The following is a transcript for "The Loudest Yard".
[Episode begins with Lincoln playing a video game of Muscle Fish escaping a crazy kitchen. Rita comes in to his room.]
Rita: "Lincoln, why don't you go outside? It's not healthy to sit around playing video games all day."
Lincoln: "Actually, Mom, some studies show-"
[Cut to the tree in the backyard; Lincoln is still playing his video game]
Rita: "That's not what I meant! You need to get some exercise! And I have just the thing."
[The mall. Lynn Sr. and some of the other fathers are power walking inside]
Lynn Sr.: [panting] "Good workout, eh, son?"
Lincoln: [keeping up at a normal pace] "Feeling the burn, Dad..."
Lynn Sr.: "Last one to the food court buys the soft pretzels!"
[Lincoln comes to a halt and sees the arcade. He goes inside and plays Total Turbo: Super Bikers XXII only to get caught]
Lynn Sr.: "Ahem?"
Lincoln: "Oh! Hey, Dad." [chuckles nervously] "Guess I'm paying for the pretzels..."
[His dad grabs him. Back at the house, Rita is following along with an aerobics show.]
Rita: [panting] "Phew. See? Exercise can be fun! Whee!"
[It appears Lincoln is following along]
Lincoln: "I read ya loud and clear, Mom."
[It turns out he's just reading a comic book he taped to his mother's glutes. As he tries to turn the page, the comic falls off, leading Rita to realize]
Rita: "Lincoln! I see I'm going to have to take other measures."
Lincoln: [uneasy] "What kind of measures?"
[He is now given gear for a certain sport]
Lincoln: "Football? Come on, Mom. You know sports aren't my thing."
[Cut to a montage of Lincoln participating in sports, but not actually playing them. He's playing catch with Clyde. Clyde tosses him the ball but he's just reading comic books and misses the ball. He's playing Basketball with Liam. Liam passes the ball, but it just passes by Lincoln preoccupied with his comics. He's playing Badminton with Lola. Lola serves the shuttlecock, but he has his racket secured around his sweatband while he's playing video games and the shuttlecock hits him in the head, not even fazing him. Lynn tosses a horseshoe that misses the ringer and hits Lincoln's shin]
Rita: "Ugh. I know, honey, but you left me no choice. One way or another, you have to get some exercise."
Lincoln: "Mom, wait! Look!" [pretends to do aerobics] "I'm exercising right now!" [pulls a muscle] "Ow, ow! Charley Horse!"
[Rita sighs and walks away]
Lincoln: [to the viewers] "Clearly, I cannot play football. Fortunately, in a big family, there's always someone who can help you out of a jam."
[He's conversing with Lola about his quandary]
Lola: "An injury to get out of sports...that can be arranged."
Lincoln: "Just not the face."
Lola: "We'll see..." She sips her tea]
[In the backyard. Lola has her kiddie car all warmed up, ready to do something that involves injuring Lincoln]
Lincoln: "Go easy, okay?" [sticks his leg out]
Lola: [grinning fiercely] "We'll see."
[She puts the pedal to the metal, and at the last second, Lincoln moves his leg out of the way, making Lola crash right into the trash]
Lola: [enraged] "YOU WANT AN INJURY?! I'LL GIVE YOU ONE!!!" [charges at Lincoln]
Lincoln: [trying to run away only to pull a muscle again] "Ow, ow! Charley Horse!"
[Lola pounces on him to pulverize him until Lynn shows up]
Lynn: "Oh, we're wrestling? Cool!" [blows a whistle and stops the brawl] "Lola, that's unnecessary roughness!"
Lola: "Well, he deserves it! I was trying to help him get out of playing Football, and he made me total my car! AND I JUST PUT IN THE CUPCAKE AIR FRESHENER!"
Lynn: [to Lincoln] "Wait. Get out of playing Football? Why would you wanna do that? Football rules!"
Lincoln: "Maybe for you. I don't even know how to play. Plus, I'm gonna get my butt kicked."
Lola: [holding her grudge] "You got that right!"
Lynn "That's enough! Hit the showers!"
[Lola storms off growling]
Lynn: "You forgot that you've got a secret weapon: me. I'll teach you everything you need to know about Football."
Lynn: "Good. Now drop and give me 20."
[Lincoln gets down on the ground and takes out his wallet and a five dollar bill]
Lincoln: "I've only got a 5."
[Lynn realizes it's not gonna be easy. She shows her brother how to step by running through tires which he trips over and gets rolled off by. She shows him how to drink raw eggs for protein. He tries it only to throw up in the toilet. She shows him how to pass by tossing a ball through the center of the tire swing. He misses and gets pegged in the back of the head by the ball. She takes him for a jog around the neighborhood. By sunset, she makes it back and Lincoln took a bus back home much to her disappointment. She shows him how to punt with Lucy as the ball holder. Some Peanuts style music starts to play and Lincoln charges at the ball, but Lucy pulls it away just like in the comic strip.]
Lincoln: "ARGH!!!" [lands on his back]
[At Ketcham Park, they're practicing receiving]
Lynn: "Hike!" [passes the ball to Lincoln]
[Lincoln gets decked in the eye and crashes by the feet of some bulky Football kids who laugh at his pain]
Hocker 1: "If you clowns are done, we need the field! We gotta practice for junior football league."
Lincoln: "You guys are playing junior football, too? What team are you on?"
Hocker 1: "The Hazeltucky Hockers!"
[They hock loogies]
Hocker 2:"What team are you on?"
Lincoln: "The Royal Woods Roosters!"
Lincoln & Lynn: [waving their hands high up] "Cock-a-doodle-doo!"
Hocker 1: "Nice cheer. When we play you, you're cock-a-doodle-doomed!"
Hocker 2: "Yeah! I'm gonna pluck me a few feathers!"
[They laugh which irks Lynn]
Lynn: "You chumps are lucky I'm not playing, 'cuase I'd whoop all your butts!"
Hocker 1: [ruffles her hair not intimidated one bit] "Sure you would, ponytail."
[The Hockers walk off laughing some more]
Lincoln: [inspired] "Lynn! That's a brilliant idea! You could pretend to be me and play in my place."
Lynn: "Yeah, right..."
Lincoln: "Why not? There's no girls' league around here, right? This would give you a chance to play, and me a chance to live out my full life."
Lynn: [thinking about it] "Hmm...I could use another sport right now. I've only got four."
Lincoln: "So, what do you say?" [does their cheer] "Cock-a-doodle-doo?"
[Lynn grins with acceptance]
[Lincoln is wearing his gear, waving to his mom and heading off to one of his games but heads over to a tree where Lynn is waiting. They switch the gear off to her and she goes to play the game while Lincoln relaxes by a tree reading comics. After the game, Lynn returns and switches the gear back on Lincoln, but before he can return home, she throws some mud on his face to make it look convincing. He returns home and lets his mother know the game went well. This goes on into the Fall season]
Lincoln: "I can't believe we pulled this off! Only one more game to go!"
[They switch off and Lynn gets the mud ready.]
Lynn: [sighs] "I'm gonna miss this." [throws mud at Lincoln]
Lincoln: "I'm not gonna miss that."
[He head home only to be met up with his Dad]
Lynn Sr.: [in a confronting tone] "So, you thought you could get away with this, huh?"
Lincoln: [with his tongue tied] "But, I, uh..."
Lynn Sr.: "Not telling your family..." [in a proud tone] "...you're a big Football star!?" [holds up a newspaper with a front page article about his Football status] "Crowds Love Loud! Haven't seen that headline since my break dancing days. We're so proud of you, son! We're all gonna be at your game tomorrow!"
Lincooln: [worrisome] "All of you?"
Lynn Sr. "You betcha! And if you need some new moves for your touchdown dance..." [shows off some of his break dancing moves and scats] "I'm on fire, on fire, on fire!" [dances and scats some more]
Lincoln: "Lynn, you were just supposed to play, not become a big star!"
Lynn: "Sorry, Linc. I only know how to give 110%."
Lincoln: "Well, now we got a problem. Because I'm so good, the whole family wants to watch me play tomorrow."
Lynn: "Don't worry. We fooled everyone all season. There's no reason we can't do it for one more game."
[The big game. It's the Roosters VS the Hockers. Lynn Sr. is dressed in a Rooster costume with his tail feathers blocking Rita's face. Lana has face makeup on and is holding a sign that says "GO!". Lily has one that says "GOO!" with her face as the first "O". Lucy has a sign that says "Embrace the darkness". Leni, Luan, Luna, and Lola are excited for the game, but Lisa is just reading a book on advanced calculus. Lori is using binoculars to search for her star player brother.]
Lori: "I literally don't see Lincoln anywhere." [spots him right in front of her face and drops the binoculars in fright] "AAAHH!!!"
Lincoln: [waving] "Hey, guys!"
Rita: "There's my little Football star!"
Lana: "Lincoln! Sign my hat!" [tosses it to him]
Lincoln: [chuckles nervously] "Saving it for the game."
[Under the bleachers, Lincoln has swapped the gear out over to Lynn]
Announcer: "Number one, Lincoln Loud!"
Lynn: "Well, that's me!"
Lincoln: "I think we're gonna pull this off."
[Lily drops her drink through the crack between seats and babbles upon seeing their secret]
[Lily laughs as Lynn heads out onto the field]
Lynn: "Alright, let's beat these chumps!"
Announcer: "Ladies and gentlemen, as a special treat, Luna Loud will be performing the National Anthem! Please remove all hats and helmets."
[A rocking version of the Star-Spangled Banner begins to play, with Lynn in a conundrum]
Lynn: "Uh...I gotta pee." [runs off]
[Lincoln switches out to join the rest of the anthem as Luna finishes her performance by smashing her axe on stage]
Luna: "LET'S PLAY BALL, DUDES!!!"
[Lincoln starts to sneak off]
Coach: "Loud, where are you going?"
[Lincoln switches out with Lynn who runs into two familiar players]
Hocker 1: "Hey, aren't you that twerp from the park? We're gonna knock you on your tail feathers."
[They hock loogies and Lynn growls at them viciously. The game starts with the kickoff and Lynn catches the ball and scores a touchdown]
Referee: "Touchdown, Roosters!"
[The Louds and some of the show's staff cheer for this, but the rest of the staff is upset by it. Lynn Sr. breaks out some of his dance moves and knocks his drink with his tail feathers, causing it to splash Lincoln below]
Announcer: "Tackle made by Loud!"
[A hot dog lands on Lincoln's head]
Announcer: "Ball carried by Loud!"
[Some popcorn falls on Lincoln]
Announcer: "Touchdown, Lincoln Loud!"
[This time, Lincoln puts on an umbrella hat and saves himself from getting splashed by water]
Lincoln: "Ha!" [gets hit by dropped binoculars] "Ow!"
[The ref blows his whistle]
[The local news team is out on the sidelines]
Coach: "Hey, Loud, over here! They wanna interview you for TV. Take off your helmet."
Lynn: "Uh...I gotta..."
Coach: "Let me guess. Go to the bathroom."
[Lynn nods and runs off]
Coach: "You guys want an action shot of me and my whistle?" [blows whistle and poses]
[Lynn and Lincoln switch off]
Reporter: "That last play was sensational. What can you tell us about it?"
Lincoln: [worried] "That last play? Uh...the thing is, that was in the past, and I'm all about the future. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to pee." [runs off]
Coach: "Guys, how about this one?" [makes another pose]
[The second half begins]
Rooster Player:</b> "Set, hut, hut, hike!" [snaps the ball to Lynn]
[The Hockers charge at Lynn all at once and plow to the ground, leaving her injured. The ref blows his whistle and the team carries Lynn to the sidelines. The Hockers from before laugh and hock some more.]
Coach: "Back off! Give him some air!"
[The coach takes Lynn's helmet off and reveals her in front of everyone]
Lynn Sr. and Rita: "LYNN?!"
Coach: "Who's Lynn? I thought you were Lincoln."
Lincoln: "No, I'm Lincoln. Lynn, are you okay?"
Lynn: "I'm fine. I think I just sprained my ankle."
Coach: "Would somebody mind telling me what the heck is going on?"
Rita: "Yes! I'd like to know, too!"
Lincoln: "This is all my fault, Mom. I didn't wanna play Football, so I convinced Lynn to play for me."
Lynn Sr. "Bogus, guys! I mean, unacceptable!"
Coach: [sympathetically to Lynn] "Take care of that ankle. I want you on my team next year."
Referee: "Coach, get your team on the field or you forfeit."
Coach: "I got a problem, Ref. I'm one man short."
Lincoln: "No, you're not." [takes off his umbrella hat] "Mom, I'm sorry I lied, and now I'm gonna do what you asked me to: get some exercise."
[The score is 28 to 27 with the Roosters leading by one]
Coach: "We're up by one with a minute to go. Just don't blow it."
Lincoln: [does the cheer] "Cock-a-doodle-doo, coach!" [heads out onto the field to play] "You can do this. You can do this."
Hocker 1: "Back for more, Loud? Bad choice."
[Hockers hock again]
Lincoln: [intimidated] "You can't do this."
Rooster Player: "Set, hut, hut, hike!" [snaps the ball and passes it to Lincoln]
Lincoln: "I caught it!"
[The Hockers come charging at Lincoln and he runs around the field like crazy and scores on the end zone]
Lincoln: "Yes!" [laughs, then turns to the viewers] "I don't know what I was so afraid of. Sports can be pretty awesome. And it turns out, I'm a natural."
[However, the Hocker player tags him, indicating he screwed up]
Hocker 1: "YEAH!"
[The whistle blows, ending the game]
Coach: "Loud, you ran the wrong way and scored a safety for the other team! We lost!"
[The Hockers are victorious and take home the winning trophy, leaving Lincoln to realize his mistake]
[The other Roosters come charging at Lincoln to get back at him for botching the last play, and he runs away from them]
Lincoln: [to the viewers] "A correction to my previous statement: I am not a natural. But, on the plus side, at least I'm getting some exercise." [pulls a muscle] "GAH! Charley Horse!" [falls over in pain]
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