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The following is a transcript for the episode "Pipe Dreams".
[The episode begins inside the Loud House with Lynn Sr. and Rita rushing up the stairs]
Lynn Sr.: [Acknowledging Rita] Oh, somebody's in a hurry to get to the bathroom.
Rita: I have an early root canal at work.
Lynn Sr.: Well I have to get to my fish guy before the good stuff's gone.
[They reach the top of the stairs, and start shoving]
Rita: [In union with her husband] I'll just be a minute.
Lynn Sr.: [In union with his wife] I'll be in and out.
[They look and see a long line]
Lori: [Pounding on the door] Leni! What is taking so long?!
Leni: Somethings wrong with this mirror. [Lori comes in, sighs knowing Leni's dilemma, and closes the medicine cabinet. Leni looks and is horrified] O M Gosh! How embarrassing!
Lori: [Think Leni means the mirror] Don't worry about it Leni.
Leni: This chin hair is like, three inches long.
[Leni pluck it out while Lori is just irritated. Lynn Sr. and Rita just look in disbelief]
Rita: [To Lynn Jr.] Lynn, could we cut in front of you? We're running late.
Lynn: You know the rules, we all gotta wait our turn, besides, I won a hot dog eating contest yesterday, and those puppies are barking to be let out.
[Rita and Lynn Sr. are now worried]
[About twenty minutes later, Rita and Lynn Sr. are next, and in serious pain]
Lynn Sr.: Ugh, why do we have to live like this?
Lana: [From her room] If you're in a hurry, you should do what I do, use the second bathroom.
Rita: What second bathroom?
Lana: [Pulling out a bucket full of, nouns] Old Sloshie. [Lana's parents deny the offer in repulse] Suit yourself.
[Goes back into her room, Rita is still revolted, but Lynn Sr. gets an idea]
Lynn Sr.: Wait, wait, wait, wait, maybe she's on to something, what if we did put in a second bathroom? One that's just for us? I mean, come on, we're adults, we deserve it.
Rita: Uh, no, that will never work. The kids will just take it over. Remember when we got that adjustable bed, just for us?
[Flashback to the Loud siblings on said bed in their parents room]
Lincoln: And liftoff! [Pushes the button on the remote]
[The siblings started bouncing up and down on the bed when Lisa flies out the window, lands on the ground, and the adjustable bed is broken]
Lisa: I'm okay!
[They looked at their parents with annoyed looks on their faces, end flashback]
Lynn Sr.: [Acknowledging that] Yeah, you're right, but, what if they didn't know about it? We could build in the basement, or the attic.
Rita: Or our closet. [She and Lynn Sr. start liking the idea] Wait, we're talking about lying to our own children, do we really want to do that?
[Lynn Jr. has finished doing her business and gestures to her parents that the bathroom is all theirs, or rather whats left of it]
Lynn Sr. and Rita: [Seeing the waste dump that was the family bathroom] Yes we do.
[Later that day, Lana and Lola are playing in the yard, Lana making mud pies, and Lola ribbon dancing. Rita and Lynn Sr. sneak behind the tree with construction equipment, check to see that the twins weren't looking and sneak closer to the house. They stop at the front door when they see Leni coming out, she doesn't notice them, and they slip inside. They give each other a thumbs up, but Lori comes in accidentally hitting them with the front door while she is on her phone]
Lori: Miguel and Todd are literally so annoying.
[She doesn't even see her parents drop to the floor in pain. Later, in the living room Lincoln is watching ARGGH while Lisa is reading]
Hunter Spector: I feel an eerie presence, time to rev up my ghost containment device.
[Hunter pulls out a vacuum cleaner like device and starts sucking at a hole in the floor, while action music starts playing]
Rita: Oh, you guys watching ARGGH? Fun, but how can you even hear it?
[Rita maximizes the volume, causing Lincoln and Lisa to cover their ears]
Lisa: [Over the loud music] Mother! It's too loud! It's aggravating my tinnitus.
[Rita places earphones on Lisa and goes into her room, she gives Lynn Sr. a thumbs up and the two strap on their goggles, Lynn takes a crowbar, hands Rita a sledge hammer, and the two start ripping out the back wall of their closet]
[Later, Lynn Sr. comes out of the closet stuffing the debris into his pants, he awkwardly walks out of the room, through the kitchen, and into Lynn Jr.]
Lynn: Hey, dad. [Lynn Sr. shrieks in surprise, sees the debris starting to drop, and readjusts it, much to Lynn's confusion] Are you okay?
Lynn Sr.: Oh, yeah, just a little stiff in the joints, [readjusts the rubble] not gettin' any younger.
[Awkwardly smiles, but Lynn Jr. gets what he's implying]
Lynn: You just need an adjustment, [cracking her knuckles] come here.
Lynn Sr.: No, no, no, no, no, no, no, I can, uh, I can walk it off.
[Starts awkwardly walking out the backdoor. Once he's out he let's out a sigh of relief, buries the debris, pulls some piping out of the van, let's out another sigh of relief, and walks back into the kitchen, his pants even bulkier than before. He and Lynn Jr. exchange awkward glances, and he awkwardly starts walking back to his room, pipes clanging, much to Lynn Jr.'s concern]
Lynn: Dad, it sounds like you're getting worse, you gotta let me help you.
Lynn Sr. Na, no, no, no, no, I'm just dehydrated. [Drinks out of the flowerpot on the table, scoffs the flowers down with it, causing him to choke a little] Y'see, much better.
[Awkwardly walks back to his room, much to Lynn Jr.'s confusion and disturbance]
[Later that night, Luna is in her bed, snoring away, when her father comes in, cowbell in hand]
Lynn Sr.: Hey Lunes, lets jamma-lamma-ding-dong.
[Starts playing, Luna wakes up, not in the mood for a jam session]
Luna: Pops, I'm trying to catch some zees, I got school tomorrow.
[Lies back down and tries to go back to sleep]
Lynn Sr.: Come on, which is more important? School, or rock and roll?
Luna: [Waking back up, now interested] Well, when you put it that way.
[Takes her axe from her father, jumps down from her bed, and the two start rocking out. Something Luna's roommate is not too happy about]
Luan: [Wakes up, flabbergasted] Have you guys lost your minds!?!
[Meanwhile, down in the parents bedroom, Rita hears the noise, and starts readjusting the pipes]
[Later, Lola comes downstairs, timid, and knocks on her parents door]
Lola: Mommy, Daddy, I had a nightmare, I wanna sleep in your bed.
[Rita and Lynn Sr. are carrying a toilet, and wearing head lamps, they grow nervous
Rita: What do we do?
Lynn Sr.: I got this. [They put the toilet down and Lynn Sr. jumps out the window] I'm okay.
Lola: Let me in. What are you doing in there?
Lynn Sr.: [From behind Lola] Hey, [Lola jumps and screams] you need to sleep in your own bed honey.
Lola: [Confused and scared] How did you get out here? [Suspiciously] And why are you wearing that weird hat?
Lynn Sr.: Shh, it's all a dream.
[Lynn Sr. drags Lola back to her bed, while she is even more confused]
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