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The following is a transcript for the episode "Not a Loud".

Script

[Lincoln and Clyde are looking around in the attic.]
Clyde: "Check this out!" [showing Lori's baby book with a photo of her talking into a toy phone with unusual features.] "Our little Lori was born with a pointy head, no hair, and webbed toes." [swooning] "Gosh. She was perfect from day one."
Lincoln: [snaps his friend out of it] "Focus, Clyde. We're supposed to be looking for my birth story." [to the viewers] "Everyone in our class has to do a report about the day they were born, and tomorrow is my turn. Should be a cinch because Mom and Dad keep detailed baby books for all of us." [shows his sisters' books in order] "Here's Luna's..." [which shows baby Luna with a guitar.] "...here's Lynn's..." [which shows Lynn working out with a dumbbell.] "...here's Lucy's..." [which shows Lucy folding her arms and wearing a winter cap hiding her eyes; notices his book.] "Aha! Here's mine!" [which shows him wearing a white cap similar to Lucy's and holding Bun-Bun; opens it, but sees no pictures.] "Huh. The section for my birth story is blank. That's okay. I'm sure Mom and Dad remember it."


[Jump to the parents; Lynn Sr. spits out his coffee on Lincoln.]
Lynn Sr.: [flabbergasted] "Your birth story?!"
Lincoln: [wipes the spewed coffee off his face.] "Yyyyyeah. It's not in my baby book."
Rita: [uneasy] Uh, that's weird." [chuckles] "What do you wanna know?"
Lincoln: "Well, what time of day was I born?"
[Rita and Lynn Sr. answer at the same time.]
Lynn Sr.: "Morning."
Rita: "Night."
Lincoln: [confused] "Okay...how much did I weigh?"
[The parents answer at the same time again.]
Lynn Sr.: "Nine pounds."
Rita: [holding up a certain number of fingers] "Seven pounds."
[Lincoln and Clyde look to each other suspiciously.]
Lincoln: "What was the doctor's name?"
[Another simultaneous answer]
Lynn Sr.: "Dr. Bernstein!'
Rita: "Dr. Patel!"
Lincoln: "What is going on?"
Parents: [through gritted teeth] "Nothing!"
Lincoln: "At least you agree on that one."


[Lincoln's room]
Lincoln: "That story had more holes than my underwear. My parents are obviously hiding something, and I'm gonna get to the bottom of it!"
Clyde: "No, we are! You're my best bud and future brother-in-law, and I need to know how you came into this world."


[Lori and Leni's room]
Lincoln: "Hey, Lori, do you remember anything about the day I was born?"
Lori: "Sure. Pop Pop was watching us. A car pulled up and a scientist wearing a mask and gloves stepped out holding you."
Lincoln: [baffled] "A scientist?"
Clyde: [outside the room trying not to see the first born daughter.] "Did you say a scientist?"
Lori: "Oh. Hi, Clyde!"
Clyde: [acting like a robot outside] "SYSTEM OVERLOAD. ABORT. ABORT." [crashes]
[Back in Lincoln's room]
Clyde: "I hate to question my future bride, but that story makes no sense. Scientists don't deliver babies."
Lincoln: "Wait a minute! What if that scientist didn't deliver me? What if she created me..." [takes out one of his DVD movies] "...like Larry the Lab-Boy?"
Clyde: "Of course! And it would totally explain the white hair." [flicks Lincoln's cowlick and chuckles.]
Lincoln: "Only one thing. Larry had superpowers, and I don't."
Clyde: [intrigued] "Or, do you?"
Lincoln and Clyde: "FIELD TEST!"


Clyde: "First up, super strength."
[A bunch of heavy objects are bundled up together over Lincoln's head on a branch.]
Lincoln: "Okay, Clyde, let's do this!"
[Clyde cuts the rope and the objects drop right on top of Lincoln who screams in pain, debunking the super strength test; later.]
Clyde: "Now that you're upright, let's try testing your super speed. On your mark, get set, run like the wind!"
[Lincoln takes off]
Lincoln: "I'm doing it! I'm doing it!"
[Scoots comes rolling by on her scooter.]
Scoots: "Move it, slowpoke!" [easily passes Lincoln]
Lincoln: [stops; baffled] "What just happened?"
Clyde: "I think you just proved that you're definitely not as fast as a boy made in a lab."
Lincoln: "Ah. Let's go check with Leni."


Leni: "I totes remember that day! We were at home waiting to meet you. [pokes her brother's nose] And then you were carried in by an eagle. Well, off to the mall!" [leaves]
Lincoln: [doubtful] "An eagle? That's crazy!"
Clyde: "Maybe she said beagle."
Lincoln: "How is that better?" [gets an idea] "Wait a minute!" [gets out another DVD] "Remember this?"
Clyde: "Of course! Erik the Eagle Boy! He was half eagle and half boy. That would explain the white hair." [pulls on the cowlick]
Lincoln: "But Erik could do all that, you know, eagle stuff."
Lincoln and Clyde: "FIELD TEST!"


[A bunch of pillows are on the ground.]
Clyde: [into walkie] "McBride to tower, we're ready for take off! 1...2...3! Fly, Eagle Boy!" [Lincoln takes off] "Fly like-"
[Lincoln is unable to stay airborne and crashes onto the pillows.]
Clyde: [unimpressed] "-a rock."
[The dining room]
Clyde: "Open wide, Eagle Boy. Here's lunch." [holds up a can of worms]
[Lincoln gulps nervously and tastes a worm. Immediate segue to him throwing up in the toilet.]
Clyde: [thinking] "Hmm. Maybe it was beagle." [holds up a can of food] "How about some turkey giblets and gravy?"
[Lincoln gets more nauseous and throws up again.]


[The boys are now talking to Luna about the story.]
Luna: "Your birth story? Totally remember it, brah. A car pulled up to the house, and Mom and Dad stepped out holding you."
Lincoln: "Huh. Nothing suspicious about that."
Luna: "And then all these dudes in dark suits and sunglasses jumped out, surrounded the house, and started talking into their watches. It was pretty rad. Later!" [leaves]
Lincoln: "Well, now I'm even more confused."
Clyde: [hands Lincoln another DVD]
Lincoln: "Alan the Alien Boy! Of course! Those guys Luna saw were government agents bringing me to Mom and Dad."
Clyde: "That would explain the white hair."
Lincoln and Clyde: "FIELD TEST!"


[The hallway in front of the bathroom door.]
Clyde: "Alan could open doors with his mind. Let's see what you've got."
[Lincoln tries opening the door using mind powers, and after a few seconds, it does open.]
Lincoln and Clyde: "It worked!"
[The toilet flushes and out comes Lana with a newspaper.]
Lana: "I'd give it a minute before going in there. Whew!"
Clyde: "Well, scratch that. The next test is the ability to regenerate lost limbs. Do you have a stick you could bite on?"
Lincoln: [reluctant] "Clyde, I think it's pretty obvious I'm not an alien."


[The boys are now talking to Luan about it.]
Luan: "Well, I was really little, but I do remember how excited we were to finally have a brother. [rubs Lincoln's hair] We thought for sure you'd be a girl."
Lincoln: [confused] "Why would you think that?"
Luan: "Mom and Dad already had your room decorated for one. At first, we thought they'd brought home the wrong baby!" [giggles and leaves]
[Dramatic beat]
Lincoln: "Clyde, that's it!" [holds up another DVD] "It's just like Ricky the Wrong Baby Ricky's so-called "parents" wanted a boy so badly, they paid a doctor to switch babies. My parents already had five girls. It makes total sense!"
Clyde: "It would explain the white hair."
Lincoln: "Come on, Clyde. We have to get to the bottom of this."
[They rush off]


[The boys are checking the hospital's birth records online.]
Lincoln: "Okay, here are the local birth announcements from the day I was born. We need to find all of these families and see if one of them could be mine."
Clyde: "Great plan, Lincoln." [suddenly concerned] "Or, I mean, whatever your name really is." [sighs] "This is gonna be an adjustment."


[Elsewhere, the boys are hiding in a bush.]
Lincoln: "Okay, Clyde, first house on the list!"
[They spy a family of blondes with their kid being a tall girl.]
Clyde: "Maybe you were switched with that really tall girl."
[The parents stand up to reveal to be just as tall as she is.]
Lincoln: "Or maybe not. Next!"
[They head off to the next house and spy on a family with a father with a hairdo like Lincoln's and a girl with a familiar laugh.]
Lincoln: "Hey! That girl laughs just like Luan! She must be a Loud, and I must belong in that family!"
[The family reveals to have long noses.]
Clyde: "Or maybe not. Next!"
[The next family is gardening on their front lawn.]
Lincoln: "Maybe she's the one! She's into dirt, just like Lana."
[The family takes off their gardening hats and reveal to have red curly hair.]
Clyde: "Or not."
[The next family's lawn is filled with cacti, which Lincoln pokes out of in pain.]
Lincoln: "Ow! I hate these drought-resistant lawns!"
Clyde: "I sure hope it's not this house, because we'd be going to different schools. Just thinking about that makes my feet sweat."
[A car horn honks and is parking in the driveway.]
Lincoln: "I wouldn't worry about it, Clyde. With the luck we're having-"
[The parents reveal to have white hair.]
Lincoln: "Gah! The white hair!"
[The daughter they have reveals to look eerily familiar.]
Lincoln: "And look at her hair! It looks just like Lori's!"
[Clyde takes off his shoe and lets out all the sweat that his feet let out in a saddened state.]
White-haired woman: "What does everyone want for dinner?"
White-haired family's daughter: [excited] "Spicy subs! Spicy subs!"
Lincoln: "Hair like Lori's, plays guitar like Luna, eats like Lynn...that girl is a Loud!"
Clyde: [in heartbroken denial] "We don't know that!" [sniffles, sighs, and wrings out his sock.]
Lincoln: "Let's face it, Clyde. Those white-haired people are my real parents. I'm gonna have to move here and start my life all over."
Clyde: "You can't! How are we gonna stay best friends? Do walkie-talkies even reach this far? Will your new parents even let me sleep over?" [starts hyperventilating into his paper bag.]
Lincoln: "Don't worry. We'll work it out." [angry] "But first, I have some choice words for my so-called parents!"


[Back at the Loud House, Lincoln steps in front of his parents and cracks his neck a little.]
Lynn Sr.: "Can we help you, son?"
Lincoln: [incredulous] "Son. That's an interesting choice of words."
Clyde: [pops up from behind the armchair's left arm.] "Yeah!"
[The Loud parents look at Clyde confused and he just waves to them.]
Rita: "Is there something wrong, boys?"
Lincoln: "Yes. I know my real birth story."
Lynn Sr.: [shocked] "You do?!"
Lincoln: "Yep. You really had another girl, but you didn't want another girl, did you? You wanted a boooyyy! So, what did you do? You paid off the hospital to look the other way, then you made the ol' switcheroo with some poor unsuspecting family across town! What do you have to say for yourselves?"
Clyde: "Yeah! For shame!"
[The parents take a second and start laughing.]
Lincoln: [sarcastic] "Oh, I'm glad you find ruining my life funny."
[The parents are still laughing and soon Rita stops.]
Rita: "We're sorry, honey." [nudges her husband to stop] "We don't mean to laugh. It's just that you're way off base."
Lynn Sr.: "Oh, Lincoln, of course you're our son. Why don't you sit down? It's time you know the real story of your birth."
[Lincoln sits down, as does Clyde.]
Lynn Sr.: "Okay, you too, Clyde."
Rita: "Well, the day you were born got off to a pretty normal start. My water broke, we called Pop Pop, he came over to watch your older sisters..."
Lynn Sr.: "I drove your mother over to the hospital in Vanzilla, but not surprisingly, she broke down." [realizing what he said] "Uh, the van, not your mother. And that's when things stopped being normal."
[Flashback to that day with Lynn Sr. calling for a ride.]
Rita: [narrating] "We were afraid you were going to be born on the side of the road, but thankfully, a black limo pulled up."
[The window rolls down to Lynn Sr.'s request.]
Lynn Sr.: [narrating] "Could have knocked me over with a feather, it was the President and the First Lady! When I told them what was going on, they offered to give us a ride to the hospital."
[Lynn Sr. gets in, remembers his wife and brings her over. She is surprised to see who it is.]
Rita: [narrating] "Everything was looking fine again, but you weren't a very patient baby. We weren't going to make it to the hospital. You were going to be delivered by the President, until he passed out. Then the First Lady took over."
[The action shown during the narration is shown as told. End flashback.]
Lynn Sr.: "What an amazing woman. She was so cool under pressure."
Rita: "Of course, you had to hear that from me, since you were passed out, too."
Lynn Sr.: "That's not how I remember it."
Rita: "Anyway, she delivered you right there in the limo. When we saw you for the first time..." [sighs] "...our hearts just melted."
Lynn Sr.: "The reason we never told you was because the President-" [pauses and whispers] "...because the President was heading to his top secret safe house in Royal Woods. No one knows about it, and no one can."
Rita: "We had to sign an agreement saying we'd never discuss it."
Lincoln: [amazed] "Wow! That's amazing! But wait. Somethings still don't make sense. Luan said you decorated my room for a girl. It sure sounds like you were expecting one."
Rita: "We already had five girls. We were just using the baby stuff we had."
Lincoln: "What about the men in black suits and sunglasses that Luna told me about?"
Lynn Sr.: "They were secret service."
Lincoln: "Lori said there was a scientist in gloves and a mask."
Lynn Sr.: "That was the First Lady. She got that stuff from the first aid kit in the car."
Lincoln: "Okay, but what about what Leni said, that was I carried by an eagle?"
Rita: "Mm, you were wrapped in a blanket with the presidential seal on it."
Lynn Sr.: "In fact..."
[He goes to the corner of the room, tears off a piece of the carpet, reveals a secret compartment with a briefcase, takes out the briefcase, opens it, and reveals the aforementioned blanket.]
Lincoln: [convinced] "Holy cow! I can't believe it! I was delivered by the First Lady!"
Clyde: "I believe she's referred to as FLOTUS. Lincoln, wait until you tell this story to our class! It's totally gonna blow away the story about Liam's water birth!"
Rita: "Sorry, sweetie, but you can't tell your class. Remember? It's top secret."
Lincoln: [disappointed] "Oh. Right."
Lynn Sr.: "Sorry about that, son."
Lincoln: "It's okay, Dad. I'm just glad you can still call me that."
Rita: "Aw."
Lynn Sr.: "Bring it in, kiddo."
[Lincoln and his parents hug it out.]
Clyde: [crying with happiness] "It's just too beautiful." [blows his nose on the blanket.]
Lynn Sr.: "Uh, Clyde, that's a piece of American history." [takes the blanket back]


[Lincoln and Clyde are reading comic books in Lincoln's room.]
Clyde: "It's great we know the truth, Lincoln. But we still haven't solved the mystery of your white hair."
Lincoln: "True." [thinks] "Wait a minute!" [picks up another DVD] "I think I have the answer." [shows it to Clyde]
Clyde: "Of course! Ron the Radioactive Boy! His hair turned white after that gamma ray explosion!"
Lincoln: "But he also got all those weird mutant abilities."
[The boys are inspired for another...]
Lincoln and Clyde: "FIELD TEST!"