The following is a transcript for the episode "Roughin' It".
[Episode begins with the show Dream Boat playing.]
Narrator: "Will our captivating captain find her first mate, or will it be man overboard? Find out tonight as we set sail for love on...The Dream Boat."
[Shows the sisters watching, mouths open.]
Lori: [excited] "Eeeee! Karen should totes pick Bronson, he's...so gorge, I can't even..."
Luna: "No way, dude! What about Brock? He wrote her that sweet jam."
[Flashback to an episode where Karen is listening to Brock play the accordion.]
Lucy: "I like Bram."
[Flashback to another episode; Bram comes out from behind a beach chair looking sneaky.]
Lola: "Eww! He gives me the creeps!"
Leni: "I like Bryant!" [sniffs a rose] "He's so romantic..."
[Flashback to another episode; Karen is with Bryant on the ship's deck.]
Bryant: "Karen, I'll be your North Star." [sighs] "'Cause no matter where this journey takes you, I'll always be there to guide you home."
Lisa: "'North Star'? Ach, poppycock. Tree moss is a far more reliable means of navigation, given that it only grows on the north side of trees."
[The sisters grumble and toss their popcorn at her.]
Lynn: "I like Blaine!" [Flashbacks to Blaine in another episode.] "I bet he can bench 300 pounds, maybe 320 with his bod!"
[Lincoln has joined them.]
Lincoln: "Blaine? But he wore flip flops to their first date! I mean, I can't even..."
[The sisters chatter]
Lori: "Lincoln, it's so much fun watching this show with you, you're like...literally one of the girls!"
Lincoln: [gasps in shock] "One of the girls?!"
[Flashback to Lincoln's time hanging with his sisters. First, he hangs out in the bathroom with Lori wearing their bathrobes.]
Lori: [applying mud to Lincoln's face.] "This mud mask is both cleansing and invigorating."
Lincoln: "Oh, my pores are tingling!"
[Now Lincoln is giving Lucy a manicure in her room while he has headlight over her painted nails.]
Lucy: "Thanks, Lincoln. I always mess up my right hand."
Lola: [suddenly in the room] "HEY! Someone put her funeral dress in the wash..." [shows her splattered dress] "...with all my pageant gowns!!" [Growls and stomps over to Lucy, who pretends to die; she bonks her on the head.] "UGH! I can't rip you apart if you're already DEAD!"
[Now Lincoln is knitting something with Luna.]
Lincoln: "Back two over one."
Luna: "You got it, bro!" [tries on the headband she knitted.] "These accessories will make our outfits rockin'!
Lincoln: [having knitted fringes on the jacket he's wearing.] "Rocking!"
[Now Lincoln is working on a poncho Leni is wearing.]
Leni: "Lincoln, how's that hem coming?"
Lincoln: "Almost done!"
Leni: "Thanks! I can wear this poncho for all five seasons!"
[Lincoln rolls his eyes at this; end flashback.]
Lincoln: [to the viewers] "Yikes! Is spending all my time around girls turning me into one? Nah, I'm sure It'll turn out fine."
Lynn Sr.: [wearing a pink apron and holding pink muffins.] "What did I miss? Did Blaine finally put on some loafers?"
Lincoln: "This show's lame. Let's watch guy stuff." [changes the channel]
Male TV Announcer: "A lifetime in the extreme wilderness has made Rip Hardcore as tough as a two-dollar steak."
Lincoln: "Now this is my kind of show."
Lori: [scoffs] "Since when?"
Lynn Sr.: "Oh no, turn it back! We're gonna miss the anchor ceremony!"
[The sisters start fighting Lincoln over the remote.]
[The next day, Lincoln and Clyde are walking into the woods with their backpacks.]
Clyde: "Let me get this straight. You think living with the girls has made you unmanly so we're spending a weekend in the extreme wilderness so we can turn into steaks?"
Lincoln: "Eh, close enough. Now are you ready to get extreme?"
Clyde: "You know it!"
[Lincoln and Clyde chest bump each other; then Lincoln starts to continue his descent into the woods.]
Clyde: "Wait! I promised my dads I'd stay in their sight line."
[Camera pans out to reveal Howard and Harold at a nearby B&B.]
Clyde: "It's supposed to be a really nice B&B."
Lincoln: [facepalms] "Clyde! How are we supposed to toughen up with your dads watching over us?" [drags Clyde into the woods]
Clyde: "But they were willing to bring us some of their complementary welcome scones."
[Lincoln and Clyde approach a wooded area by a stream.]
Lincoln: "Now this spot looks perfect.
Clyde: [reads the sign] "But the sign says 'No Camping here! Extreme Danger!'"
Lincoln: "Exactly. Extreme! Our first order of business: securing shelter."
Clyde: [gets out a tent] "My dads used this tent on a safari last year. It has it own veranda."
Lincoln: "Tough guys don't sleep on verandas, Clyde." [picks up some twigs] "They build their own shelter."
[The next scene, Lincoln and Clyde's shelter simply consists of the twigs propped up against a tree.]
Clyde: "What a beaut."
Lincoln: "All in a manly day's work. Now, how about we rustle up some grub."
Clyde: "Great." [picks up a picnic hamper] "My dad made my favorite: Swiss Chard Frittata."
Lincoln: "Forget the frittata, Clyde. Tough guys eat beans." [holds out a can of beans]
[Clyde has prepared a stove and is now putting on an apron.]
Clyde: "Were you thinking chili or more of a cassoulet?"
[Cut to Clyde and Lincoln eating the beans raw but they're clearly not enjoying it.]
Lincoln: [feigning delight] "Mmm-mmm-mmm! Good stuff, right?"
Lincoln: "I think I'll save the rest for later."
Clyde: "Yeah, breakfast. Or never."
Lincoln: "Well, we're burning daylight he re. Better get started on our campfire."
Clyde: "Way ahead of you." [gets out an artificial campfire] "This baby's got LED lights, sick flames and realistic crackling sounds."
[Clyde turns on the artificial campfire but Lincoln turns it off.]
Lincoln: "Clyde, tough guys make real fires."
[Lincoln and Clyde make several attempts to build a fire but to no avail; as a result, Clyde and Lincoln find themselves shivering on a log.]
Lincoln: "R-r-really tough guys don't even need fire. They brave the elements."
[Clyde makes a farting sound.]
Clyde: "Sorry! Must have been the beans. Or the loss of feeling below my waist."
Lincoln: "No need to apologize, Clyde. Tough guys let it all out." [lets out a fart.]
Clyde: "Well, in that case..."
[Lincoln and Clyde have so much fun belching and farting until a bird drops from the sky.]
[The scene changes to nighttime as Lincoln and Clyde are laying their sleeping bags on the ground.]
Clyde: [yawns] "All this extreme ruggedness has worn me out." [set up an inflatable mattress.] "What level of firmness do you want?"
Lincoln: "We don't need that. The ground will be our mattress."
Clyde: "Oh, so extra firm."
[Lincoln and Clyde proceed to get into their sleeping bags, start shifting around in them and ultimately end up lying down on top of the inflatable bed inside them.]
Lincoln: "We're tough guys, not animals." [Clyde nods] "I'm really glad we did this, Clyde. Out here in the woods, away from all the girls. I'm starting to feel like a real man."
Clyde: "Me toot." [Proceeds to pass gas as he makes the pun and starts laughing.] "Oh, I think I just found a way to stay warm." [Passes gas one more time as Lincoln gives him a disapproving look and turns away from him.]
[Scene switches to morning.]
Lincoln: [Yawns] "Nothing like waking up in-"
Clyde: "WATER! We're in the water!" [Both of them scream.]
Lincoln: "How did this happen?"
[Flashback to their bed being taken away by rising water levels, then back to Lincoln and Clyde's un-amused faces. Both notice a waterfall up ahead and scream in terror.]
Lincoln and Clyde: "Paddle!"
[As they frantically try to paddle, some familiar debris flows down the river.]
Clyde: "Hey, isn't that our shelter?"
Lincoln: "It's making a dam!"
Lincoln: "We're saved, and all because we built our own shelter like the-"
[Inflatable bed blows up and sends Clyde into a thorn bush.]
Clyde: "Lincoln! Are you okay?"
Lincoln: "I'm fine, I landed on a really soft rock." [Moose gets up in anger.] "Not a rock, moose!"
[They proceed to scream in panic and run away from the charging moose, climbing a tree for safety in the process.]
Lincoln: "Ha, nothing two tough guys like us can't handle. Right Clyde?" [Moose starts ramming the tree, sending them flying.] "Clyde, are you okay?"
Clyde: "I'm fine, I landed on a really soft rock." [Bees come out of the hive.] "Not a rock, a bee hive!"
[They proceed to running away screaming from the bees as they get stung.]
Lincoln: "This is still nothing tough guys like us can't handle. [They stop running] At least it's not raining." [Rain starts coming down] "Is that all you got!?"
[Mud slide drags them down the mountain as they continue screaming. Both of them start panting.]
Clyde: "Lincoln, I know this probably sounds lame to a tough guy like you but I'm hungry and wet and cold and I kinda wish I were with my dads at the BMV eating welcome scones."
Lincoln: "So do I." [Sighs] "I was kidding myself, Clyde. I'm no tough guy. After all those years around all those women, it's too late for me. Now if you don't mind, I'm gonna lie down on this nice, soft rock." [Rock turns out to be a bear.] "Not a rock! Bear!"
[Clyde and Lincoln scream as the bear roars.]
Lincoln: [Gets an idea] "Clyde, quick, play dead!"
[They pretend to be dead as the bear checks for signs of life, then leaves when he thinks they're dead. They proceed to run away as soon as the bear leaves.]
Clyde: "Lincoln, that was amazing! How did you know to play dead?"
[Flashback to the Lucy and Lola moment.]
Lola: "I can't rip you apart if you're already dead."
[Back to the present; Lincoln and Clyde panting.]
Lincoln: "It's something I learned from Lucy."
Clyde: [shivering] "Does she know anything about keeping warm?"
Lincoln: "No, but Leni does."
[Flashback to the Leni and Lincoln moment.]
Leni: "I can wear this poncho for all 5 seasons. The key is the faux fur lining."
[Back to the present; they wear ponchos made out of leaves.]
Clyde: "Wow, it is so toasty."
Lincoln: "The key is the birch bark lining. Now come on, Clyde, we're going home."
Clyde: [Looks around] "Which way?"
Lincoln: "Why it's just..." [Look around lost] "...this way!"
[They start running]
Lincoln: [looks at the moss] "Lisa said that moss only grows on the north side of trees."
Clyde: "My dads are staying at the north valley B&B. Follow that moss!" [As they take off running and stop in front of a hill.] "How do we get up there?"
[Flashback to the Luna and Lincoln moment.]
Luna: "You got it, bro! These accessories will make our outfits rocking!
Luna: "And if you braid the strands real tight, they're strong enough to use as ropes. Right, Chunk?"
Chunk: [pulling on a rope] "Right as rain, love." [Notices the Piano is too big for the window.] "We're gonna need a bigger window, though."
[Back to the present]
Lincoln: "Back two, over one." [Pulls rope to test it.] "That'll hold."
[They start climbing up]
Clyde: "This is great, Lincoln. What did you make this rope out of?"
[Lincoln realizes what the rope is made out of and scene switches to Clyde and Lincoln next to a mud pit.]
Lincoln: "This should help the poison ivy."
[Flashback to the Lori and Lincoln moment.]
Lincoln: [With mud on his face.] "Oooh, my pores are tingling."
Lori: "It also soothes sunburn, poison ivy, and mild to moderate acne."
[Back to the present where the boys come across a rock they can't move.]
Clyde: "How are we gonna move this bad boy?"
[Lincoln starts thinking of a solution.]
[Flashback to a Lynn and Lincoln moment, as the latter struggles to move a trash can and makes struggling noises as Lynn comes into the scene.]
Lynn: "Step aside, I got this." [spits on her hands and rubs them together, proceeding to grab the trash can.] "You gotta lift with your legs, not your back. you see?" [Throws the trash can out and hits her dad in the process.]
Lynn Sr.: "OW!"
[Flashback to the present as the two boys move the rock out of the way.]
Clyde: [Comes across a log over a cliff and tries to cross it.] "Whoa!" [Loses his balance and hugs the log to prevent himself from falling off while Lincoln tries to think of another plan.]
[Flashback to Lola and Lincoln moment as the former practices her catwalk as she curtsies her dress in her high heels while having three books on her head.]
Lincoln: "How do you balance in those?"
Lola: "Eyes forward! Chin up! Tushie clenched!" [Grunts after showing a balance method.]
[Back to present where the boys are walking across the log safely.]
Clyde: "Good tip, Lincoln. It really works!" [As he walks along the log smiling and waving.]
Lincoln: "I don't think you have to do the wave."
[Clyde shrugs, air kisses and takes off behind Lincoln. The boys run through the woods until they arrive safely at the B&B.]
Lincoln: "Clyde, we did it! We made it back!" [falls to the grass and sighs in relief.]
Clyde: "I'm pooped. I'm just gonna sit down, and wait for my dads on this nice soft rock."
[Lincoln and Clyde remember their experiences with "soft rocks" and panic as Clyde jumps into Lincoln's arms as they realize...]
Clyde: "Oh, this one's really just a rock."
[Scene changes to the Loud House at night.]
Lincoln: [Working on muffins; to the viewers] "I thought spending so much time around my sisters was a problem, when actually it's just the opposite. If it wasn't for them I'd probably be moose meal by now." [Walking in the living room towards his sisters.] "And now that I don't have to worry about what's manly or girly or any of that junk I can go back to enjoying this." [offers muffins to his sisters and dad.] "Who wants strawberry muffins?"
[Loud Sisters and their dad all say "I do" multiple times as they completely clean up the tray. They proceed to start eating the muffins as Lincoln sits in between them to watch Dream Boat, he embraces Leni's legs, Lola hugs him and his dad rubs his hair.]
Lincoln: "Oh Blaine, please tell me you're not wearing clogs."
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