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The following is a transcript for the episode "No Spoilers".

Script

[Leni is on the sofa with Cliff who is blinking to her through a looking hole]
Leni: [gasps at Cliff's blinking] "O-M-Gosh! What does that mean?"
[It's revealed that Lincoln is viewing them through a periscope. He retracts it and heads into Leni and Lori's room where the other sisters and their dad are gathered and closes the door]
Lincoln: "Okay, Leni should be occupied for a while. I told her she can communicate with Cliff by blinking."
Lori: [bangs her shoe gavel] "I call this meeting to order!"
Lincoln: [to the viewers] "We've tried throwing a few surprise parties in this family, but it's always gone wrong. And we all know why. Or should I say, who?"
[Flashback to one surprise party. Lynn is watching from the door's window and gets down]
Lynn: "Okay, she's coming. Everyone hide."
[Lincoln, Luna, Luan, Lucy, Lana, Lola, and Lisa hide and Lily covers her eyes. Leni is outside with a party hat and present and Lori walks up to the door]
Lori: "Leni, what are you doing?"
Leni: "Shh! I'm hiding for your surprise party."
[Everyone inside groans at the spoiler. Flashback to another ruined surprise with Lisa looking angry and holding something]
Lisa: "Siblings, I am perplexed as to why I have just received an invitation to my own surprise birthday party."
Leni: "Oh! I sent that. I wanted to make sure you'd be there."
[Lori shuts her up and the others groan disappointed. Switch to another flashback with Leni talking to Luna and holding dresses]
Leni: "Luna, should I wear the pink or blue dress to your surprise party?"
Luna: [upset] "Dude!"
Leni: "What?"
[Enter Luan wearing two yellow and brown striped party hats]
Luan: "I pink you just blue the surprise!" [laughs] "Get it? But seriously, you ruined it."
[End flashbacks]
Lincoln: "Well, this year, we want to throw a surprise party for Mom, which means, as much as we love her, we have to keep Leni out of it."
Lori: [showing a card of her cleaning up] "Okay, guys, let me break it down for you. I'll do the cleaning." [switches to a card of Lola and Lynn with treats] "Lola and Lynn are on food." [switches to a card of Lucy and Lana with balloons and streamers] "Lana and Lucy will do the decorations." [switches to a card with Luna and Luan performing and Lisa with a list] "Luan and Luna will handle entertainment. Lisa will be in charge of the guest list." [switches to a card of their parents leaving the house] "And Dad will get Mom out of the house."
Lincoln: "What about me? What's my job?"
Lori: "You have the most important job of all." [switches to a card of Leni with a caption that says "Just make Lincoln do it"] "You have to keep Leni distracted till Mom comes home. If she's coming our way, just yell a code word. Let's make it "daffodil"."
Lincoln: "Uh, can it be something cooler? Like serpent or quasar or-"
[Leni comes in and the others scream, as does Leni]
Leni: "Is this how we're saying hello now? I like it! Don't mind me. Just getting my polish." [grabs her polish] "Cliff blinked that he wants me to do his nails. Oh, by the way, while I have you guys, it's Mom's birthday today! I was thinking we should throw her one of our famous Loud Family surprise parties. If everyone agrees, I'll go tell her right now!"
Lori: "Uh, actually, I don't think Mom wants a party this year. Let's just keep it low-key."
Lynn Sr.: "Yeah. Totes."
Sisters: "Definitely. Low-key."
Lincoln: "Uh, hey, Leni, while you're here, I have some urgent fashion questions for you."
[While Lincoln has Leni distracted, the rest of their family sneaks out of the room]
Leni: "Lincoln, all fashion questions are urgent."


[Downstairs, the other sisters see their parents leaving]
Lynn Sr.: [acting] "Okay, kids, we're leaving now! I'm taking your mother shopping because I love to shop!" [goes out the door, winks to them, and closes the door]
Lucy: "We should stop including Dad in the surprise party planning, too."


[Back in Lori and Leni's room, Leni gets out a plaid fabric]
Leni: "And this is plaid."
Lincoln: "So, um...is there a difference between plaid and checkers?"
Leni: "Huge difference! But to really help you understand, I should go get some samples from downstairs."
Lincoln: [blocks the door so she can't get out] "No! I mean, I have a more important question. Is it ever okay to wear jorts?"
Leni: [shocked] "O-M-Gosh, Lincoln! We need to go back to square one."
[Lincoln sighs relieved. Leni grabs him and puts him on the bed]
Leni: "I need to hydrate before we start." [leaves the room]
Lincoln: [panicking] "TULIP! I MEAN, DAISY! The heck was that word?"
[Lucy and Lana are doing their decorations when they notice Leni]
Lucy: [panicking] "Ah!"
[They get their decorations out of sight and one of Lana's balloons whizzes around letting out its air]
Leni: [thinking she farted] "Oh, sorry, guys. Must've been something I ate." [goes to the kitchen]
[In the kitchen, Lola is frosting the cake and Lynn is pouring hot sauce on a sandwich. Enter Leni]
Leni: "Hey, guys!"
[The food making sisters yelp. Lynn slaps her sandwich away and Lola sits on her cake]
Leni: "Oh, right. I forgot our new greeting." [screams and gets a glass of water while Charles is eating the sandwich; stops with inspiration] "Ooh, Lola, your cake chair just gave me an idea. Even if we're not throwing Mom a party, maybe we should make her favorite cake."
Lynn: "You heard what Lori said. We're keeping it low-key."
[Enter Lincoln sweating and still panicking] "DAFFODIL!" [breathes heavily]
Leni: [misinterpreting] "You're not ready for floral prints, Lincoln."


[Back in Lori and Leni's room]
Leni: "Well, that covers everything!"
[Her whole room is filled with different design fabrics]
Lincoln: "Literally."
Leni: "I'm gonna go gossip with Cliff."
Lincoln: "Wait!" [blocks the door] "Uh, hey, you're always looking for a dress model. Well..." [grins nervously] "...I'm your guy."
[Leni gasps and is now working on a new outfit with Lincoln as said model]
Lincoln: [disgruntled] "My sisters owe my big time."
Leni: "What was that?"
Lincoln; "Uh, I said, I think we need to redo the hemline." [grins nervously again]


[Luna and Luan are getting their props for the show and close their door loudly]
Lori: [from the bathroom in a cleaning outfit] "Keep it down, guys. Leni will hear."
[Luna and Luan nod and start tiptoeing down the hallway, but Luan's joke teeth fall out. Luna trips over it, yelps, lands with a thud and drops her instruments, making a loud crashing sound]
Leni: [having heard the commotion] "What was that?"
Lincoln: "Nothing! I didn't hear Luna drop her cymbals!" [realizes what he said] "Uh, I mean..." [sees Leni heading for the door] "DAFFODIL! DAFFODIL!"
[Luan and Luna hide their props and stand casually as Leni comes by with Lincoln behind her]
Lincoln: "Luna, you gotta-" [slips on Luna's drum, falls down the stairs, and lands with Walt flying around his head like a cartoon bird; dazed] "Daffodil..."
[Lucy and Lana get rid of their decorations]
Lisa: "Lincoln, you need to get your proverbial act together."
Lucy: "Yeah. We'll never get this done if we have to keep starting over."
[Leni comes down the stairs with Lori right behind her]
Leni: "Are you okay, Lincoln? If you wanna jump down the stairs, I have just the thing: parachute pants!" [notices something] "Oh, Lana, those popped balloons on your hat just gave me an idea! I know we're not having a party, but shouldn't we at least do a little decorating for Mom's birthday?"
Lisa: "To repeat, keeping it low-key."
Lincoln: [gets an idea] "But you know what we could use? A great card! Maybe one with a camel, in a space suit. Uh, that's also scratch-and-sniff. And that also says "Happy birthday from your 11 kids"."
Leni: "Adorbs! But where would I find one?"
Lincoln: "The Hazeltucky Party Outlet!"
Leni: "Hmm. That's, like, three bus rides away. But it's for Mom, and she's totes worth it. Bye!" [leaves]
Lana: [locks her brother into a playful noogie] "Nice thinking, big brother!"
Lucy: "Can someone help me with the streamers?"
[Leni comes back and the others gasp. Lori grabs Lucy and tosses her to the other side of the room]
Lucy: "Ah!" [crashes off-screen]
Leni: "I forgot my shoes!" [looks down and sees she's wearing them] "Oh, wait. No I didn't. 'Kay, bye!" [leaves again]
[Everyone sighs relieved]
Lori: "Okay, we lost some valuable time, but we can still do this. Everyone back to work!"


[Lana and Lucy resume decorating and Lana comes across a problem]
Lana: "Dang it. I'm out of balloons. Ooh, I know! My emergency stash of ABC gum!"
[She gets some gum from under the banister, chews a piece, and blows a grody bubble to act as a balloon. Lucy runs out of streamers and uses some of Lana's emergency toilet paper from her pocket to act as a substitute. Lana walks away. Lynn is making another sandwich and dumps a jar of jalapenos on it. She takes a taste, gets her face red, feels steam coming out of her eyes, screams, and thuds]
Lynn: [normal] "Still not hot enough." [pours more Tabasco sauce on it]
[Lola takes a taste of her cake and suddenly gets a serious sugar rush while running around and wailing like crazy]
Lola: [normal] "Mm...still not sweet enough." [pours a sack of sugar onto the cake]


[Later, the team is finished with their plans and are waiting for the guests when the doorbell rings]
Lisa: "The guests have arrived." [opens the door]
[Enter Flip eating a bag of chips and smacking his fingers like a slob]
Flip: "How do! Flip has a policy of never showing up empty-handed, so here!" [hands Lisa his so-called gift]
Lisa: [sarcastically deadpan] "Expired milk? Gee, how thoughtful."
Flip: "You're welcome." [belches] "Eh, where's the grub?"
[Enter Mr. Grouse]
Mr. Grouse: "Eh, someone turn on the boob tube." [sits down next to Lana and turns on the TV] "Ooh, color. Fancy."
[Enter Dr. Feinstein]
Lisa: "Dr. Feinstein! Greetings."
[Dr. Feinstein tips his hat to her and gives her a toothbrush]
Lucy: "How in the world did you come up with this abysmal guest list?"
Lisa: "According to my algorithm, the people Mother encounters most are her employer, our cantankerous neighbor, and the owner of our local convenience store."
Lucy: "Just because she encounters them doesn't mean she likes them."
Lisa: "Well, just because she uses toilet paper doesn't mean she'll find it a suitable party decoration."
Lana: "Ugh, I told you we should've just stuck with my brown balloons."
Lynn: [sarcastic] "Yeah, because everyone wants their party to look like Cliff's litter box."
[Enter Luan down the banister]
Luan: "Hey, guys, I got some great jokes for the party." [clears throat] "Boy, Mom is so old, her social security number is 1! I would have invited guests for Mom's first birthday party, but they're all extinct!"
Lori: "I don't think Mom wants to hear jokes about how old she is."
Luna: "Boss man's got a point, dude. Why don't we just stick to my jams for the entertainment?" [strums her guitar wildly and wails at the top of her lungs]
Lola: [unplugs the guitar] "Um, Mom is going to hate that! It'll make her ears bleed!"
Luna: "Right after her teeth fall out from eating your cake!"
[Flip eats a piece of Lynn's sandwich from the buffet table and, due to its extreme spiciness, gets his mouth burned, tries to cool it down with the expired milk he brought, and spits it out over how gross it is]
Lincoln: "Lynn, what did you put in that sub? You're going to burn off Mom's taste buds!"
Lynn: "Don't criticize my job when you could barely do yours!"
[They all start arguing until Lori whistles to them]
Lori: "Guys, stop arguing! You're missing the bigger picture! This party literally stinks."
Lincoln: "You're right."
Lola: "Look at this mess."
[The others agree]
Luan: "I don't get it. Where did we go wrong? We've never thrown a bad party before."
Luna: "Are we missing something?"
Mr. Grouse: [changing the channels] "Yeah! A decent sports package!"
Lincoln: "[gasps in realization] "It's Leni! She may spoil all the surprises, but she's the only one who knows how to throw a good party."
Lynn: "Lincoln's right. Leni actually thinks about what people like."
Lori: "We need to call her and get her back here right now." [calls Leni]
[Over at the Hazeltucky Party Outlet, Leni is looking at the different cards and opens one. But at the same time, her phone rings, making her think something]
Leni: [oblivious to her phone ringing] "Ooh! A musical card!" [closes it and opens it again at another ringing cue] "Mm. I don't think Mom would be into that." [puts it back] "I like it, though. I should make it my ringtone."
[Back at the house]
Lori: "She's not answering!"
Lincoln: "We have to go get her!"
[The kids go to get Leni]
Lisa: [to the three lousy guests] "Sorry, gentlemen. The soiree has concluded."
[Mr. Grouse and Dr. Feinstein get up to leave]
Flip: "Hold up there, Four-Eyes! Flip also has a policy of never leaving a party empty-handed!" [sacks up all the snacks] "Hee, hee, hee! Okay, let's go. Come on, move it or lose it."
[They leave]


[It's late and the kids return without Leni]
Lincoln: "I guess we really blew it. We couldn't find Leni, and now we can't give Mom an decent-"
[As he steps in and turns out the light, someone familiar greets him]
Leni: "SURPRISE!"
[Leni has a present, decorations are everywhere, cheesy brass music is playing in the background, and guests include Auth Ruth, Albert, Pam, and two other women]
Leni: "Oh. It's you guys. Hurry up and hide. Mom will be home any minute."
Lori: "Leni, what's going on?"
Leni: [guilty] "Don't be mad. I know you wanted to go low-key, but I found all this great stuff at the store, and I decided maybe we should go high-key. Doesn't Mom totally deserve it?" [puts the present down and holds up the card Lincoln requested] "Plus, I found that card you wanted me to get. It is totes cute. And it's a scratch and sniff, too!" [scratches the camel]
Lola: [takes the card, sniffs it and gags] "Ugh! Camel!"
Lana: "Give me that!" [takes it, smells it, and feels intoxicated] "Ah, camel..."
[At that moment, they hear their dad outside]
Lynn Sr.: [acting] "I guess I'll put in the key and open the front door now!"
Leni: [gasps] "Mom's here!"
[Everyone gets into a hiding spot and the parents come in and the guests burst out]
Kids and guests: "SURPRISE!!!"
Rita: [gasps with joy] "Oh my goodness!"
Leni: "Happy birthday, Mom!"
Rita: "Oh, kids, you've really outdone yourselves. Look at these decorations. You remembered violet is my favorite color." [smells something] "And do I small pad thai?"
Leni: "Yep. And German chocolate cake for dessert."
Rita: "Thank you so much, kids. This is the perfect party."
Lincoln: "Actually, you should thank Leni. We tried to do this without her, but it was a disaster."
Leni: [confused] "What do you mean, you tried to do it without me?"
Lincoln: "Uh...yeah. We're sorry, Leni. We were afraid you'd spoil the surprise. We didn't realize you're the only one of us thoughtful enough to make a party really special."
Lori: "In fact, from now on, how would you like to be our official party planner?"
Leni: [claps excitedly] "Yay! Thanks, you guys." [to her father] "You hear that, Dad? I'm planning your surprise party next! But don't worry. I'll send you an invitation."
[Everyone else in the room facepalms from Leni's big spoiler]