The following is a transcript for the episode "One of the Boys".
[Lola is having a tea party on the lawn. Lincoln is looking at food in the refrigerator.]
Lincoln: "Okay, let's see what we got." [he begins rummages through the fridge] "Kale...tofu.."quin-o-ah"?"
Clyde: "I think it's called quinoa."
[Lincoln tastes the quinoa and immediately spits it up.]
Lincoln: "I'd call it quin-blah! All this rabbit food can only mean one thing: Lori's on another health food kick."
[Clyde sighs and thinks about Lori wearing a bikini and walking on the beach.]
Clyde: "No wonder her skin glows like a Caribbean sunset..."
Lincoln: "Are you picturing her on the beach again?!"
Clyde: "Uh, no!!" [pops his thought bubble and grins sheepishly.]
[Lincoln finds a jar of peanut butter in the back of the fridge.]
Lincoln: "Ooh, peanut butter! Now we're talkin'!" [He scoops up the peanut butter with his fingers and messily eats it.]
[Lola enters the kitchen to put her tea party cups away and notices Lincoln eating the peanut butter.]
Lola: "Ewww, Lincoln! Have a little class!" [She exits the kitchen, disgusted.]
[Luan enters the kitchen with her dummy Mr. Coconuts performing a ventriloquist act.]
Luan: [Speaking as Mr. Coconuts] "That's all for sports, and now the weather."
[Lincoln belches as she's talking.]
Luan: [Still speaking as Mr. Coconuts] "It's cloudy with a chance of..." [she speaks as herself now] "You're disgusting."
[Luan exits the room]
Lincoln: [sighs] "My whole life is like this."
Clyde: "What are you talking about, Lincoln?! You got it made; one guy surrounded by ten awesome sisters!"
Lincoln: "Oh, Clyde. Sweet, innocent Clyde."
[Several flashbacks of his sisters causing him dismay.]
[The scene begins with all the girls waiting in line for the bathroom. The line moves slowly as Lincoln gets more and more impatient. It is now Lincoln's turn to use the bathroom.]
Lincoln: "Finally!" [he enters the bathroom, but quickly runs out.] "Gah! Forgot my loofah!"
[Lincoln returns to the bathroom only to see another long line has already formed since he left.]
Lincoln: "Dang it!!"
[The second flashback begins. It starts with Lincoln walking down the stairs.]
Lincoln: [calling out] "Mom! I'm off to see Ronnie Anne!"
[His sisters ambush him after hearing he's going to see Ronnie Anne.]
Sisters: "You're meeting Ronnie Anne?!"
[They all crowd him and talk over each other, grooming him while telling him what he should do before meeting her.]
Lana: "In that shirt?!"
Lynn: "Ho ho! You call that posture?!"
Leni: "And what about your hair?!"
Lori: "Are you wearing clean underwear?"
[The third flashback plays; the kids are having a sibling meeting in Lori and Leni's room.]
Lori: "Okay people, I'm accepting ideas on how we should spend the day."
Lincoln: [raising his hand] "Ooh, ooh!! We could go to DairyLand!!"
Sisters: [All make a buzzer noise and give him a thumbs down.]
Lincoln: "Okay... How 'bout Gus' Games and Grub!"
[His sisters do the same thing as before and make a buzzer noise and give him a thumbs down.]
Lincoln: "How about-"
[The girls do the exact same thing a third time before he could suggest somewhere else.]
Lori: "I know some place we'd all like!"
[The scene then cuts to all the sisters having a good time at the mall while Lincoln sits on a bench - alone and angry.]
[The fourth and final flashback begins, in this one Lincoln is sitting on his bed, playing a handheld video game.]
Lincoln: "Ow, ow, ow!! Thumb cramp!!!"
[His sisters all barge into his room.]
Sisters: "Awwww, poor Linky!!"
Lori: "Oh, here's Bun-Bun!" [she offers him his stuffed rabbit.]
Leni: [holding Lily] "Let Lily kiss your boo-boo better!!"
Lola and Lana: [unrolling bandages] "Gauze! Stat!"
Lisa: [She runs into the room with an AED.] "Clear!!"
[She shocks Lincoln as the camera pans out of his room and his scream can be heard.]
[The scene returns where Clyde and Lincoln are together in the kitchen.]
Clyde: "Hm, I see your point"
Lincoln: "I tell you, Clyde, sometimes I wish I had ten brothers." [he continues eating the peanut butter as he was before.]
[Lisa enters the kitchen and snatches the peanut butter away from him.]
Lisa: "And I wish you would not eat our communal peanut butter with your booger-picking finger!"
Lincoln: "See what I mean?"
Lisa: [in contemplation] "Hmmm..."
[That night, Lincoln is sound asleep when a shadow casts over him. He wakes up to find that it's Lisa. He yelps at her sudden presence and grabs the light chain, turning on the light.]
Lisa: "I've been pondering your wish from earlier."
Lincoln: "My wish?"
Lisa: "Yes. I think I can help you out." [pulls out some kind of wristwatch] "This wristwatch can transport you to an alternate dimension in which you'll have ten brothers."
Lincoln: [sarcastic] "Riiiiiight..." [gets down from chain] "Lisa, I think you've been playing with too many kiddie chemicals."
[Lisa presses the button on the watch and a portal opens up.]
Lincoln: [surprised] "Holy moly! Awesome!" [proceeds to enter it, but stops] "Wait. Why are you doing this for me?"
Lisa: "I need beta testers. Now, are we doing this, or am I sending Lana to a dimension where she's a toad?"
Lincoln: "Oh, we're doing it!"
Lisa: "One word of caution: you only have 24 hours to return home. Otherwise, you'll be stuck there forever."
Lincoln: "Got it!" [grabs the watch and puts it on] "Let's do this!"
[A timer starts ticking down from the 24 hour limit.]
Lisa: "Good luck. I gotta go break the bad news to Lana."
[Lisa pushes Lincoln into the vortex as he screams.]
[Lincoln comes out on the other end of the portal and it closes. Everything looks the same.]
Lincoln: "Hmm...this doesn't look like a different dimension."
[Just then, a male version of Lori comes out texting on his phone.]
Loki: "That is literally LOL! Hurry up, Loni! Time to go!"
[Loni, the male version of Leni, walks into the doorway.]
Loni: "Ooh! Whoa. Loki, who moved the doorway?"
[Enter a male version of Luna.]
Luke: "I'm ready, brah!" [strums his guitar; in a British accent] "Let's rock!"
[Enter a male version of Luan and a female version of Mr. Coconuts.]
Lane: [speaking as his dummy] "I wooden miss it!" [speaking as himself now and giggling] "Good one, Mrs. Coconuts!"
[The four boys head downstairs much to Lincoln's bewilderment. Enter a male version of Lynn.]
Boy Lynn: [carrying a football] "62! Hut!"
[He is followed by a male version of Lucy.]
Lars: "Sigh." [closes door]
[Enter a male version of Lana with a frog as a horn blares at him.]
Leif: "Quit honking, Lexx, or you'll get a frog down your pants!"
[Lexx, the male version of Lola, is driving what looks like Lola's car only stylized as a military jeep with an angry face painted on it.]
Lexx: "Touch me, and I'm telling!" [honks] "MOM!"
[The male twins start fighting. Enter a male version of Lisa.]
Levi: "Can you Cro-Magnons diminish the cacophony so our youngest sibling can suspend consciousness?"
[A male version of Lily cries.]
Twins: "Speak English, Levi!"
Levi: "Shut your pie-holes so Leon can nap!"
[Lincoln, still bewildered, looks at the watch and realizes that it worked.]
Lincoln: "Holy moly!"
[The remaining brothers head downstairs.]
Levi: "Will you be joining us, Lincoln?"
Lincoln: [disgusted] "Ugh. Where are we going? The mall?"
[All scoff and laugh]
Boy Lynn: "Yeah, right."
Loki: "You're literally hilarious, Lincoln! We're going to Dairyland. It was your idea."
Lincoln: "Sweet! My sisters would never all wanna go to Dairyland!"
Loni: [walks into the front doorway; confused] "Sisters?"
Lincoln: "Uh...you know, the nuns. They hate amusement parks." [laughs nervously and follows the rest of his brothers to the van.]
[Loni shrugs and closes the door on his way out.]
[The van drives across Royal Woods while the boys are cheering.]
Loki: "Yes! Dairyland was awesome!"
Lane: "Great idea, Lincoln."
Luke: "Yeah, way to go, bro."
Brothers: "You're the man, Lincoln!"
Lincoln: [belches] "Whoops. Sorry."
Boy Lynn: "You should be sorry, 'cause that was weak!" [makes a bigger belch]
Leif: "Ha. That was nothing. Check this." [farts with armpit]
Loki: "Oh, yeah? Well, nothing beats the real thing." [farts for real]
[The boys cheer Loki on and stop at Gus' Games N' Grub.]
Loki: "Chow time, boys."
Lincoln: "Gus's Games N' Grub? No way!" [rushes inside]
[Five pizzas are put on their table.]
Loki: "Five pies for ten guys!"
Lane: "I sure hope Mom and Dad gave us enough dough!" [laughs] "Get it?"
[Lincoln picks up a slice, but realizes what he's touching it with.]
Lincoln: [bummed] "Sorry, I'm touching the pizza with my booger-picking finger."
Leif: "Are you kidding me? You use your finger for your booger picking? I use my thumb!" [puts thumb in nostril]
[The boys all tell Lincoln what they pick their boogers with, each with a different part of their hands...or their feet, which makes him happy. Later, they arrive home where this dimension's Rita, wearing Lynn Sr.'s clothes, is taking out the trash with Leon.]
Alt. Rita: "There's my army. How was Dairyland?"
Loki: [kisses his mom] "It was awesome!"
Boy Lynn: [kisses her] "Hi, Mom!"
Leif: [kisses her and belches] "Bye, Mom!"
[The boys head inside while this dimension's Lynn Sr., wearing Rita's clothes, is getting out the second garbage can.]
Alt. Lynn Sr.: "Hey, boys!"
Leif: "PILE ON DAD!"
[Lynn Sr. screams and is pounced by Leif with his sons joining in on the fun.]
Levi: "We got you!"
Lars: "Say uncle."
Loni: "I thought he was our dad."
Alt. Lynn Sr.: [begging for mercy] "UNCLE!"
[The boys cheer and run off]
Alt. Lynn Sr.: [groaning in pain] "Sometimes, I wonder what it would be like to have daughters."
[Lincoln looks at how much time is left.]
Lincoln: "Only 12 more hours. I wish this didn't have to end." [inspired] "Wait. Why does it have to? What if I didn't go back?" [Runs upstairs where his brothers are playing Hockey in the hallway and tosses the wristwatch in the wastebasket.] "Guys, guess what? I'm staying!"
[The boys look on puzzled]
[Male Lynn belches]
Lincoln: "Hang on, bros! Let me grab my Hockey stick!"
[He runs into where his room would but crashes into a shelf where it's revealed that in this dimension, the linen closet is still a linen closet.]
Lincoln: "Uh, hey..." [Sees them charging and gets out of the way.] "Lynn! Heh...where's my room?"
Boy Lynn: "Right where it always is, weirdo."
[It turns out Lincoln bunks with Male Lynn and Lars. He shares a bunk bed with Male Lynn and Lars sleeps in a vampire coffin.]
Lincoln: "Three of us live in here?"
[Lars rises from out of his coffin.]
Boy Lynn: "Where else would we sleep? The linen closet?" [laughs]
Lincoln: [checking his top bunk] "Hey, where's Bun-Bun?"
Lars: "Luke flushed him."
Boy Lynn: "Lars gave him a very dignified funeral."
Lars: "Thank you."
Lincoln: [devastated] "Not Bun-Bun!"
Boy Lynn: "Well..." [yawns] "...night, bro." [roughly punches Lincoln's arm]
Lincoln: [rubbing his arm] "Ow!"
[That night, as Lincoln tries to get some sleep, a swarm of bats comes out of his pillow and he screams in horror.]
Lars: "Oh. There's my bat colony."
[The next morning, Lincoln wakes up to find Lars's bat colony over his head and screams in horror and falls to the floor.]
Boy Lynn: "One for waking me." [punches Lincoln right into Lars's coffin.]
Lars: [rises out of coffin] "And one for scratching my coffin." [punches Lincoln]
Lincoln: [rubbing his arm] "Ow." [notices something] "No line for the bathroom? Sweet!" [rushes in]
[The bathroom is a total and complete mess, making Lincoln scream in horror.]
Luke: [yawning] "What's your damage, bro? You woke me up."
Lincoln: "Look! The bathroom is disgusting!"
Luke: "You're right, bro. We can't live like this. Let's go clean it! We'll start with the toilet!" [grabs Lincoln]
Lincoln: "Huh? Hey hey hey!"
[The door closes]
Luke: "Swirly time, dude!"
[Lincoln screams at the swirly he's given and comes out with his brother's laughing at his expense.]
Lane: "How's it goin', Stinkoln?"
[Lincoln then trips over and hurts his thumb.]
Loni: "Aw, you're fine. Shake it off."
[Leon crawls up to Lincoln.]
Lincoln: "Leon? You wanna kiss my boo-boo and make it better?" [Leon bites Lincoln's thumb.] "OW!"
Loki: "Kiss your boo-boo?"
[As the boys continue to laugh, Lincoln sucks his thumb since no one will kiss it to make it feel better.]
[Lincoln is topless.]
Lincoln: "Does nobody do laundry?"
Boy Lynn: [picking his nose with his big toe] "Oh, yeah! Got a winner!"
[The twins are wearing Lincoln's shirts.]
Lincoln: "Uh, why are you guys wearing my shirts?"
Leif: "Duh, 'cause ours were dirty."
Lincoln: "Well, now I don't have any clean ones, and I'm supposed to hang out with Ronnie Anne!"
Loki: [condescendingly] "Ooh, the prince needs a clean shirt when he sees his princess!"
Brothers: "Ooooooooooh!" [laugh]
Lincoln: [visibly blushing] "Cut it out, guys!"
Lane: "You know, if you wear your pants higher, you won't need a SHIRT!" [pulls Lincoln's pants upward on the word "shirt", giving him an inverse wedgie and laughs.]
Lincoln: [sarcastically] "Thanks a lot." [pulls pants down] "Now I need clean underwear, too."
Lane: "I'm just playin', bro." [ruffles Lincoln's hair]
Lincoln: "Ah, come on! I just combed my hair."
Brothers: [taunting] "OOOOOOOHHH!!!"
Leif: "PILE ON ROMEO!"
[Lincoln screams as his brothers minus Leon pile on top of him.]
Loki: "Guys, Dutch oven, Loud House style!"
[They all fart on Lincoln.]
Luke: "Say uncle!"
[They all get off Lincoln and cheer proudly for their Dutch oven. Lincoln, however, is not pleased.]
Lincoln: [to the viewers] "Remember what I said about staying here forever? Yeah. That's not happening." [Sees that he only has 5 minutes before it's too late.] "Phew. I still have five minutes to get back." [Checks the wastebasket he through the watch in but can't find it.] "Where is it?"
Lexx: "Whoa! Check out this sweet watch!" [holds the dimensional wristwatch]
Lincoln: "Hey, that's mine!"
Lexx: "Finders, keepers, loser!" [runs off with it]
Lincoln: "No! I need that!" [Chases after Lexx and falls down the stairs.]
[Lexx tosses it to Luke.]
Loni: [laughing] "Keep away with Uncle Lincoln's watch!"
Luke: "Oops!" [tosses it to Loni]
Lincoln: "You guys, this is serious!" [Sees this dimension of his Dad and gets an idea.] "PILE ON DAD!"
[Their dad runs away screaming and the boys run off to pile on him. Lincoln manages to grab his watch as they charge off.]
Alt. Lynn Sr.: "UNCLE UNCLE UNCLE!"
[There are only a few seconds left.]
Lincoln: "Phew. Just in time."
Boy Lynn: "Hey, Stinkoln, I almost forgot something." [pantses Lincoln and runs off laughing]
[Lincoln sighs, activates the portal, and jumps in screaming.]
[Lincoln makes it through the portal and ends up back in his linen closet room. But...]
Lincoln?: "My room!" [sees a familiar friend] "Bun-Bun!" [grabs Bun-Bun and cuddles him] "It worked!"
[The lights turn on and reveals his brothers are still here.]
Loki: "Are you okay? Did you have a nightmare?"
Lincoln? "AAAHH! It didn't work!"
Luke: "You want some water?"
Lexx: "How about warm milk?"
Boy Lynn: "Do you want some water?"
Lincoln?: "Wait. Why are they being nice to me?"
Loni: "Aw. Want us to stay until you fall asleep, Linka?"
Lincoln?: [confused] "Linka?"
[Lincoln looks around to see that his room is now very girly, there's a photo of him and a female version of Clyde, and he finds in his mirror that he is no longer Lincoln Loud; he is now Linka Loud.]
Linka: "I'M IN THE WRONG DIMENSION!"
[Linka screams in horror and then it immediately changes back to Lincoln. It turns out Lincoln was having a nightmare. His room is the same as it was and he's still Lincoln Loud.]
Lincoln: "Oh, thank goodness. It was all just a nightmare."
[His sisters barge in having been alarmed of his scream.]
Lori: [concerned] "We heard you scream! Are you okay? Here's Bun-Bun, Linky."
[His sisters comfort him after his fright.]
Leni: "Lily will kiss it and make it all better."
Lincoln: "Thanks, guys. You're the best."
[Lily kisses her brother]
Lincoln: "It's good to be home. I'll never complain about having sisters again."
[As they embrace for a tender moment, the girls realize what he just said.]
Lola: "Wait. What?"
Lincoln: "I mean, you know, the nuns."
[Leni notices and picks up a wristwatch.]
Leni: "Lincoln, is this yours? It fell on the floor."
[Lincoln screams, tosses it on the floor, and stomps it into pieces.]
Lori: [livid] "That was literally mine! You are so gonna pay!"
Lincoln: [fearing] "Please don't stick my head down the toilet!"
Lori: "What? I meant with money."
Lincoln: "Oh, of course. That's more than fair."
Lola: [scoffs] "Breaking Lori's watch? You sir, have no class!"
[The sisters all go back to bed.]
Lincoln: [to the viewers] "I'm so glad my sisters are nothing like my brothers."
[Lynn comes back in]
Lynn: "Hey, Lincoln, I almost forgot something." [pantses him and runs off laughing]
Lincoln: [annoyed] "Except for Lynn."
| v - e - d The Loud House episode transcripts