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The following is a transcript for the episode "Suite and Sour".

Script

[Rita and Lynn Sr., in their bedroom, are getting ready to pack up for vacation.]
Lynn Sr.: "Well, it took 18 years, but the old jug of loose change is finally paying off!"
Rita: "I can't believe we saved enough for a luxury spa weekend! I can't remember the last time we had two whole days to ourselves."
Lynn Sr.: "Summer of '98. Clinton, The Spice Girls and Mark McGwire." [He puts a rather tacky hat into the suitcase, while Rita discretely takes the hat out, and puts it on Geo's hamster ball, where Geo quickly runs off. Lynn Sr. pulls out some red Speedos and sticks them into the suitcase.] "You think the kids will be okay? I feel bad we aren't taking them."
Rita: "Oh, they'll be fine." [When Lynn Sr. turns around, she flings the Speedos out the window.]
[Unbeknownst to them, all the Loud kids are listening to them from the bathroom air vent.]
Lola: "We will not be fine!" [picks up and looks at the spa pamphlet.] "Look at this place, you guys! It's got a spa, eight different pools, and a business center! We are missing out on all of it!!"
Lynn: "Yeah, and while Mom and Dad are living it up, we'll be sucking in cat hair at Aunt Ruth's!"
Luan: [touches her nose] "Ooh, I call dibs on not clipping her toenails!"
[Everyone does the same, but Lincoln is the last to react.]
Lincoln: [realizing he was last] "Dang it!"
Lori: "We're just gonna have to convince Mom and Dad to take us with them."
Lincoln: "I know just the thing."


[Living room. Rita and Lynn Sr. are sitting in front of a closed curtain.]
Rita: "Oh, it's so cute the kids are putting on a play for us."
Lynn Sr.: "Yeah, yeah, do I have time to pee?" [the lights go off] "Dang it."
[Luan comes out of the curtains.]
Luan: "Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Loud House Theater Production of "Weekend at Aunt Ruth's"!"
[Rita and Lynn Sr. look at each other in confusion. Luan pushes the curtain away to reveal Leni, Lana, and Lily wearing cat costumes, behaving and making sounds like a cat.]
Lily: "Kitty cat!"
[Luna comes out, eating out of a pudding container.]
Luna: "Ugh! This pudding expired four years ago!"
[Lincoln comes into the scene, dressed as Aunt Ruth.]
Lincoln: [imitating Aunt Ruth's voice] "You waste that and it's litterbox duty for you!"
[Luan closes the curtain.]
Luan: "One day later."
[Luan re-opens the curtain to reveal Luna playing dead and Lucy playing the undertaker.]
Lucy: "Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to say farewell to our sister, Luna. If only her pudding had been as fresh as her jams."
[Lucy places Luna's guitar on her laying body. Luan closes the curtain again.]
Luan: "And now, another play entitled "Weekend at a Luxury Spa Hotel"."
[Luan opens the curtains to show a business center set. Lola and Lisa appear.]
Lola: "What a beautiful business center!"
Lisa: "Sister, keep your voice down! We must be respectful of other guests."
[Lori and Lynn come out dressed up as Rita and Lynn Sr., respectively.]
Lynn: [as Lynn Sr.] "Golly, our kids are so well-behaved."
Lori: [as Rita] "And since we took them on this nice trip, maybe they won't put us in a nursing home when we're older."
[The curtains close, and re-open again to reveal all the siblings as they take a bow. Rita and Lynn Sr. look rather unimpressed.]
Rita: [unconvinced] "I take it you kids want to go the hotel this weekend."
Lynn Sr.: Look, kiddos, this is the first chance your mother and I have to relax for a long time."
Lincoln: "But, Dad, we'll be so good, you won't even know we're there. We promise."
[The Loud kids look at them with promising faces, as Rita and Lynn Sr. look at each other with concern.]


[Royal Woods Spa. The Loud family arrives. Rita walks in with a couple suitcases, while Lynn Sr. walks in with the jug of change.]
Lynn Sr.: "Lynn Loud Sr. checking in."
Jeffery: "Welcome. Uh, just the two bags?"
Lynn Sr.: "Yup. Ha Ha, just kidding! [the Loud kids are seen struggling to pull out all of the luggage.] "Everything in the van, good sir."
[Jeffery is shocked]


[The Loud family is in their room. Jared puts down the last piece of luggage.]
Lynn Sr.: "Thank you much! Oh, I almost forgot:" [takes out several coins and hands them to Jared.] "There's more than there came from." [Jared leaves. To the kids] "Okay, gang. Your mom and I are headed to the spa. Now we're trusting you to stay out of trouble." [the kids agree and quickly dash off. Lynn Sr. opens up one of the suitcases, trying to find his feathered fedora.] "Could've sworn I packed my feathered fedora."
Rita: [feigning concern] "No. Oh, darn. You look so good in it too."
[Rita slowly backs away.]


[Lynn and Lana are at the elevators. Lynn is pressing the down button, and both elevators open up.]
Lynn: "Race you to the bottom!"
Lana: "Oh, it is on!
[Lynn and Lana enter both elevators and begin to mash all the buttons. As the two elevators descend, Lynn's elevator breaks down, and halts to a stop. As Lana laughs at Lynn at her fate, her elevator breaks down as well.]
Lynn: "Ugh!"
Lana: "What?!"
[Lori, wearing a baby carrier with Lily in it, is impatiently waiting for the elevator to arrive.]
Lori: "Ugh! What is taking so long? If I don't get back to the room and get my phone, I could literally die!" [groans in frustration] "Let's just take the stairs."
[As Lori heads to the staircase, Lincoln walks by, holding a ghost scanner.]
Lucy: "What are you doing?"
[Lucy's sudden appearance causes Lincoln to fall over in shock. He stands himself up.]
Lincoln: ​"Oh, hi, Lucy. I read somewhere that this resort is haunted by the ghost of the Footless Bellboy. They say if you listen carefully, you can still hear his stumps trying to deliver room service."
Lucy: Whoa. Sign me up."
Fritz: [responding to a call on his walkie-talkie.] "Both elevators out? I'm on it!"
[Lincoln and Lucy suddenly bump into Fritz, causing Fritz's nametag to fall off.]
Lincoln: "Oh, excuse us."
[Lincoln, Lucy, and Fritz head off. Leni walks by and discovers Fritz's nametag on the floor. She picks it up.]
Leni: "Cute pin!" [she attaches it to her dress.] "Totes matches my dress!"
Whitney Wetta: "Excuse me, um... Fritz, how am I supposed to get to my room with the elevator broken?"
Leni: [looking at Whitney's high heel shoes.] "Ooh, heels and stairs? You should def take a room on the first floor."
Whitney Wetta: "Great! Can I get a key?"
[Leni heads behind the counter and gives Whitney a room key, and heads off. A new guest named Jeffery arrives at the counter.]
Jeffery: Excuse me, Fritz. I'd also like a different room."
Leni: "Okay!"
[Rita and Lynn Sr., wearing bathrobes, are at the spa. Lynn Sr. is ringing the bell on the counter. A worker responds to the bell and comes out.]
Diem Doan: "I'm so sorry, but a private party booked the entire massage facility."
Lynn Sr.: [taking several coins out] "Might this change your mind?" [the change trick doesn't work] "Well, worth a shot." [Rita and Lynn Sr. begin to leave] "I wonder what big-wig is in there."
[In the massaging facility, a bunch of stuffed animals are getting oil rubbed on them. As the camera pans around to show what's going on, the last one to show up is Lola, wearing nothing but a two-piece swimsuit. Diem Doan approaches Lola, squirts some oil on to her hands, and starts rubbing Lola's back. Lola stops her the moment she starts.]
Lola: "Less oil, sweetheart. You're not marinating a chicken."
[Back at the elevator, Fritz is hard at work is repairing the elevators. Luan is seen right next to him.]
Luan: "Elevator repair, huh? Bet that job's got a lot of ups and downs!" [realizing something] "Sorry, didn't mean to push your buttons." [laughs] "Get it?"
[Cut to the pool. Three guys exit the pool as Lisa arrives.]
Miguel Puga: Let's go rage!
Lisa: [disgusted] "Uck! Looks like I'll have to disinfect the pool. Goodness knows what fungi await me in these waters."
[Lisa pulls out a chemical flask from her tote bag, and uses a dropper to get a little bit of the chemical. Suddenly, one of the hotel guests runs by Lisa to grab a pool ring, unknowingly bumping into her, causing her to spill all of the chemical into the pool. The results cause the water to being bubbling rapidly. Rita and Lynn Sr., in their swimsuits, arrive for a dip.]
Lynn Sr.: Papa Loud in the house!"
[Lynn Sr. tosses an inflatable lounge chair into the pool, but Lisa's chemical has made the water highly corrosive, which causes the lounge chair to pop and disintegrate. Lisa, realizing the horror of her mistake, runs away from the scene. She runs by the counter where Leni is.]
Lisa: [panicking] "Might wanna close the pool, Fritz!"
[Leni is confused as to who just said that. Lisa runs past Fritz and Luan, who are still at the elevators.]
Luan: "If you don't fix this, will they give you the shaft?" [laughs] "Get it?"
Fritz: [annoyed] "Please leave."
[Up above, Lori is exhausted after climbing so many steps. She opens the door in front of her, expecting it to be the floor of the room where they're staying. However, it turns out to be the roof.]
Lori: "Uh oh. This isn't our floor."
[Suddenly, the door behind her closes. She tries to open it, but it's locked, causing her to gasp in horror. Far down below, in the basement of the hotel, Lincoln and Lucy are wandering around.]
Lucy: "I can sense the Footless Bellboy's presence, but he's not going to show himself with all these lights on."
[Lincoln finds the power box.]
Lincoln: "I'm a step ahead of you. But which one of these is for the basement?"
Lucy: "Try them all."
[In a gym, Rita is on an exercise bike, and Lynn Sr. is on a treadmill. Suddenly, the power to the gym shuts off, causing Lynn Sr. to slam himself against the wall, resulting in the building to slightly vibrate.]
Lincoln and Lucy: [feeling the vibration] "It's him!"
[Rita and Lynn Sr. arrive back to their room, limping.]
Lynn Sr.: "I think our trip might be cursed."
Rita: "Don't say that. We still have the TV. 267 glorious satellite channels."
[Rita turns the TV on and "The Dream Boat" appears on screen. A second later, the TV goes out, causing Lynn Sr. to start crying in despair. Back on the roof, Lori breaks the antenna off of the satellite dish, and starts running towards the door with it while emitting a battle cry. She rams into the door, and successfully breaks it down. She weakly gives a thumbs up, making Lily giggle. Back in the hotel room, Lynn Sr. is holding an ice pack on his knee.]
Lynn Sr.: "Well, on the bright side, at least the kids haven't been causing any trouble."
Rita: "That's true. I haven't heard a peep from them all day."
[The room phone begins ringing. Lynn Sr. answers it.]
Lynn Sr.: "Yello?"
[The caller is revealed to be Leni.]
Leni: "Mr. La-ood? We've been getting some complaints about your kids."
Lynn Sr.: "My kids?" [suspicious] "Wait, you sound a lot like my daughter, Leni.
Leni: "You sound a lot like my dad, Dad."


[The Loud Family is back at their room.]
Lynn Sr.: "Ghost hunting? Elevator breaking? Pool wrecking?! What happened to "You won't even know we're here"?!"
Rita: "You're all grounded to the room for the rest of the weekend! Your father and I would like to TRY to enjoy some relaxation time!!"
[They exit the room, leaving the kids all alone.]
Lincoln: "Well, I feel terrible."
Luan: "Yeah, from now on, we really have to behave."
[As the Loud Kids frown and hung their heads in shame and guilt, a ringtone is heard. Lori answers her phone.]
Lori: "Bobby Boo-Boo Bear? Its literally been forever! Hang on, let me go somewhere more private."
[Lori is about to head onto the balcony.]
Lola: "Lori! We're grounded to the room!"
Lori: "The balcony is the room." [she closes the sliding door.]
Lynn: "Well, I'm gonna hit the showers."
Lola: "Uh, Lynn?!"
Lynn: "The bathroom is also the room."
Jared Morgan: [on the walkie-talkie] "Fritz, break's over. Get down here." [Leni is forced to leave]
Lincoln: "Leni, you can't leave!"
Leni: "Do you wanna tell my boss that?" [she leaves]
[In the bathroom, Lynn is fiddling around with the numerous buttons and knobs in the shower, figuring out which one turns the water on. Suddenly, several showerheads begin spraying Lynn with water. She tries to turn the water off, but only succeeds in breaking off one of the faucets, casing a stream of water to knock her over.]
Lynn: "Guys! Little problem with the shower."
Lana: [with a tool belt] "I'm on it, sister." [Lana enters the bathroom and sees the problem.] "Hmm. I've never worked with this particular model before, but I'm sure I can figure something out."
[Lana opens up the shower's piping, and with a few twists of a wrench, the showers stops spraying water.]
Lynn: [amazed] "Wow, Lana! That was amazing!"
Lana: [giving Lynn a business card] "Here's my card. Referrals are welcome."
[Suddenly, water begins erupting from the toilet, causing Lynn and Lana to scream in terror. As Lana frantically gets to work on the pipes, Lynn grabs the bed comforter and jams it into the toilet, causing water to build up. On the balcony, Lori continues to talk to Bobby on her phone.]
Lori: [giggling] "No, you hang up first." [laughs] "No, silly. You." [Bobby hangs up] "Huh. I can't believe he hung up." [Lori tries to enter the room, but the sliding door is locked.] "Not again!"
[Lori begins to bang on the door. In the room, the siblings hear Lori's pounding.]
Lincoln: "That sounds like the thumps of the Footless Bellboy!"
Luan: "This must be his stomping grounds. You guys better shake a leg, there's a ghost afoot!" [She points to her foot and laughs] Get it?"
Lincoln: [fed up] "Are you done?"
Lucy: "He must be trapped behind the air conditioner. We need to free him."
[Lincoln and Lucy try to pull the air conditioner out of the wall, when suddenly, it falls out of the building and lands on top of a delivery van, forming a large dent and causing the alarm to begin wailing.]
Lucy: [at the same time Lincoln gasps] "Gasp!"
[Lori looks over on the other side of the balcony she's on, and sees that the neighboring room has its balcony door open. Inside the room, a knock at the door is heard. Lola answers it, and it's revealed to be the three guys from the pool earlier.]
Kyle Marshall: "Yo, what are you guys doing in here? Fritz said this was our room."
Lola: "Well, Fritz was wrong. Bye, now."
[Lola closes the door, but Kyle puts his foot in the way, and pushes the door open.]
Kyle Marshall: "Not so fast! Come on, boys!"
Miguel Puga: "Alright!! Let's rage!!"
[The three guys walk into the room, and begin to shout like crazy while music blares loudly from their boom box. The room phone begins ringing, and Lily answers it.]
Lily: "Goo?"
[The caller is once again revealed to be Leni.]
Leni: "Yes, La-ood family? This is Fritz at the front desk. Could you please keep it down? We're getting some complaints."
Lily: [babbles some incomprehensible dialogue]
Leni: "Well you sound just like my sister, Lily."
[Luna, Luan, and Lola ram the three guys out of their room with a couch.]
Lola: "And stay out, you stinkers!"
[Lisa approaches them and begins to pour a disinfectant onto the carpet.]
Lisa: "Ugh! We must disinfect the area immediately. Who knows where those hooligans have been."
[A bird flies into the room from the hole where the AC was and bumps into Lisa, causing her to spill all of her disinfectant, which burns a giant hole onto the floor. As Lisa, Luna, Lola, and Luan peek through the hole, Lori enters the room from the front door, visibly upset.]
Lori: [agitated] Thanks for locking me out, you g--"
[As Lori was approaching them, she blindly walked into the hole, causing her to fall into it. Lynn and Lana are suddenly washed out of the bathroom, apparently unable to fix the toilet problem, and fall into the hole as well.]
Rita: "What is going on here?!"
[As Rita and Lynn Sr. arrive back to their room to see what all the hubbub is about, Leni suddenly approaches them.]
Leni: [clears throat] "I'm sorry, La-oods, but I have to ask you to leave."


THE NEXT DAY
[Back to the Loud House. Rita and Lynn Sr. are in their room, moping.]
Lynn Sr.: "Our one chance at a relaxing weekend, gone. Poof!"
Rita: "Aw, now come on, honey. We'll get that jug filled up again someday."
Lynn Sr.: "Oh, you're right. Gotta stay positive. In fact, here's the first nickel." [Lynn Sr. tosses what he thinks is a coin into the jug, but upon closer inspection...] "D'oh, it was a button! It's hopeless!"
[As Lynn Sr. collapses to the floor, crying in despondence, the siblings are once again listening to them from the bathroom air vent. They all feel regretful for what they did to their parents.]
Lynn: "We really blew it."
Leni: "Yeah. We gotta make it up to them."
Lincoln: "I have an idea!"
Lola: "Not another one of your dumb plays."
Lincoln: "Okay... I have a second idea!"


[Lincoln knocks on Rita and Lynn Sr.'s bedroom door, and they answer it. They see Lincoln dressed up as a hotel worker.]
Lincoln: "Mr. and Mrs. La-ood, welcome to your very own luxury spa hotel."
[Lincoln points over to Lana, Lola, and Lisa under a sign that reads "LOUD-INN LUXURY SPA HOTEL".]
Luna: "Amenities include a hot tub. [Lisa dumps some soap into a kiddie pool labelled "HOT TUB".]
Lola: "Complimentary dry cleaning."
Lana: [dressed as a chef] "Room service." [She lifts the lid off a platter, revealing an array of snacks.]
Lynn: "And free in-room massage."
[Lynn grabs hold of both her father's hands.]
Lynn Sr.: "Uh, what are you do--" [Lynn gives him a hard kick on his back, cracking it.] "OW!! Actually, that feels great."
Luan: "We want you guys to have the weekend you were expecting, the weekend you deserve."
Rita: "I can't believe you kids did all this."
[A honk is heard outside, and Luna peeks out the window.]
Luna: "Dudes! She's here!"
[The Loud kids are surrounded by bags of luggage.]
Lincoln: "This time, you truly won't know we're here, because we won't be. We're going to Aunt Ruth's, so you guys can really relax."
Lynn Sr.: [engaging in a group hug] "How did we get such thoughtful kids?"


[Outside, the kids head off as Rita and Lynn Sr. wave them off on the porch.]
Rita: "Think we've should've told them why we really got kicked out?"
[Flashback to yesterday. Rita and Lynn Sr. are in Jared's office, in their bathrobes, soaking wet. Jared turns the TV in his office on, showing security footage of the pool. In the footage, Lynn Sr. pops out, making sure no one is peeking. When the coast is clear, he and Rita jog to the other side in their swimsuits, laughing joyously. Off-screen, they strip off their swimsuits, and jump into the water.]
Lynn Sr.: "Marco!"
Rita: "Polo!"
[Jared shuts the TV off.]
Jared Morgan: "Well, care to explain?"
Lynn Sr.: [placing a coin on the manager's desk.] "Let's say we just forget about this?"
[The manager looks at the coin, but points out...]
Jared: "That's a button, pal."
[End flashback, and Rita and Lynn Sr. are awkwardly thinking about that.]
Lynn Sr.: "Ah, we'll tell them when they're older. Race you to the hot tub!"
[Rita and Lynn Sr. run back into the house to enjoy their own spa.]
Rita: [giggling] "Oh no, you don't!"
Lynn Sr.: "Come on, come on, come on!"