The following is a transcript for the episode "Pipe Dreams".
[The episode begins inside the Loud House with Lynn Sr. and Rita rushing up the stairs.]
Lynn Sr.: [Acknowledging Rita] Oh, somebody's in a hurry to get to the bathroom.
Rita: I have an early root canal at work.
Lynn Sr.: Well, I have to get to my fish guy before the good stuff's gone.
[They reach the top of the stairs, and start shoving.]
Rita: [In union with her husband] I'll just be a minute.
Lynn Sr.: [In union with his wife] I'll be in and out.
[They look and see their kids waiting on a long line.]
Lori: [Pounding on the door] Leni! What is taking so long?!
Leni: Something’s wrong with this mirror. [Lori comes in, sighs knowing Leni's dilemma, and closes the medicine cabinet. Leni looks and is horrified.] O-M-Gosh! How embarrassing!
Lori: [Think Leni means the mirror.] Don't worry about it, Leni.
Leni: This chin hair is like, three inches long.
[Leni pluck it out while Lori is just irritated. Lynn Sr. and Rita just look in disbelief.]
Rita: [To Lynn Jr.] Lynn, could we cut in front of you? We're running late.
Lynn: You know the rules, we all gotta wait our turn. Besides, I won a hot dog eating contest yesterday, and those puppies are barking to be let out.
[Rita and Lynn Sr. are now worried.]
[About twenty minutes later, Rita and Lynn Sr. are next, and in serious pain.]
Lynn Sr.: Ugh, why do we have to live like this?
Lana: [From her room] If you're in a hurry, you should do what I do, use the second bathroom.
Rita: What second bathroom?
Lana: [Pulling out a bucket full of, unspeakable contents.] Old Sloshie. [Lana's parents deny the offer in repulse.] Suit yourself.
[Goes back into her room, Rita is still revolted, but Lynn Sr. gets an idea.]
Lynn Sr.: Wait, wait, wait, wait, maybe she's on to something, what if we did put in a second bathroom? One that's just for us? I mean, come on, we're adults, we deserve it.
Rita: Uh, no, that will never work. The kids will just take it over. Remember when we got that adjustable bed, just for us?
[Flashback to the Loud siblings on the bed in their parents’ room.]
Lincoln: And liftoff! [Pushes the button on the remote.]
[The siblings started bouncing up and down on the bed when Lisa flies out the window, lands on the ground, and the adjustable bed is broken.]
Lisa: I'm okay!
[They looked at their parents with annoyed looks on their faces, end flashback.]
Lynn Sr.: [Acknowledging that] Yeah, you're right. But, what if they didn't know about it? We could build in the basement, or the attic.
Rita: Or our closet. [She and Lynn Sr. start liking the idea.] Wait, we're talking about lying to our own children, do we really want to do that?
[Lynn Jr. has finished doing her business and gestures to her parents that the bathroom is all theirs, or rather what's left of it.]
Lynn Sr. and Rita: [Seeing the waste dump that was the family bathroom.] Yes, we do.
[Later that day, Lana and Lola are playing in the yard, Lana making mud pies, and Lola ribbon dancing. Rita and Lynn Sr. sneak behind the tree with construction equipment, check to see that the twins weren't looking and sneak closer to the house. They stop at the front door when they see Leni coming out, she doesn't notice them, and they slip inside. They give each other a thumbs up, but Lori comes in accidentally hitting them with the front door while she is on her phone.]
Lori: Miguel and Todd are literally so annoying.
[She doesn't even see her parents drop to the floor in pain. Later, in the living room, Lincoln is watching ARGGH! while Lisa is reading.]
Hunter Spector: I feel an eerie presence, time to rev up my ghost containment device.
[Hunter pulls out a vacuum cleaner like device and starts sucking at a hole in the floor, while action music starts playing.]
Rita: Oh, you guys watching ARGGH!? Fun, but how can you even hear it?
[Rita maximizes the volume, causing Lincoln and Lisa to cover their ears.]
Lisa: [Over the loud music] MOTHER! THAT'S TOO LOUD! IT'S AGGRAVATING MY TINNITUS!
[Rita places earphones on Lisa and goes into her room, she gives Lynn Sr. a thumbs up and the two strap on their goggles, Lynn Sr. takes a crowbar, hands Rita a sledge hammer, and the two start ripping out the back wall of their closet.]
[Later, Lynn Sr. comes out of the closet stuffing the debris into his pants, he awkwardly walks out of the room, through the kitchen, and into Lynn Jr.]
Lynn: Hey, Dad. [Lynn Sr. shrieks in surprise, sees the debris starting to drop, and readjusts it, much to Lynn Jr.'s confusion.] Are you okay?
Lynn Sr.: Oh, yeah, just a little stiff in the joints, [readjusts the rubble] not gettin' any younger.
[Awkwardly smiles, but Lynn Jr. gets what he's implying.]
Lynn: You just need an adjustment.[cracking her knuckles] Come here.
Lynn Sr.: No, no, no, no, no, no, no, I can, uh, I can walk it off.
[Starts awkwardly walking out the backdoor. Once he's out, he lets out a sigh of relief, buries the debris, pulls some piping out of the van, lets out another sigh of relief, and walks back into the kitchen, his pants are even bulkier than before. He and Lynn Jr. exchange awkward glances, and he awkwardly starts walking back to his room, pipes clanging, much to Lynn Jr.'s concern.]
Lynn: Dad, it sounds like you're getting worse, you gotta let me help you.
Lynn Sr. Na, no, no, no, no, I'm just dehydrated. [Drinks out of the flowerpot on the table, scoffs the flowers down with it, causing him to choke a little.] Y'see, much better.
[Awkwardly walks back to his room, much to Lynn Jr.'s confusion and disturbance.]
[Later that night, Luna is in her bed, snoring away, when her father comes in, with his cowbell in his hand.]
Lynn Sr.: Hey, Lunes. Let’s jamma-lamma-ding-dong!
[Starts playing, Luna wakes up, not in the mood for a jam session.]
Luna: Pops, I'm trying to catch some Z's, I got school tomorrow.
[Lies back down and tries to go back to sleep.]
Lynn Sr.: Come on, which is more important? School, or rock and roll?
Luna: [Waking back up, now interested.] Well, when you put it that way.
[Takes her axe from her father, jumps down from her bed, and the two start rocking out. Something Luna's roommate is not too happy about.]
Luan: [Wakes up, flabbergasted] Have you guys lost your minds?!
[Meanwhile, down in the parents’ bedroom, Rita hears the noise, and starts readjusting the pipes.]
[Later, Lola comes downstairs, timid, and knocks on her parents' door.]
Lola: Mommy, Daddy, I had a nightmare, I wanna sleep in your bed.
[Rita and Lynn Sr. are carrying a toilet, and wearing head lamps, they grow nervous.]
Rita: What do we do?
Lynn Sr.: I got this. [They put the toilet down and Lynn Sr. jumps out the window.] I'm okay.
Lola: [Impatient] Let me in! What are you doing in there?
Lynn Sr.: [From behind Lola] Hey, [Lola jumps and screams] you need to sleep in your own bed, honey.
Lola: [Confused and scared] How did you get out here? [Suspiciously] And why are you wearing that weird hat?
Lynn Sr.: Shh, it's all a dream.
[Lynn Sr. drags Lola back to her bed, while she is even more confused.]
[The next day, two vans and a pick up truck are parked outside the Loud House, five workers are inside.]
Rita: Okay, guys, let's go through this one more time, Sammie and Whitney, you need to finish the plumbing hook up so Kevin can close up the wall, Mike, you tie in to the junction box while Karla primes the ceiling. [Karla gestures in agreement] Everybody good?
[Everybody nods, but suddenly, a few complications arise.]
Lincoln [From outside] I call the T.V. remote.
Lana: [Also from outside] No way!
Lola: [From outside] Me!
Lynn Sr.: Ah! The kids.
Lisa: [As she, Lincoln, Lucy, Lana, and Lola walk in.] No, I call dibs on the remote.
[They notice something odd. Rita, Lynn Sr. and the five workers on the floor, reading.]
Lynn Sr.: [Looks up from his book] Kids, hey, what are you doing home from school so early?
Lincoln: [Annoyed] Ask Lisa.
Lisa: [Scoffs] One little nuclear accident and everybody over reacts.
Lana: What's going on here?
Rita: [Nervous] It's our, uh, uh, new book club.
Lisa: [Looking at the book her father is reading.] The Itsy Bitsy Spider? What's to discuss about a spider who's washed down a spout then goes back up again?
Lynn Sr.: Shh! Lisa, spoiler.
[Later that night]
Lynn Sr.: I can't believe we pulled this off.
Rita: Me neither.
[Rita turns the tub on, and lets her bubble bath fill, Lynn Sr. brushes his teeth, Rita files her nails, and Lynn Sr. does a crossword puzzle while Rita takes her bath.]
Rita: [Relaxed sigh] No filthy bathtub ring, no banging on the door. [sinks lower] This must be what heaven is like.
Lynn Sr.: I'm doing a crossword puzzle, on the toilet, just ‘cause I can, I am so glad we did this.
Rita: Me too, honey, and it's all ours.
[They smile at each other.]
[The next day, everyone's getting ready for school.]
Lynn Sr.: Come on, kids! We're running late!
Rita: [At the door handing out lunches] Everybody out! Let's go! Let's go!
[Realizes she's out of lunches. Everyone loads up in Vanzilla, Lynn Sr. looks in the mirror and realizes something.]
Lynn Sr.: Wait a minute, where's Lana?
Lori: I'll get her.
[Leaves Vanzilla, and goes back into the house to find Lana digging through the couch.]
Lana: Ugh, where'd it go?
Lori: Lana, What are you doing?
Lana: I can't find my lucky chicken bone.
Lori: A. That's literally gross. B. You're gonna make everyone late.
[Lori drags, a very sad Lana, out the door. Once Charles wakes up and sees that they're gone, he breaks into the parents' secret bathroom, and regurgitates Lana's chicken bone onto the carpet.]
[Later, Rita is in the secret bathroom.]
Rita: Dr. Feinstein gave us new toothbrushes as a bathroom warming present, wasn't that thoughtful.
Lynn Sr.: [Acknowledging Rita's tone of voice] Honey, secret bathroom voice.
Rita: Oh, right. [Drops the toothbrush] Whoops. [Bends over to pick it up, but suddenly sees Lana's lucky chicken bone] Lynn.
Lynn Sr.: [Pops in] What's wrong?
Rita: Look what I found on the floor, Lana's lucky chicken bone.
Lynn Sr.: A. That's gross. B. It means they're on to us, they've been sneaking in here behind our backs.
Rita: Fine, our secret bathroom may not be a secret anymore, but it's still ours, we'll just have to lay down the law with them.
Lynn Sr.: Absolutely. [They picture it going down] Sorry, guys, but you just can't use the new--
[Before he can finish, the kids trample them, rampage into the new bathroom, and start fighting, Lisa getting thrown out. End of fantasy.]
Rita: On second thought.
Lynn Sr.: Yeah, I've got a better idea, security measures. [Later, Lynn Sr. is installing a lock on the door.] That'll show those little sneaks. [Right before he closes the door, Cliff hops in, hides behind the toilet, looks around, and starts playing with the toilet paper roll. Later, Lynn Sr. returns, and gasps.] Rita! [As his wife shows up] Look at this.
Rita: Must be Lynn, she's always way to aggressive with the roll. [Cliff sneaks out] But how did she get in?
Lynn Sr. These kids are like master safe crackers, what was I thinking, just using one lock?
[The next day, he is closing the extra locks they installed.]
Lincoln: [From outside the room] Dad, we're gonna be late for school.
Lynn Sr.: [Nervously stutters] Just a second, buddy. [Closes the last lock] Let's see 'em get past that.
[Walks away. Meanwhile, in the twins' bedroom, Hops is trying to catch a fly, he grapples himself into the vents, which leads into the parents' secret bathroom, he falls in the toilet, leaving a ring of water, the fly heads back into the vents with Hops in pursuit, leaving the ring of water for the parents to find later.]
Rita: Dang it.
Lynn Sr.: [Appalled] Lincoln. That kid always forgets to put the seat up.
Rita: [Ready to throw in the towel.] Let's face it, honey, they win.
Lynn Sr.: [Determined] No way.
Rita: What else can we do? Your security measures obviously aren't working.
Lynn Sr.: Maybe not, but I'm just getting started. [Later, Lynn Sr. is showing Rita his newest security measures.] There is no way they can get past this, surveillance camera, motion sensor, and check this out. [presses a remote, activating a laser field.] Lasers, Rita, lasers, and just in case they do get in, [presses part of the wall on the inside of the bathroom, revealing a security panel.] I've installed a security panel on the inside.
[Activates the panel]
Electronic Voice: System lock, engaged.
Lynn Sr.: So they won't get out.
Rita: [Pumped] We'll catch 'em with their pants down. [realizes what she just said] So to speak.
[They maniacally start laughing, and high five each other.]
[Later that evening, Lynn Sr. is shaving, while Rita takes a shower.]
Lynn Sr.: How's the water pressure, honey?
Rita: Great, I'm loving waterfall mode.
[Lynn Sr. wipes off the shaving gel, and attempts to leave, forgetting that the door is locked.]
Lynn Sr.: Whoops, forgot about my kid trap. [Punches some numbers into the keypad, but the panel returns "ERROR INCORRECT".] Uh, hon, do you remember the door code?
Rita: [Pops her head out of the shower.] Uh, Uh-uh, you said it was one of the kids’ birthdays.
Lynn Sr.: I know, but, but which kid? [Punches in more codes, only for the panel to return another message, which Lynn Sr. reads out loud.] "To many password attempts, access blocked"? Rita, I need your help, I think I locked us in.
Rita: What? Hold on. [Attempts to turn the shower off, only for the handle to break off, increasing the water flow.] Uh, Lynn?
[Water starts flowing out of the tub, filling up the room, Rita puts her robe on and joins Lynn Sr.]
Lynn Sr.: Wow, you weren't kidding about that water pressure.
Rita: [Pulling out a toothbrush] Maybe I can pry the door open with this toothbrush. [Tries, but the brush breaks, much to Rita's aggravation.] Oh, thanks for nothing, Feinstein! [Lynn Sr. tries the vents] Honey, wait, don't forget we wired the vents.
[Lynn Sr. gets electrocuted and falls into the water, he pops back up.]
Lynn Sr.: Dang it, forget about that security measure.
Rita: What are we gonna do?!
[Realizing that they're only other option was drowning.]
Lynn Sr.: [In union with Rita] Lori! Lisa!
Rita: [In union with Lynn Sr.] Help!
[Cut to the kids waiting in line for the upstairs bathroom.]
Lynn Sr.: [From downstairs] Help!
[Everyone hears this.]
Lori: [Confused] What's going on?
Rita: [From downstairs] Help!
[Everyone races downstairs, Lana comes out of the bathroom, with toilet paper stuck to her shoe, grabs Lily, and follows the others, they enter their parents' bedroom, and find it empty.]
Luna: Mom? Pops?
Rita: [From inside the closet] Help, we're locked in.
Lincoln: [Confused, as are the rest of his sisters] What are you doing in your closet?
Luan: Probably just hangin'.
[Laughs, and Lisa grows suspicious.]
Lisa: Uh, why the preponderance of security devices?
Lynn Sr.: Never mind that. Just get us out. Break the door down if you have to.
Lynn: Now you're talkin'. [Runs out, grabs the hat stand, while her siblings get out of the way.] Gangway! For honor! [Lets out a war cry as she battering rams the door, which breaks open, Rita and Lynn Sr. flowing out with the water.]
Lori: [Slightly repulsed] Why is there water in your closet?
Leni: [Looking into the closet, and following up on what Lori was asking.] Why is there a bathroom in your closet?
[The other siblings look, and see the secret bathroom, and the parents realize something.]
Lynn Sr.: Uh, you, you didn't know about it?
[The kids confirm that they didn't.]
Lola: Uh, care to explain?
Rita: We didn't want to wait in line anymore, so we built our own bathroom and we kept it a secret from you guys, which was wrong.
Lynn Sr.: Yeah, we're always telling you kids to be patient and wait your turn, and here we cheated the system and put ourselves first. [lets out a deep sigh] We're really sorry.
Rita: To make it up to you, you guys can use the new bathroom, anytime.
Luan: [Taking a second look] Too bad there isn't much of a bathroom to use anymore.
Lana: [Checking out the damage] Nah, you can fix it, you just need a new subfloor and retiling. [Something falls] And a total re-pipe.
Lynn Sr.: Uh, there's no money left, I spent it all on the security system.
[He and Rita look very sad.]
Leni: Don't be sad, you can still share the upstairs bathroom with us, right guys?
[They all nod in agreement, Rita and Lynn Sr. look at each other.]
Lynn Sr.: Even if we are going back to one bathroom, we sure have some ding dang terrific kids.
[The next morning, Rita and Lynn Sr. are racing up the stairs again.]
Rita: Fish market emergency?
Lynn Sr.: Nope, I just really have to go.
[Beats her up the stairs only to see the line.]
Lynn: Hey, Pops.
Lynn Sr.: [Panicky] Ah! There's no time! [Desperately tries to hold it, but in the end, he can't take it and runs into Lana's room.] Lana, where's Old Sloshie?!
[Rita looks on with concern.]
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