The following is a transcript for the episode "Room With a Feud".
[Lincoln is watching a baking show on TV while eating popcorn.]
Host: "Well, it's the moment you've all been waiting for. Which baker will take the cake and the trophy on Operation Dessert Storm?"
Host: "Will Linda's soufflé rise to the occasion? Or will Tony's puffs cream the competition?"
[Tony snarls viciously, forcing the host to back away.]
Host: "The judges have voted, and the champion is-"
[Lola suddenly comes in and pauses the show.]
Lola: "Ugh! Lana's been driving me crazy! Her animals stink up our room! And look what she did to my dolly!" [shows her doll's head shaved.]
Doll: [creepily] "Mama..."
Lincoln: "Why would she do that?"
[Enter Lana wearing the doll's hair in her armpits.]
Lana: "Whoo-hoo! I got pit hair!"
[Lola screams, tears her doll's head off, and chases Lana. Lincoln resumes his show.]
Host: "And the champion is-"
[The show pauses again, this time from Lynn.]
Lynn: "Lucy won't keep her bats off my side of the room." [rolls up her sleeve revealing a bite mark on her arm.] "Now one of them's bit me and he's got the taste for my blood."
Lincoln: "Aren't you being a little paranoid? I'm sure the bat doesn't-" [hears the bat screeching from the fireplace.] "Uh, you might wanna run."
[The bat chases after Lynn who's screaming for her life. Lincoln resumes his show.]
Host: "And the champ-"
[It pauses yet again by Leni much to Lincoln's chagrin.]
Leni: [holding a barrette with Lori's hair in it.] "Ugh! Lori is the worst roommate ever! Her huge hair broke my favorite clip!"
Lincoln: [anxious] "That's, uh..."
Leni: "Ooh! You're watching Operation Dessert Storm? Isn't it awesome that Linda won?"
[Lincoln groans from having been spoiled and goes up to his room where he gets a video chat call from Clyde.]
Clyde: "Lincoln! Did you see who won the finale?"
Lincoln: [upset] "No, but I heard about it."
Clyde: "I'm so glad it was Linda. Tony's cream puffs looked so dry, didn't they?"
[The sisters all start arguing so loud that Lincoln can hear it and the commotion causes a massive thud that shakes Lincoln's whole room.]
Clyde: [concerned] "Are you okay? Is there an earthquake there?"
Lincoln: [annoyed] "No. It's just my sisters having another roommate rumble."
Clyde: "Psh. Too bad they don't get along as well as we do." [holds up a compatibility test] "Right, Mr. 98% Compatible?"
Lincoln: [holds up the same test] "You know it!"
Clyde: "If not for our condiment preferences, we would've been matched 100%"!
Lincoln: [inspired] "Wait. You just gave me an idea."
Clyde: "You're gonna give up mustard and come over to the good life on the mayo side?" [holds up a jar of mayonnaise]
Lincoln: "I'm gonna fix my sisters' problems." [closes his laptop]
[The kids are all in Lori and Leni's room. The sisters are still unhappy.]
Lincoln: "It's no secret you guys are having some roommate trouble. Well, I think I can help. Clyde and I took this amazingly accurate compatibility test. If you guys take it, maybe we can find out which sister you're best matched with. Then you can change roommates."
Lola: "I'm willing to try anything." [holds up a doll] "This is my last dolly with hair!" [notices it's bald and gasps in horror.]
Lana: [wearing the doll's hair like a mustache.] "Relax. It grows back."
Lola: [furious] "NO IT DOESN'T!" [attacks Lana]
Lana: "I'd use my own hair, but-"
[Lori breaks them up]
Lori: [grunts] "Let's take that test."
Lincoln: [giving his sisters each a copy] "Great. I'll read the questions, then write down your answers. Number one: What's your favorite color?"
[Leni takes a peek at Lynn's answer.]
Leni: "Oh, dang it. I got that one wrong."
[She changes her answer and Lynn facepalms.]
1 HOUR LATER[The girls are doing their business in the living room when their brother shows up.]
Lincoln: "Guys, I've got the results. The new roomates are: Lana and Lynn, whose rugged personalities were a 90% match."
[Lana is polishing an engine and Lynn is doing push-ups. They give each other a thumbs-up.]
Lincoln: "Luna and Lisa, whose explosive personalities were an equally strong match."
[Lisa's chemical explodes on her and Luna shreds her guitar loudly much to Lori's shock. Lisa gives Luna a thumbs up and Luna throws up the goats to Lisa.]
Lincoln: "Lola and Lucy, 'cause they both have a flair for the dramatic."
Lola: "Us matching is the craziest thing that's ever happened!" [gasps and faints] "Ever!"
Lucy: "I am so shocked, I could die."
Lincoln: "Luan and Leni, due to their shared love of laughter."
Luan: [nudges Leni] "Chuckle up, Leni! There's no giggling out of this."
[The other sisters groan at that, but Leni laughs at it.]
Leni: [holding back her laughter] "That was so funny!"
Lincoln: "And lastly, Lori and Lily."
Lori: [confused] "Uh, what could we possibly have in common?" [notices Lily using a phone just like her] "Oh."
[The girls all agree to this decision.]
[Later, Lincoln goes upstairs and hears nothing but silence. He checks on Lynn and Lana.]
Lincoln: "Hey, guys. How's rugged roommate life going?"
[There's a mud puddle on the floor.]
Lana: "Lynn let me bring my mud."
Lynn: "It's perfect for rugby practice." [sways a bit and dives into the mud] "Score!"
Lana: [licks the mud] "Good stuff."
[Lincoln wipes the mud on his face off and checks on Lori and Lily.]
Lori: [laughing at her phone] "Literally."
Lily: [laughing at her phone] "Lil-lilly."
[Lincoln smiles at their bond and checks on Lisa and Luna.]
Luna: [drumming] "YO, LIS! IS THIS VOLUME OKAY?!"
Lisa: [working on her chemistry] "ACES! HOW'S THIS VOLUME?!"
[She pours in a chemical that causes an explosion, which Luna likes. Lincoln goes over to check on Lola and Lucy who are having a tea party with Edwin and Lola's baby doll as guests. Lola pours in her doll's tea, but Lucy stops her from pouring Edwin's.]
Lucy: "Thanks, but he only drinks blood."
Lola: "No problem." [switches the teapot out for kettles filled with different types of blood.] "Does he take O Positive or B Negative?"
[Lucy and Lincoln smile, and the brother checks on Leni and Luan.]
Luan: [practicing with Mr. Coconuts] "Hey, Mr. Coconuts, what did the sushi say to the bee? Wasa-bee!"
Leni: [laughing like crazy] "Luan, stop it!" [laughs so hard she falls back on the beanbag.]
[Lincoln is happy at this and goes back to his room to tell Clyde the good news on his laptop.]
Lincoln: "Hey, Clyde."
Clyde: [wearing a chef outfit] "Oh, hey, Lincoln. I was just giving myself the ten minute trifle challenge." [frosts a cake]
Lincoln: "So, guess what? I gave my sisters the compatibility test, they changed rooms, and it's working like a dream! You hear how quiet it is?"
[At that moment...]
Lynn: [off-screen] "DANG IT, LANA!"
Lincoln: [calmly] "Uh, probably just a little glitch. I'll call you back." [goes to Lana and Lynn's room]
Lynn: [fighting a snake with her hockey stick.] "Get your dumb snake off my lucky jersey!"
Lana: "If she's so dumb, how'd she find all your protein bars when you were asleep, huh?"
[Lynn growls and snaps her hockey stick in fury, much to Lincoln's worry.]
Lucy: [off-screen] "You monster!"
[Lincoln checks on Lucy and Lola]
Lucy: "What have you done to Edwin?" [shows him sporting a color scheme like Lola's.]
Lola: "Brought him into the 21st century. You're welcome!"
Lucy: "That's my least favorite century."
[Lily starts crying and Lincoln rushes to her and Lori.]
Lincoln: "What's going on?"
Lori: "I accidentally stepped on Lily's phone and she's making a huge deal!"
[Lily suddenly takes a picture of Lori from a certain angle.]
Lori: [fiercely] "DON'T YOU DARE POST THOSE!"
[Lily giggles wickedly and posts the photos which reveal Lori having double chins.]
Lori: [horrified as she screams; a loud glass shattering sound is heard and Lisa screams; Lincoln checks on her and Luna.]
Lisa: [with her glasses broken] "I specifically told you never to play any note above a D6!"
Luna: "Better check that 'tude, dude! Nobody tells me how to shred."
[Leni is still laughing at Luan]
Luan: [annoyed] "Leni, stop laughing. All I said is I have to pee."
Leni: "How do you come up with this stuff?"
[Leni keeps laughing while Luan exasperatedly goes to the bathroom. The other sisters in anger gather around to complain.]
Lori: "Lincoln's lame test didn't work."
Lola: "Yeah. There's no way I'm compatible with Spooky."
Lucy: "Oh, you wanna go, Princess?"
Lisa: [breaking them up] "Easy, easy. We can fix this. There must be a flaw in Lincoln's testing algorithm."
[Lisa is checking the test again]
Lisa: "Hmm...Ace Savvy's Superhero Duo Quiz: Find your partner in crime-fighting? This is the amazingly accurate compatibility test that led you to uproot the entire household?"
Lincoln: "It was dead-on about me and Clyde."
Lisa: "Yes! You two are compatible because you're both dunces!" [to her sisters] "Everyone, remain calm. We can still determine the optimal roommate arrangement. Just need to use actual science." [reveals a matchup computer in her room] "I invented this baby to help Pop-Pop find a soulmate, but he wasn't ready for love again." [puts in data] "I simply input everyone's data in the form of report cards, journals, medical records and DNA samples."
Luan: [suspicious] "Uh...how'd you get our DNA samples?""
Lisa: [feigning innocence] "Did I say DNA samples?"
[The computer prints out the results.]
Lisa: "And voila. Our perfect matches. Lori and Lola will be together since they both excel in social situations and possess an authoritarian nature."
[Lori and Lola notice Lana and Charles chewing on shoes and shout in unison.]
Lola: "Drop it, Lana!"
Lori: "Drop it, Charles!"
[Lana and Charles drop it and Lola and Lori look at each other surprised.]
Lisa: "Leni will be rooming with Lynn."
Leni and Lynn: "Wait. Why are we together? That doesn't make any sense. We don't even have anything in common!" [look at each other in confusion.]
Lisa: "Luna will be with Lana since both enjoy garage-based hobbies and wield a wicked axe."
[Luna, holding her guitar, and Lana, holding an inflatable play ax, look at each other.]
Lisa: "Luan will be with Lucy because of their shared creativity and unusual proclivity for befriending inanimate objects."
[The inanimate objects in question are Mr. Coconuts and Edwin, and Luan and Lucy look at each other.]
Lisa: "Lily will be with Lincoln-"
Lincoln: "Whoa, whoa, whoa! Why am I included?"
Lisa: "It's self-evident. To find the most accurate sibling matches, one must include all the siblings."
Lincoln: [suspicious] "Wait, I see what's going on. Isn't it convenient that everyone has a roommate except you?"
Lisa: "Actually, I prefer cohabitation so that I have a built-in test subject. But it seems I match with no one. It's a head-scratcher."
[She scratches her head which causes her hair to fall off revealing her brain pulsating from her cranium which her siblings gasp at the sight of in horror.]
[Later, Lincoln is reluctantly moving in with Lily.]
Lincoln: "Darn Lisa thinks she's so smart just because her brain's green." [notices Lily] "Now, Lily, if we're gonna be roomies-"
Lily: [pops up] "Peek-a-boo!"
Lincoln: "You'll need to set down some-"
Lily: [interrupting] "Yah-boo!"
Lincoln: "Ground rules, and-"
[Lily sneezes on him which knocks him out and giggles at it. Later that night, Lincoln can't sleep because Lily is babbling until she falls asleep and snores.]
Lincoln: [relieved] "Finally." [lays down but hears an intense fart.] "Oh, no..."
[The smell covers his area. He pounds on Lisa's door and she lets him in.]
Lincoln: "Guess what, Ms. Smarty Pants? There must be a flaw in your testing algorithm because Lily and I are definitely not compatible."
[Lisa goes over to the computer to reevaluate and gets a shocking result.]
Lisa: "Oh, dear. This is what we in the scientific community call an oopsie. Everyone matched at over 90%, but it appears you and Lily only matched at 17%."
Lincoln: "Aha! Then this whole thing is bogus, and I'm calling it off! We are switching back."
[He storms out and goes over to Luna and Lana's room, but hears laughter. Lana dumps mud all over Luna's timpani drums and Luna bangs and splashes a good beat.]
Luna: "We make a great team, Lans!"
[Lincoln is shocked and hears Leni laughing and sees Lynn bench-pressing her.]
Leni: "Whoo!" [laughs]
Lynn: [grunting] "Thanks for letting me bench-press you. You're, like, the perfect weight."
Leni: "Well, thank you. 'Cause you're helping me decorate the ceiling." [puts a sticker on the ceiling along with some others she put on.]
[Lincoln is shocked at that and goes to see Lucy and Luan who are playing poker with their soulmates.]
Lucy: [dealing] "I have ace high. Edwin has two pair."
Luan: "I've got a full house." [as Mr. Coconuts] "And I've got a four of a kind. Just like us, right, gang?" [laughs with Lucy] "You're so funny, Mr. Coconuts."
[Lincoln is flabbergasted at seeing them get along.]
Lori: [unhappy] "No!"
[Hearing that makes Lincoln smile and he checks on her and Lola.]
Lori: [on her phone] "Not that shirt, Bobby. The one I got you!"
Lola: [shaking her fist] "You'd better still have it, Bobby!"
[They hang up on a frightened Bobby.]
Lori: "Good. Now let's call that pageant judge who gave you a 4." [dials the judge's number]
Lola: "Oh, this should be good."
[Lincoln sighs, gives up, and goes back to his new room, reading a comic book with a flashlight where he finds Lily drooled all over it.]
Lincoln: [disgusted] "Ugh. Lily!" [gets a call from Clyde on video chat] "Hey, Clyde."
Clyde: "Hey, Lincoln. How did that roommate swap turn out?"
Lincoln: "Not so great for me. I ended up rooming with Lily."
Clyde: "What? That's not fair. You have to get your sisters to switch back."
Lincoln: "I was going to, Clyde, but they all seem so happy now. I don't wanna ruin it for them, so I'll just have to take one for the team."
[Unbeknownst to him, Lucy, Lana, and Leni overheard him.]
Clyde: "You're a great brother, Lincoln. I'm gonna make you the best Crêpe Suzette ever."
[The next day, Lincoln wakes up and finds that he's back in his old room.]
Lincoln: "What's happening? Am I dreaming?"
[The sisters come in]
Lola: "No, dummy. We moved you while you were asleep. Well, Lynn and Lana did."
[Lynn and Lana are wearing back braces and panting from an exhausting job.]
Leni: "We all moved back to our old rooms."
Lincoln: "But I thought the new pairings were working great for everybody."
Luna: "They were, dude, but when we saw that you were willing to take one for the team, we thought there might be a way we could all be happy."
Lana: "Instead of changing rooms, maybe we can try a little harder to change our attitudes."
Lincoln: "Thanks, guys. You're the best."
[The sisters sans Lisa leave]
Lisa: "Oh. By the way, Lincoln, I'm not certain I removed all my chemicals from your room. There's still a few unaccounted for. So, just let me know if you see anything." [leaves and closes the door]
[Suddenly, there's an explosion in Lincoln's room which causes his hair to fall off and reveal his brain now green and pulsating, just like Lisa's.]
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