The following is a transcript for the pilot short.
[open up to a photo of a boy and ten girls who are his sisters around him; all except one of them are smiling.]
Lincoln: [to the viewers] "Ever wonder what it's like to grow up in a big family? Well, don't let the picture fool you! It's not all sugar and spice. Don't believe me?" [opens door]
[Outside his room, there is much chaos going on caused by his sisters; such as a baby playing with pots and pans, one sister reading a poem, one sister dressed up like a mummy in some white cloth substance chasing another sister wearing a pretty dress who is screaming in terror, one sister playing Football in the house, one sister angrily chasing another grinning sister through the halls, and one sister playing on a guitar.]
Lincoln: "Welcome to...the Loud House."
[Depending on which version of the pilot you see, the title may or may not show up.]
Lincoln: [closes door and stretches a little] "Surviving in a big family can be challenging. Even the little things. Like getting a turn in the bathroom. Which is why I give you...'Lincoln Loud's Three P's to go Poo and Pee'. You're gonna need Patience, Perseverance, and most importantly, Problem Solving. With these three steps, you'll get into the bathroom every time." [starts straining] "Which is important. Especially if you wait until the very last second to go!" [busts out comic book] "Into the breach!" [Heads out the door]
Lincoln: "Luna? A little traveling music?"
Luna: "You got it, bro. ONE, TWO, THREE!" [starts jamming on her guitar and fulfills her brother's request.]
[Lincoln begins his journey down the hallway to the bathroom.]
Lucy: "Hey, Lincoln, you wanna hear my poem?"
Lincoln: "I do, but I have a pressing engagement."
[His funny sister Luan stops him in his tracks.]
Luan: ""Lincoln! Smell my new flower!" [squirts water from flower, but Lincoln ducks just in the nick of time.]
Lincoln: "Ha! Did you really think I'd fall for-"
Luan: [suddenly squirts water from a flower on her left shoe into Lincoln's mouth.] "It's not easy being this good." [laughs]
Lynn: "Clear the track!"
[Lincoln does a spit take and gets out of the way for Lynn.]
Lynn: "Comin' through!" [plays a bizarre sport involving wearing a football helmet, riding a motorbike, and hitting a tennis ball with a hockey stick; crashes into wall.] "SCORE!!!"
[Lincoln tries to continue but is stopped by his little sister Lola.]
Lola: "Hold it, Lincoln. Play 'Fashion Photographer' with me!"
Lincoln: "I would Lola, but I really have to-"
Lola: "YOU PLAY, OR I'LL TELL MOM YOU WERE READING COMICS ON THE ROOF IN YOUR UNDERWEAR AGAIN!"
Lincoln: [makes a side glance to the viewers and then starts taking photos of Lola as she poses for the camera.] "Work the camera! Uh-huh! That's it! Show me what you got!"
Lily: [walking in the background] "Poo-poo!"
Lincoln: "Who's a beauty queen?"
[enter Lola's twin Lana carrying a pile of mud in her hands.]
Lola: "Hey! I'm working here!"
Lana: "Check out my mud pie! It's nice and squishy!" [squishes it and smears it all over Lola's face.]
Lincoln: [with too much pressure] "GOTTA GO!" [continues]
Lucy: [out of nowhere] "Now?"
Lincoln: "Still pressing!" [leaps over his little sister Lisa who is writing a mathematical formula on the wall.] "Don't forget to carry the 1!"[she stares at him]
Leni: [trying to use the vacuum cleaner] "Does anyone know how to turn on this sucky thingy?" [turns it on but also vacuums up Lincoln's shirt and pants leaving him in just his underwear now.] "Got it!"
[Lincoln is almost in the bathroom, but his oldest sister Lori cuts in front of him and refuses to let him in.]
Lori: "Beat it, twerp."
Lincoln: "Come on, Lori! No fair! I was here first!"
Lori: "Well, I was born first!" [shuts herself in the bathroom.]
[As Lincoln has to endure the pressure even longer, Lucy walks over.]
Lucy: "It looks like you have time now." [commences poem] "My love is like water. Bursting forth. Like a dam breaking. All control lost. Water rushing, churning, turning landscape to mud. Time runs out. Water. I feel the impending doom. My love"
[While she recites her poem, every word from it causes Lincoln to feel even more pressure and have to go even worse than before; suddenly, Lily walks by with a full diaper and the stink nauseates Lincoln.]
Lincoln: "Ugh! COULD CLEAR A ROOM!" [gets an idea] "Could clear a room! Time to put the third P: Problem Solving into action."
[In the bathroom, Lori is applying makeup until she hears Lincoln opening the door.]
Lori: [irked] "I said I was-" [suddenly sees something horrifying and gasps.] "What are you doing with that?"
[The door closes and whatever is occurring cannot be seen, but it only causes Lori to panic.]
Lori: [terrified] "Lincoln, I'm warning you! Keep that thing away from me! Lincoln! LINCOLN!" [opens the door and runs out in horror.] "AAAAHHHH!!!"
[Lincoln comes out wearing the vacuum's nozzle like a gas mask and Lynn's football helmet for protection; his other sisters look on in bewilderment and Lincoln reveals that he held Lily's dirty diaper by Lynn's hockey stick as a way to chase Lori out of the bathroom.]
Leni, Luna, Luan, Lynn, Lola, Lana, and Lisa: [elated] "YAY!!!"
Lucy: [nonchalantly] "Yay..."
[Lily scurries across the hall now naked; Lincoln then tosses his literal baby sister's soiled padding into the trash.]
Lincoln: [wrapping up] "Like I said, surviving in a big family can be challenging. But it's not impossible. Now, if you'll excuse me...PRESSING ENGAGEMENT!" [closes door to finally use the toilet.] "OH, YEAH! OH, SWEET RELIEF! WOO-HOO-HOO-HOO!!! [notices something] "Hey! We're out of toilet paper! Guys! There's no toilet paper! Someone! Can someone bring me a new roll?!"
[Unfortunately for him, his sisters are causing too much of a ruckus in the hall to hear his please.]
Lincoln: "CAN ANYONE HEAR ME?! ANYONE! PLEASE!!! HELP!!!"
[The title card for the show and its creator, either the original design or the final version for it, pops up for the Loud House.]
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