The following is a transcript for the episode "Project Loud House".
[It is an early weekday morning at the Loud House, and Lincoln is putting the finishing touches on something.]
Lincoln: [to the viewers] "Ever wonder what it's like to grow up in a big family? Well, so does my teacher. Our class assignment is to do a report on our families. With ten sisters, I can sum up mine in one word: "Chaos"!"[reveals a diorama of Lincoln's daily chaos in a replica of the show's first promotional poster.] "It took 3 weeks, 4 boxes of pasta, 2 tubes of glue, and 27 popsicle sticks, but the centerpiece of my project is finally finished. Pretty accurate representation of the Loud Family, I'd say. But making this thing was the easy part. The real challenge is getting it to school on time and in one piece to give my report. Sounds easy, right? Not in my house. If you want to get all ten of your sisters out the door on time, you have to get up pretty early, and you have to have a plan."
[A commotion starts to take place and the water from Lincoln's glass starts to shake, indicating only one thing.]
Lincoln: "The ten-headed beast has awoken. Wish me luck." [takes diorama and steps out the door but quickly busts out an umbrella because Luan planted a bucket of water for him and he saves his diorama.] "Not today, Luan."
Luan: "Oh, we'll see about that. Pailure is not an option!" [laughs] "Get it?"
Lincoln: "I'll just take this to the car later. But first...Luna. A little "Man with the plan" music?"
Luna: "You got it, man!" [starts playing while Luan prepares to strike again.]
Lola: [fighting over a dollar with Lana.] "It's my dollar!"
Lana: "No, it's mine!"
Lola: "Let go!"
Lana: "No, you let go!"
Lincoln: "Right on cue."
Lola: "You let go!"
Lana: "Stop it!"
[Lincoln takes their dollar.]
Lincoln: [gives them exact change] "Half for Lola, half for Lana."
Twins: "Thanks, Lincoln!"
Lucy: [right behind her brother] "Good morning, Lincoln."
Lincoln: [startled] "Yah! Good morning, Lucy."
Lucy: "For my new poem, I need a word that rhymes with "choose"."
Lincoln: "Uh...how about "lose"?"
Lucy: "That works." [writes it down]
Lincoln: [holding Lily's baby clothes] "Time to get dressed, Lily!"
Lynn: [with a football] "Hey, Lincoln! Think fast!" [tosses it]
[Lincoln tosses Lily in the air and catches the football.]
Lynn: [chuckles] "Nice catch, Lincoln."
Lincoln: "Nice throw, Lynn." [gives it back and catches Lily and starts to dress her.]
Lori: [on her phone with Bobby] "OMG, Bobby. I literally had to call you right away. I am just so excited about the homecoming dance."
[Lincoln notices that Luan has placed another bucket right above Lori and Leni's door and quickly opens his umbrella to save Lori before she gets drenched.]
Lori: "I know, right? You're so sweet!" [giggles]
[Lincoln makes the "I'm watching you" gesture to Luan.]
Luan: [determined] "I'll get the drop on you yet." [laughs] "Get it?"
Lori: [to Lincoln] "What do you want?"
Lincoln: "Lori, could you maybe hang up the phone and get ready for school?"
Lori: "Cool it, twerp. I'm quite capable of doing two things at once."
[Leni comes by with a bubble from her gum and trips.]
Leni: "Note to self: never walk and chew gum at the same time."
Lincoln: "Time's running out!" [rushes to his room.]
Lynn: [with a Soccer ball] "Lincoln! Think fast!" [kicks it]
[Lincoln catches the ball; Lola and Lana walk out of their room; Lincoln heads into his room to get his project.]
Lincoln: "Okay, let's get you downstairs."
[Lisa comes out of her room with a steaming flask.]
Lisa: "Scatter! She's gonna blow!"
Lincoln: "Or not." [puts his project back in his room.] "Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait!" [adds an extra chemical to the flask and stops it from exploding.] "Phew. Lisa, you're always forgetting the dinitrotoluene."
Lisa: "Silly me. Much appreciated." [it explodes anyway] "I'M STILL ALIVE!"
Lynn: [dressed as Lunatic Lynn] "AYYYEEE!!! LUCHA LIBRE!" [lunges and falls down the stairs.] "Todo bien..."
Lincoln; [sees Lily] "Lily! Pants!" [slips baby pants on Lily]
[Lola and Lana are arguing over who gets to use the bathroom first.]
Lola: "I was here first!"
Lana: "No, I was!"
Lola: "Nuh-uh, I was!"
Lana: "No way! I was!"
Lola: "You always say that!"
Lana: "You do!"
[Lincoln puts on a pair of roller skates and goes into the bathroom.]
Twins: "Hey! No cutting!"
[Lincoln gives them their toothbrushes and liberally applies toothpaste to them.]
Twins: "Thanks, Lincoln!"
[Lincoln tosses the toothpaste tube back where it belongs and skates down the hall.]
Leni: "Has anyone seen my zit cream?"
[Lincoln hands it to her.]
Lori: "I literally found the cutest dress to wear!"
[Lincoln looks annoyed at her lack of punctuality.]
Lucy: "A word that rhymes with "stuck"."
Luan: "How do you stop a rhino from charging?"
Lincoln: "You take away his credit card!"
Lincoln: [leaping over Lisa who's writing a mathematical formula on the wall.] "Mom said no solving for X on the walls!" [passes by Lucy who's about to ask him for another rhyme for another word in her poem.] "Same! Blame! Game! Fame!"
Lynn: "Where the heck are my roller skates? I've got field hockey today!"
Lincoln: [takes them off and returns them] "Wait. There's no roller skates in field hockey."
Lynn: "The way I play, there is!" [grabs them and goes to put them on.]
[Lily comes toddling by.]
Lincoln: [grabs her] "Gotcha!" [to the viewers] "Phase one of Operation Get Ready For School and Into the Car on Time is complete. Now comes phase two: breakfast."
Luna: [finishes her number] "THANK YOU!!!"
[Breakfast is being made; an egg falls onto the skillet and it's shown that Lincoln is in charge of cooking today.]
Lincoln: [to the viewers] "Cooking is usually Dad's territory, but I gave him the day off 'cause I have to kick things into high gear." [begins serving certain eggs to certain sisters.] "Egg whites for Leni, sunny-side up for Luna, funny-side up for Luan..."
Luan: "Great yolk!" [laughs]
Lincoln: "...scrambled for Lynn, fried for Lisa, deviled eggs for the twins, and..."
Lori: [still on the phone with Bobby] "Oh, and I picked out the perfect tux for you to wear, Bobby."
Lincoln: [growing more irritated] "...hard boiled for Lori." [serves some runny eggs on Lily's high chair.] "Extra goo goo gooey for Lily." [serving some rather burned eggs to Lucy.] "And for Lucy, extra well done."
Lucy: "If I had a heart, it would be swelling right now."
[Everyone has finished breakfast and is heading for the door.]
Lincoln: "All righty, then, we are dressed and fed, and now we have our backpacks and lunches prepared to dietary needs. We're just waiting on Lori."
[Enter Lori with the keys to the van.]
Lori: "No, not puke, Bobby. Puce. It's like a reddish brownish."
Lincoln: "Everyone, wait here while I grab my project!" [gets it] "Time for phase three: getting you out the door and in one piece."
[Geo gets his hamster ball right under Lincoln's foot.]
Lincoln: "Whoa, whoa!" [rolls down the stairs and stops right in front of the door before impact.] "Phew. Okay then, we're all ready to go? Time for phase four, out the door!" [to the viewers] "Like I said, if you want to get all your sisters out the door on time, you have to have a plan."
[Right before they can get out the door...]
Lori: [angry at Bobby] "Fine! If you don't wanna wear the tux, then I don't wanna go to the dance! In fact...I DON'T EVEN WANNA GO TO SCHOOL!" [screams in frustration]
Lincoln: "So close..." [puts his project down] "Wait!" [stops everyone from going back to their rooms.] "No no no. Everyone, stay right where you are." [heads upstairs] "Lori, wait! You're the only one who can drive us!"
Lori: "GET MOM TO DRIVE YOU!" [shuts herself in her room.]
Lincoln: "But she's already left!"
Leni: [suddenly with a light blue skin pigmentation.] "AAAHH!!! I'M BLUE!!! MY SKIN'S TURNED BLUE!!!"
Lisa: "Technically, it's a shallow shade of cerulean, but why split hairs?"
Lincoln: "Lisa, what did you do?"
Lisa: "I secretly switched Leni's blemish cream for an experimental skin pigmentation ointment I've been working on."
[Leni starts shaking with worry.]
Lincoln: "Why would you do that?"
Lisa: "Because she wouldn't let me try it on her if I had asked."
Lincoln: "You go upstairs right now and get something to fix it!"
Lisa: "Fine. Hairless apes: one, science: zero." [heads upstairs]
Lincoln: [starting to lose it] "Can't something go my way for once?"
Luna: "You can't always get what you want, bro."
Lucy: [right behind him again] "Lincoln, I've finished my poem. It's called "Failure"."
Lincoln: [too down to be startled by her lurking.] "Lucy, I really don't have time for-"
Lucy: "Failure. It is not an option, yet it's something you choose. The man with the plan is destined to lose."
[Lily comes walking by naked.]
Lincoln: "LILY! Where are your clothes? And where's your diaper?" [gives chase]
Lily: "I go poo-poo!" [laughs and walks behind the sofa]
[Lincoln steps in something nasty.]
Lincoln: [nauseated] "I found the diaper..." [changes his shoes into a fresh pair after that.]
Lucy: [still reading] "Failure. You know there is no one else to blame. For the choices you make are always the same."
Lincoln: [knocking on Lori's door] "Come on, Lori! Please? I have my report this morning!"
Lori: [refusing to come out] "GO AWAY!"
[Downstairs, the twins are arguing over different kinds of sandwiches in their lunches.]
Lola: "The peanut butter sandwich is mine!"
Lana: "No, the jelly sandwich is yours!"
[Lincoln groans in frustration.]
Lola: "You like the peanut butter and I like the jelly!"
Lana: "You like peanut butter and I like jelly!"
Lola: "No, I like jelly and you-"
[Lincoln takes their sandwiches.]
[Lincoln makes it so that both sandwiches have peanut butter AND jelly on them.]
Lincoln: "Now you each have a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Now, get to the car."
Twins: "Thanks, Lincoln!" [head to the car]
Lisa: [with a first aid ointment] "Here's the antidote."
Lincoln: "Thank you!" [suspicious] "Wait a second..." [tests it on Walt who suddenly blows up like a blimp and finds out that Lisa was about to trick him.] "The real antidote?"
Lisa: "Fine. Hairless apes: two, science: zero." [hands him the actual antidote and goes to the car.]
Lincoln: [hands it to Leni] "Here."
[Leni sighs with relief and goes to use it.]
Lucy: [still reading] "Failure. It's all your fault, this streak of bad luck. No escape from this cycle in which you are stuck."
Lincoln: "Stop! I've got a poem for you now. It's called "Lucy". Dark as night, hair like tar. Take your spooky self to the car."
Lucy: "Sigh. Once again, your poetic brilliance has put me to shame." [heads to the car]
Lynn: "Think fast!" [comes rolling through the hall and crashes into Lincoln, knocking him down to his underwear.]
Lynn: "Where is my field hockey stick? I have roller derby today!"
Lincoln: "There's no field hockey sticks in roller derby!" [spins her around and launches her to the car.]
Lynn: "The way I play, there is!" [crashes into her seat] "Ow!"
Leni: "Finally. I look perfect and beautiful again."
[Just as she's about to get in, Lincoln shields her with the umbrella because Luan was at it again, leading him to glare at her angrily.]
Luan: [also fed up at Lincoln] "Oh, come on! I thought we were pails!" [laughs]"Get it? Get it?"
[Leni gets in]
Lincoln: "How am I gonna deal with Lori?" [gets an idea] "Got it!" [calls her using the family phone.]
Lincoln: [falsetto] "Hey, babe. It's your boyfriend, Bobby. I just wanted to say that I'm...I'm sorry and that I will wear any tux you want."
Lori: [gasps and squeals with delight, having fallen for it.] "Oh, Bobby!" [laughs with joy and comes out of her room as Lincoln hangs up and is now in a good mood.] "Would you hurry up, Lincoln? It's always such a hassle getting you out of the door in the morning." [picks Lily up and heads to the car.]
[Lincoln smiles knowing everything's back on track, grabs his project and closes the door; however, he sees Luna is getting some help putting her amps into the van.]
Lincoln: "What's all this?"
Luna: "It's my gear, dude. I have rehearsal."
Lincoln: "And who's that?"
Luna: "This is my roadie, Chunk."
[Chunk tips his hat to Lincoln.]
Lincoln: "No no no. He was not part of the plan. You, out! I'll take care of this."
[Chunk walks away upset]
Luna: "Thanks, bro!" [gets in the car]
[Lincoln gets Luna's gear into the trunk and heads to the shotgun seat, but he left his project right on the driveway.]
Lincoln: "Operation complete! And with ten minutes to spare. A Loud House first, I might add. Let's roll!"
[As Lori starts up the car, Luan can be heard laughing in the background. Lori is about to roll out, but realization hits Lincoln.]
[Lori stops the car and Lincoln rushes out in a panic; thankfully, his project is safe.]
Lincoln: [picks it up] "Phew. That was close." [slips on one of Lynn's skates and trips, his project flying in the air; in slow-motion.] "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!"
[Too late; his project hits the ground and is ultimately ruined.]
Lincoln: [lamenting] "All of this work for nothing...how could I be so stupid?! How? How? How?"
Lori: "If you're done with your pity party, maybe we could help."
Lynn: "Yeah. 11 heads are better than 1."
Luan: "Try not to lose yours." [laughs]
Luna: "Yeah. Every little thing is gonna be alright."
Lincoln: [hopeful] "Really? You'll help?"
Lola and Lana: "It's what families do."
Lincoln: "But I'm supposed to give this report in ten minutes and this thing is destroyed. What can you guys do?"
[Although Lincoln has lost all hope, his sisters smile confidently with an idea.]
[Mrs. Johnson's Class; Lincoln is giving his report.]
Lincoln: "In conclusion, in my family, every day is a challenge. But you can be sure that when I need them, my sisters will always be there for me. All of them."
[It is revealed that his sisters are all standing perfectly still and replicating his project.]
Lincoln: "And sure, life in the Loud House can be summed up in one word: chaos. But I love that chaos. And I wouldn't trade it for the world."
Mrs. Johnson: [applauding Lincoln's performance] "That was a fantastic report, Lincoln. I'm giving you an A." [gets drenched by one of Luan's buckets.] "Aaahh!"
[Lincoln gasps and the bucket falls on her head.]
Mrs. Johnson: "Make that an A-minus."
[Everyone except Luan is speechless to see Mrs. Johnson's expense.]
Luan: [triumphant] "Pailed it!" [laughs]
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