HE'S GOT MY SISTER'S COLONS AND THEY'RE STILL FARTING!"
Luan: [off-screen] "LINCOLN, STOP MESSING AROUND WITH MY WHOOPEE CUSHIONS! I MEAN, I KNOW THEY'RE A GAS!" [laughs]
Rita: [from downstairs] "Lincoln, I just remembered! Those pumpkins aren't in the attic! They're in the garage!"
[Lincoln gulps again and sneaks toward the garage.]
???: "I got hearts, kidneys, and ears!"
[A hoe rises up and digs deep into something.]
Lincoln: "THE HARVESTER!!!" [runs away screaming]
[It's actually just Mr. Grouse tending to his garden in the moonlight.]
Mr. Grouse: "Hearts of romaine, kidney beans and ears of corn. You never heard of a guy growing his own vegetables before?"
[Lincoln runs back inside.]
Lincoln: [panting] "They're not...in the...garage."
Lynn Sr.: "Oh, that's right. They're under the porch, in that dark claustrophobic crawl space where the walls feel like they're closing in on you the deeper you get." [Lincoln gulps once more.] "I'll just get them tomorrow. Sorry to make you run around, kiddo."
[Later, everyone is going to bed and turning off the lights. Lincoln is making his way from the bathroom to his room.]
Lincoln: [to the viewers] "Well, better get to bed before Mom and Dad think of anymore infested places to send me." [gets to his room and turns off the light.] "You know, I think I'm doing better. It's been a full 10 minutes since I thought about the Har...Har...you know who I mean."
[As soon as he's nice and safe in his bed with the door open and the hallway light on, the hallway light turns off. He gasps and turns it back on, but it turns off again. On and off. On and off. On and off. On and off. Lincoln turns them back on again.]
Rita: [downstairs] "Lincoln! Enough! Lights out!" [turns off the light only for Lincoln to immediately turn them back on.] "LINCOLN!" [turns it off again]
[Lincoln goes into Lana and Lola's room. He taps on Lola's sleeping mask and then stretches it and makes it snap on her eyes, making her growl and open her eyes.]
Lincoln: "Hey, Lola, wanna watch some of your pageant videos?"
Lola: [delighted] "Ah!" [suspicious] "Okay, weird. Why would you want to do that?"
Lincoln: "Because I'm a huge fan of youth-oriented, glamor-based competitions."
Lola: "Oh, cut the crud, Lincoln. What is up?"
Lincoln: "Okay, I saw a scary movie today and I'm afraid to be alone."
Lola: "Well, just go sleep with Mom and Dad. That's what I always do."
Lincoln: "Uh...that's not an option."
Lola: "Well, neither is losing my beauty sleep. Goodnight to you, sir!" [goes back to sleep snoring.]
[Lana's bed is filled with different animals.]
Lincoln: "Hey, Lana-" [the animals wake up growling at him.] "Never mind." [leaves]
[He goes over to Lori and Leni's room where Lori is texting in her bed.]
Lincoln: "Hey, Lori."
Lori: "Whatever it is, I'm busy."
Lincoln: "Too busy to give girl advice?"
[Lori gasps and eagerly pulls Lincoln right under her covers.]
36 MINUTES LATER
Lincoln: "Okay, question 63: What does "going dutch" mean? And does it have anything to do with Dutch ovens?"
Lori: "Hmm..." [hears her phone beeping and gasps] "Session's over, Lincoln. I have to talk to Bobby. He started his new pizza delivery job tonight." [shoves Lincoln out of her covers.]
Bobby: "Check it, babe. I spelled your name with pepperonis."
[The pepperoni says "LORY" which is incorrect, and the pizza slides right out of the box.]
Bobby: "That's coming out of my paycheck."
[Lincoln now has a groggy Lynn shooting hoops with him in his room. Lynn shoots a hoop.]
Lincoln: "That's 52-0, you." [notices Lynn is standing asleep] "Dang it."
[Now Lincoln is escorting Leni to the kitchen.]
Leni: "I don't get it. If it's morning, why is it still dark?" [yawns]
Lincoln: "It's, um...Daylight Savings Time."
Leni: [yawns] "Well, I love savings."
Lincoln: "So, what do you want for breakfast?" [looks in the fridge]
[Suddenly, he hears Leni going out the door with her backpack.]
Leni: "I'm late for school. Bye, Linky."
Lincoln: "Leni, stop!" [immediately notices a cooler and a silhouette dragging him, making him believe it's you-know-who.] "IT'S HIM! WITH HIS COOLER FULL OF HARVESTED ORGANS!" [closes the door]
[It's just Mr. Grouse with his fishing gear.]
Mr. Grouse: "What's the matter, Loud? Never heard of night fishing?" [leaves]
[Lincoln retreats back to his room and picks up his radio.]
Lincoln: "Clyde! Come in! I really need somebody to talk to!"
[Clyde is sleep singing.]
Clyde: "♫Close your eyes, go to sleep / Blarney helps you count the sheep♫"
Lincoln: "What happened to 24/7? Who else could be awake right now?"
[A little while later, there's a knock at the door.]
Lincoln: [answers door] "Bobby! Congrats on the new gig! What do you say we celebrate by splitting this pie?"
Bobby: "I wish, bro. I still got six more houses to hit." [gives Lincoln his pizza and drops another on the floor.] "Make that five."
[Back in his room, Lincoln's eyes are wide open from lack of sleep and he's now talking to his pillows that he drew faces on.]
Lincoln: [hysterical] "Thanks for staying up with me, guys. Hey, you cool with onions, Todd? No? How are you going to grow into a real man if you won't eat your onions, Todd? It'll put hair on your chest!" [whistles and hears a muffled banging.] "You guys hear that? Any volunteers to go check it out?" [the pillows obviously can't volunteer because they're pillows.] "Oh, sure. You'll eat my pizza, but when I need something, you sit there like a bunch of stuffed-" [hears the banging again and gasps.]
[He sneaks downstairs with the steps creaking, grabs a fireplace brush, and looks in the kitchen to find someone.]
???: "I'm gonna slice you right down the middle." [laughs evilly]
[Lincoln gasps and runs away and it turns out to be Lynn Sr. holding a snack.]
Lynn Sr.: "No. On second thought, maybe I'll just eat the whole thing."
[Lincoln, with nowhere else to turn, goes up to his room, blocks the door with his chair, and hides under the covers.]
Lincoln: [trembling with immense fear] "There's no such thing as the Har...Har...Har..." [keeps trembling "Har" all the way to sunrise.] "...Har...Har...Har..." [notices the sun is up and sighs with relief.] "Well, that was the worst night ever. But at least it's over."
[In the kitchen, Lynn Sr. is working on the ceramic pumpkins and Rita is checking the fridge.]
Rita: "Honey, have you seen the cake I baked for the school fundraiser?"
Lynn Sr.: [spits out coffee] "No, I didn't see your carrot cake."
Rita: [suspicious] "How did you know it was carrot?"
Lynn Sr.: "I...uh..." [sees his son] "Lincoln! There you are."
Rita: "Sweetie, your father and I have been talking and we think you're right. You're not a baby anymore, and it's time we stopped treating you like one."
Lynn Sr.: "Hey, look. If you say you're ready to see that horror movie, we believe ya."
Rita: "In fact, we bought three tickets. We're going with you."
[Her husband spits out his coffee again and Lincoln looks on in shock as he pours the milk all over the floor and drops his glass upon hearing the news.]
[The Royal Woods Cinema]
Rita: [looking at the posters for The Harvester.] "Ooh, look at these scary posters. This is gonna be so much fun."
Lynn Sr.: [hiding his fear] "Yeah. So much fun. I can't wait."
[Lincoln sees the posters and runs in fear from them and bumps into a cardboard promo prop and runs out of the way as the usher puts it back up. Lincoln rushes to his parents.]
Lincoln: [extremely afraid] "The Har...Har...Har..."
Rita: "Lincoln, what's the matter?"
Lincoln: "I can't do it! Mom, Dad, I'm sorry. I saw the movie yesterday, even though you told me not to. And you were right. I'm not ready. I was so terrified I didn't sleep all night. Please don't make me watch it again."
Rita: "Well, I'm not happy you saw the movie without our permission. But it sounds like you've been punished enough."
Lincoln: "I won't do it again, Mom. Now, can we please go see Blarney instead?"
Lynn Sr.: "Sure, son. But, honey, we'll have to come back because you know how much I love scary movies."
[Something rips and it causes Lynn Sr. to jump into his wife's arms.]
Lynn Sr.: "AAAHH! THE HARVESTER! DON'T TAKE MY PANCREAS!"
[It was just Mr. Grouse opening up one of his snacks.]
Mr. Grouse: "What's the matter, Loud? You never seen a guy open a bag of chips?" [eats some chips and goes in to the theater playing The Harvester.]
[The Louds go into the theater playing Blarney's movie.]
Louds and Blarney: "♫Every time you lie / A leprechaun will cry / A fib to Mom and Dad / Well that's just twice as bad!♫"
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