The following is a transcript for the episode "Picture Perfect".
Lincoln: [to the viewers while making something] "The key to the perfect anniversary present for your parents is simple: know your audience. And since my folks love what I bring to the table, I make them the same thing every year: this awesome coffee mug!" [raises a "coffee mug" which doesn't look complete]
Lori: "Coffee mug? I thought it was a paperweight."
Lynn: "Paperweight? That thing is definitely a pencil holder."
Lisa: "Negatory. Clearly it's a bust of German philosopher Immanuel Kant."
Luan: [in her gag glasses] "I Kant even tell what it is!" [laughs; All the other sisters walk in the scene to their brother]
Lola: "Clearly no one can figure out what that thing is. No wonder Mom and Dad just throw all your old gifts in the attic."
[The girls gasp at what Lola just said and Luna shuts her up]
Lincoln: [flabbergasted] "WHAT?!"
[The attic. Lincoln is looking around for evidence of what Lola just said.]
Lincoln: "Lola must've been messing around with me. Mom and Dad love my paperweights. I mean, coffee mugs." [notices a box] "What's this? "DO NOT OPEN!" Okay." [opens it and finds that Lola was telling the truth and gasps] "It's true...Mom and Dad do hate my gifts!"
[Luna and Lucy are looking at the mug Lincoln worked so hard on]
Luna: "If you turn your head to the side and squint, it almost looks like Aunt Shirley."
[An image of Aunt Shirley shows up and a scream of horror is heard upon her appearance.]
Lucy: "Or an inflamed liver."
Lori: "When he's this pathetic, it takes all the joy out of making fun of him."
Lincoln: [insulted] "I CAN HEAR YOU!"
Sisters: "WE KNOW!"
[Lincoln facepalms in anger]
Lincoln: "Mom and Dad's anniversary is tomorrow. What am I gonna do?"
[He sits down on a box that causes a flash to occur. He examines it and finds Dad's old camera and finds out there's still some film in it.]
Lincoln: "Oh, I think an idea's developing!" [walks backwards and falls down the stairs] "I've figured out the perfect present for Mom and Dad!" [holds up camera] "Ta-da!"
Lana: "You're giving them Dad's old camera?"
Lola: "Wow! You are cheap."
Lincoln: "No! Not the camera. A photograph of all of us!"
Lori: "Why use that old thing when you can just use a cellphone?" [holds up her phone]
Lincoln: [defensively] "Because that would be like painting the Mona Lisa with a crayon."
Lori: "Wow. This may be the year you don't fail miserably and crush Mom and Dad's souls."
Lincoln: [sarcastically] "Thank you for the vote of confidence." [confidently] "Everyone, to the backyard!"
[They head on out]
[The backyard. Lincoln is focusing the camera to make sure everyone, kids and pets, stays perfectly in the frame.]
Lincoln: "Okay, that's it. Leni, scooch to the left." [Leni moves to her right which is Lincoln's left] "Your other left." [Leni gets it right] "Perfect! Someone grab Lily." [Lucy grabs her and puts her back in the frame] "Thank you. Good. Just gotta set the timer, and..." [sets it and joins the others in the shot] "Everybody, say cheese!"
Loud Kids: [while holding big smiles] "Cheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee..."
[The camera still hasn't gone off]
Lynn: [holding her smile] "When is it gonna flash? My jaw's cramping up!"
Loud Kids: "...eeeeeeeeeeeeee..."
Lincoln: [holding his smile] "Give it a second!"
Loud Kids: "...eeeeeeee..."
Lori: [gives up] "Yeah, I knew he'd blow it." [gets out her phone] "Let's do selfies instead."
Leni: [gets out hers] "Totes!"
Lincoln: "No, wait!"
[Lori and Leni take a selfie with Lincoln getting caught by the flash and feeling dazed from it]
Luan: "I nose just what this picture needs." [puts on her gag glasses and laughs]
Lincoln: "Come on, Luan. You can't wear those in the photo."
Luan: "Oh, don't be such a Groucho." [laughs and squeaks a squeaky cigar]
Luna: [with her guitar] "What this photo needs are some tunes."
Lincoln: "No, no, no, no, no. Photographs don't have-"
[Luna plays a loud chord and blows Lincoln away]
Lincoln: "-SOUND!" [thuds]
Lola: "You're ruining the picture! Maybe you should take off that gross hat."
Lana: "Maybe you should take off that gross face!"
[Lana throws mud at her but Lola ducks and the mud hits Lincoln instead]
Lincoln: [seeing a naked Lily] "Lily! Where is your diaper!"
[The photo shoot goes out of control with the girls and pets being themselves]
Lincoln: "GUYS, PLEASE! CAN WE ALL JUST SETTLE DOWN?!"
[The camera takes the picture]
[Lincoln is looking at the photo that was taken with worry]
Lincoln: "Look at us. We're like a vision of insanity. I can't give this to Mom and Dad." [holds up the coffee mug] "That's worse than Aunt Shirley. Argh! I mean, my coffee mug! I gotta give them a better picture." [gets an idea] "The perfect picture! Time for a do-over."
[Lola and Lana's room. Lola has worked on her face]
Lola: "Mirror, mirror in my hand. Who's the prettiest in the land?"
[Lana emerges from their closet covered in mud]
Lana: "Not you, once Mudzilla gets a hold of you!"
[Lana roars and Lola reviles in horror. Lincoln sprays Lana with the hose]
Lana: [coughs] "Hey! You washed off my mud!"
Lola: "Ha ha! You got spray-"
[Lincoln sprays her too]
Lola: "Hey! You washed off my makeup!"
Lincoln: "Good news, guys! We're taking another family photo!"
Twins: "But we already did one!"
[Lincoln ties up them with the hose and drags them back into the backyard]
Lincoln: "Stay right here. And no more mud or makeup."
Lincoln: "Thank you for understanding."
[The twins pout. Lincoln is talking to Lily]
Lincoln: "Look. I'm all about self-expression, but this new picture needs to be perfect, so I'm gonna need you to keep your diaper on." [Lily babbles] "Thanks for understanding." [puts her diaper on]
Lily: [takes off diaper and throws it at Lincoln] "Poo-poo." [toddles around]
Lincoln: "Let's just put a pin in this for now..."
[Lisa is working on her studies]
Lisa: "If the hypotenuse of a right triangle is the mean proportional between segments, then-"
Lincoln: "Hey, Lisa! We're doing another family picture. How about we lose the glasses and do something with your hair?" [fixes up Lisa's hair in different styles such as a shaggy wild do, an afro, and even a horned style until he settles on her normal style] "Or just lose the glasses." [takes her glasses]
Lisa: [blind] "But, Lincoln, my astigmatism!" [falls down the stairs] "It's okay! It's just a hairline fracture!"
Leni: "Did I hear we're taking more photos? Yay!" [her shades drop over her eyes] "Uh-oh. Guess we'll have to wait till after the solar eclipse."
[Lincoln just looks exasperated and removes her shades]
Leni: "Whoa. You're like a wizard. Or a weatherman."
[Lincoln gets an idea of switching the glasses around and gives Leni Lisa's glasses]
Lincoln: "Maybe you should wear these for the picture, Leni. They make you look...um...even smarter than you already are."
Leni: [blind] "Wow! Thanks!" [falls down the stairs] "I'm alright! I landed on Lisa!"
Lisa: "Okay, now it's a break!"
[Lincoln facepalms and drags the two blind opposite minded sisters to the retake]
Lincoln: "Okay, just stay here." [heads off]
Lincoln: "Here's some ice packs and a bandage!" [tosses them to his blind sisters who are still waiting, unaware of that]
Leni & Lisa: "Okay! Throw them!"
[Lucy and Lynn's room]
Lincoln: "Okay, guys, time to take a new picture."
Lynn: "A new picture? No way."
[Lincoln grabs her football and she starts acting like an eager dog]
Lincoln: "You ready, Lynn? Fetch, girl!"
[Lynn runs on all fours out to the retake. Lincoln tosses her the ball and she catches it in her mouth]
Lincoln: "Good, Lynn! Now stay!"
[He grabs Lucy's macabre book and holds it with her, escorting her to the retake]
Lucy: [unaware of her surroundings] "When did we get grass in our bedroom?"
[Luna and Luan's room]
Lincoln: "Time to take a new picture!"
Luna: "Sweet! Let me just grab my axe."
Luan: "And I'll get my funny nose and glasses."
[However, they find out that their items are gone]
Luna: "Dudes! Where's my axe?"
Luan: "And where are my glasses?"
Lincoln: "Uh...silly props are not going to be in this picture. You'll get them back after we get the shot."
Luna: "You took our stuff?"
Luan: "Then we're not gonna be in your picture!"
Lincoln: "Hmm...sure would be a shame if something happened to your things."
[Luna and Luan strike shocked poses and head to the retake in those exact same poses]
Luna: "This picture thing has changed you, dude."
Lori: "Which is exactly why I'm not going to be in it."
Lincoln: "Which is exactly why I took the liberty of replacing you."
Lori: [angered] "You what?!"
[The doorbell rings and Lincoln answers it. There's a girl who looks kinda like Lori in a way at the door]
Lincoln: [smugly] "Oh, Lori. I believe you know Carol Pingrey. Didn't she beat you out for homecoming queen?"
[Lori slams the door on Carol]
Lori: [reluctantly] "Let's get this over with."
[The retake. The girls are not happy about going through with this.]
Lincoln: "Okay, everyone excited? So am I!" [notices Lily wandering around naked] "Ah! There you are!" [picks her up and tapes her diaper tight] "You aren't getting that diaper off now! Okay, pets, move on in!"
[Enter the reluctant pets]
Lincoln: "Okay, almost there. Just a few more fixes." [takes out a package of marshmallows and takes out two of them] "Open up!"
[Lola opens her mouth and Lincoln puts them in the gap where her two front teeth would be]
Lincoln: "You too!"
[Lincoln does the same to Lana as he did to Lola. The twins notice how ridiculous they look with these fillings.]
Twins: [with a lisp] "You look thilly!"
[Lincoln puts a pacifier with a big smile print onto Lily's mouth]
Lincoln: [coaxing Lynn] "Okay, give it here, girl."
[Lynn growls in refusal and Lincoln gives her the "drop it" command and she acquiesces. He then looks at Luna's hair]
Luna: [bitterly] "What?"
Lincoln: "That hair."
Luna: "What about it?"
[Lincoln puts a big long wild wig on her]
Luna: "But this hair isn't me, dude!"
Leni: "And this glasses isn't I, either."
Lincoln: "Trust me. You guys look great. Okay, Lucy, I'm gonna need you to smile."
Lucy: "I can't see that happening."
Lisa: "I can't see anything happening!"
Lincoln: [coaxing Lucy] "You know, some folks think taking someone's picture actually steals their soul."
Lincoln: "Yeah! Just think of it. Your soul trapped and tormented inside a camera for all eternity."
[Lucy gives a small smirk]
Lincoln: "Close enough. Okay, I think we're ready." [checks] "Hmm...still needs something to pull it all together. I know!"
[Everyone is now wearing matching sweaters]
Lincoln: "Now this is a perfect picture."
Lori: "What was wrong with the other one?"
Lincoln: [nervous] "Oh, well, uh...it was kinda...you guys were a little..."
Lori: [curiously irked] "A little what, Lincoln?"
[The girls are offended by that reason and chastise Lincoln for it]
Lori: "So, that's what this is all about! You don't like us the way we are."
Lincoln: [with his tongue tied] "Well, I-you see, that is to say-I, uh..."
Lori: [spiteful] "Okay, guys, let's all put on perfect smiles for Lincoln's perfect picture, because heaven forbid we be our ACTUAL, LITERAL SELVES!!"
[The girls put on the supposed smiles Lincoln wanted]
Lincoln: [talking over their cheese saying] "Lori, I didn't mean..." [takes a look at their smiles] "Actually, that's pretty perfect."
[They all hold their smiles and the photo is taken]
Lincoln: "Thanks so much, guys! I really appreciate your-" [sees that his sisters and pets are gone] "Guys? Guys? Huh. Guess they must have had something else to do."
[Lincoln has gotten the photo framed]
Lincoln: "My days of giving lame anniversary presents are over." [notices his sisters tossed all their matching sweaters in the trash but focuses on the photo] "Mom and Dad are gonna love this! Look at us. We're like a vision of perfection."
Lola: [having fixed herself up] "Mirror, mirror in my hand. Who's the prettiest in the land?"
Lana: [covered in mud once again] "Not you, after the mud monster gets you!"
[Lana roars and Lola screams. But rather than picking on each other, they're treating it like a game. Lincoln looks on and sees how much fun they're having and takes a look at their smiles in the perfect photo.]
Lincoln: [goes inside] "Hey, guys! I got the picture framed!" [sees Lucy reading her macabre book and looks at her smile in the photo]
[Luan and Lily are playing and laughing together. Lincoln sees them and reflects upon their smiles in the photo. He then sees Luna rocking out and looks back on her smile and wig in the photo. Lisa is continuing her studies]
Lisa: "Computing of the original formulation. Okay, parameters..."
[Lincoln sees her studying and recalls how he made her smile and wear Leni's shades. Leni and Lori are taking selfies together and giggling with joy. Lincoln remembers how he made Leni wear Lisa's glasses and what Lori said to him and how she got everyone to wear the fake smiles. Seeing his sisters being happy to be themselves causes him to rethink his decision on the so-called perfect picture.]
[It's their parents' anniversary]
Loud Kids: "HAPPY ANNIVERSARY!!!"
Rita: "Thanks, kids."
Lynn Sr.: "Ooh. Whose present should we open first?"
[The girls and Charles resent this. Lincoln hands his parents his present.]
Lori: [sarcastic] "Oh, come on, girls. Let's all let Lincoln give his perfect little present."
Luan: [just as sarcastic] "Yeah. I sure hope it's perfect enough."
[It turns out Lincoln gave his parents the picture from the first take where his sisters are being themselves]
Rita: "Oh, Lincoln, this is wonderful! It's the best gift we've ever gotten."
Lynn Sr.: "It's going above the mantle right now." [places it there]
[The girls are confused and unhappy with Lincoln's last-minute decision]
Lola: "Lincoln, you bonehead! You gave them the wrong picture!"
Lori: "Yep! I knew you'd blow this, too."
Lincoln: "No, I gave them the right one. The one that shows the real you. The perfect you.
[The girls embrace Lincoln in gratitude and happiness]
Girls: "Aww! Thank you, Lincoln!"
Lincoln: "By the way, you might all wanna put your presents for Mom and Dad in here." [shows them the box the discarded coffee mugs were once in] "Since they'll all look super lame next to my awesome gift!"
[The girls are taken aback by that comment and start arguing with him, which puts a smile on his face]
Lincoln: "Just perfect."
Lily: [throws her diaper at Lincoln] "Poo-poo."
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