The following is a transcript for the episode "No Guts, No Glori".
[Lincoln's room; the boy is enjoying a nice glass of lemonade with a crazy straw, turns to the audience.]
Lincoln: "Ah, Friday night. You survived another week of school. Now it's time to kick back, forget your troubles, and crack open a brand new video game." [gets out a copy of Super Mega Brawlers Turbo Fighter and smells it.] "Love that new game smell." [Suddenly picks up another scent; one that worries him.] "Wait a minute." [sniffs again] "Is that...Oh no!"
[Soon, his sisters start picking up the scent as well.]
Lucy: "Sniff. Sniff."
Lincoln: "Mom's expensive perfume. Which can only mean one thing." [checks the calendar and finds out what tonight is...] "Date night! Which can only mean one other thing!"
Rita: "Lori's in charge! Do as she says! Bye!" [leaves]
Lincoln: "NOOOOOOOOO! She gets a sick thrill from bossing us around! In this house, we call her the Queen of-"
Lori: [from upstairs] "NO!" [unplugs Luna's amplifiers] "NO MUSIC!" [tosses Lana's mud pie in the trash] "NO MUD PIES!" [approaches Leni who's talking on the phone] "NO-"
Leni: "Way! That's totes cray cray!"
Lori: [hangs up Leni's call] "No phone calls." [takes away Lincoln's game] "AND NO VIDEO GAMES!"
[Lori dresses up in a military uniform and blows a whistle that summons her siblings and the pets to the front room.]
Lori: "At ease!" [Everyone feels calmer now] "JUST KIDDING! NOBODY IS TO BE AT EASE IN MY PRESENCE!" [the others regain their forms] "As you know, Mom and Dad left me in charge. That means, you have to do as I say, whether you're tall, short, or covered in fur and can only understand the word "sit"."
[Charles, Cliff, and Geo sit down on command, but Walt tips over in his attempt and knocks Geo's hamster ball to the side.]
Lori: [busts out a chart of tonight's schedule] "Now, here is our schedule for this evening. 6:00 to 7:00: Sitting on bed with arms folded. 7:00 to 7:30: Chow. 7:30 to 8:00: Thorough cleaning of mess hall. 8:00: Staring at wall until falling asleep. Everyone got that?"
Lincoln, Leni, Luna, Luan, Lynn, Lucy, Lola, Lisa, and Lily: "MA'AM, YES, MA'AM!"
Lana: "SIR, YES, SIR!"
[Lori glares at Lana for calling her "sir". Lana covers her mouth, aghast.]
[Everyone rushes back upstairs while Geo hops in his ball up each step.]
[Lincoln opens his door and puts a note in Geo's hamster ball.]
Lincoln: "Hey, Geo. Want a snack, boy?" [tosses the snack over to Lola and Lana's door.]
[Geo rolls over, opens his ball, gets the treat, and gets the twins' attention; Lincoln does this with his other sisters; the note tells them to meet in Lincoln's room and they sneak over to Lincoln's room; Luan has camouflaged herself with the wall and sneaks in; Leni is the only one who still hasn't snuck out of her room since she's with Lori at the moment; she begins to sneak off while wearing a scarf.]
Lori: [suspicious] "Leni, what are you doing?"
Leni: "I'm not Leni. I'm wearing a scarf."
Lori: [not fooled one bit] "You've got five minutes to do your business."
[Leni goes out and sneaks over to Lincoln's room to join the others for a big meeting.]
Lola: This better be good. You know how much trouble we'll be in if Lori finds out we're not in our rooms?"
Lincoln: "Rooms? More like prison cells! Every time Lori's left in charge, she makes our lives miserable. Well, I say no more! It's time to take back our Friday nights! Luna, do you like it when Lori unplugs your amp mid-jam?"
Luna: "It's way harsh."
Lincoln: "And Lana, how about when Lori throws out your mud pies?"
Lana: "I work hard on those!"
Lincoln: "And Lily, what about when Lori won't let you run around naked?" [Lily takes off her diaper and blows a raspberry in protest.] "Then let's do something about it!"
Leni, Luna, Luan, Lynn, Lucy, Lola, Lana, Lisa, and Lily: "YEAH!"
[Back in Lori and Leni's room, Lori is trying to paint her toenails like in Sixteen 1/2 Magazine, but she doesn't seem to have gotten it down; suddenly, Luna's jam is back on, which Lori does not take well as it's going against her orders.]
Lori: [sees Lily playing] "Lily? What are you-"
[Just then, there are some creaks and Lori notices that the others are right behind her; they tackle her and she screams for help; just then, it's revealed that they tied her up to a chair.]
Lori: [furious] "Hey! What is going on?"
Lincoln: "Your power trip is over! We're taking back our Friday nights!"
Lori: "Power trip?"
Lincoln: "Just admit it. You get a sick thrill out of bossing us around."
[The other sisters concur.]
Lori: "You think I enjoy this? Unfortunately, I'm the only one who can keep this house from ending up in a pile of rubble! It's not like any of you could do it."
Lana: "Yuh-huh. Lincoln could."
Lincoln: [surprised] "I could?"
Leni, Luna, Luan, Lynn, Lucy, Lola, Lana, Lisa, and Lily: "WE'RE THINKIN' LINCOLN! WE'RE THINKIN' LINCOLN!"
[Lincoln and Lori are flabbergasted at this.]
Lori: [condescendingly] "Lincoln in charge? Ha! He couldn't lead Cliff to the litter box."
[Cliff is right next to his little box and suddenly goes right on the carpet.]
Lincoln: "Oh yeah? Challenge accepted!" [takes the whistle] "Take her away!"
[the other sisters carry her to her room.]
Lori: "You won't last five minutes!" [laughs maniacally] HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!"
Lincoln: [shuts the door] "Lola, guard this door. No one goes in, no one comes out."
[Lola nods in agreement and gets a Golf club to guard the door while dressing up as a security guard.]
Lincoln: "Say goodbye to the Queen of No..." [tosses whistle on the floor] "...and hello to the King of Yes!"
[The sisters cheer in victory; Luna is finally jamming out.]
Lincoln: "Yes to music!" [cranks the tunes and puts a happy face on Lana's mud pie.] "Yes to mud!"
Leni: [on the phone] "Seriously?"
Lincoln: "Yes to phone calls! And yes to video games!" [turns his game on]
SUPER MEGA BRAWLERS TURBO FIGHTER XXIV
Game announcer: "Round 1: Fight!"
[But just before Lincoln can finally start playing, Leni screams and Lincoln pauses the game to see what's wrong; it turns out that Luan is chasing Leni around with a rubber spider.]
Lincoln: "Uh...okay. Have fun. Just don't get too crazy."
[Just then, Luna's amps are at a really high volume.]
Lincoln: "RAD SOUNDS! MAYBE NOT SO LOUD!" [turns it down a little which Luna doesn't understand.]
[Lincoln tries to get back to his game, but there's a suddenly explosion and the smoke alarm goes off; Lisa comes out of her room.]
Lincoln: [concerned] "What was that?!"
Lisa: "It's science. You wouldn't understand." [just then, a tentacle grabs Lisa and drags her back in.] "AAH!" [the door closes.]
Lincoln: "Just keep it on a leash!"
[Just before he can resume his game, he finds Lily on top of a bookshelf throwing books on the floor and walking over to the edge of the shelf and starts climbing to save her.]
Lincoln: "LILY! STOP!"
[Lily walks over the edge and Lincoln catches her; at that moment, Lana casts a fishing rod right into the fish tank.]
Lincoln: "Lana! You can't fish in there! Those are pets." [notices Lily escaped and uses Lana's fishing rod to reel her back in.]
[Lynn comes in with a bucket of dirt and pours the dirt on the floor.]
Lincoln: "Lynn! What are you doing?"
Lynn: "Can't ride a dirt bike without dirt."
Lincoln: "Give me that bucket!"
[Suddenly, Lincoln is in a crossfire of pizza slices and waffles tossed by Lana and Lucy who are having a food fight; he shields himself with a cookie sheet and the pizza and waffles plaster all over it and make a rather gorgeous painting which impresses him; Lynn is pouring water from the hose all over the carpet and then gets pegged by an incoming gourd; the hose then starts going wild; Leni is on the phone while Luan is still chasing her with her rubber spider.]
Leni: "Hi, exterminator guy! Do you do spiders?" [sees the hose] "Ew! What about water snakes?"
[The hose squirts Luan but she resumes chasing Leni; Lincoln trips over the telephone wire and lands in the mud and notices Lucy built a fort of diapers.]
Lincoln: "Lucy! What are you doing with all those diapers?"
[Lana screams like a madman and fires a barrage of meatballs.]
Lucy: "Incoming." [gets down]
Lincoln: [takes cover with her only for their fort wall to be damaged.] "Diaper wall breach!"
[Lana fires a cupcake at them, but Lucy stops it by plugging up the hole with Lily's butt; Lily giggles.]
Luna: "FOR THOSE ABOUT TO ROCK!!!" [sets her amps to "Super Max" and has fireworks all set up for a big finale.]
Lincoln: "LUNA!" [slow motion] "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-"
[Too late; Luna plays a chord and the noise blasts Lincoln right into the wall which leaves a dent of unsightly residue; just then, Lori's taunting words echo in his mind.]
Echo Lori: "Lincoln in charge? Ha! He couldn't lead Cliff to the litter box."
[Cliff is right next to his litter box, but goes on the fireplace instead.]
Lincoln: [irked] "Oh, really, Cliff?" [gets steamed up; unplugs Luna's amps] "No guitar playing..." [takes Lana's food] "...no food fights..." [stops Lynn from riding her bike in the house] "...no dirt bikes, and no science experiments!" [takes Lisa's beakers and tosses them, causing an explosion.]
[The others aren't too happy with Lincoln suddenly changing his mind.]
Lynn: "Who do you think you are? Lori?
[They all start laughing at him and go back to enjoying their Friday night.]
Lincoln: "No. I'm not." [realizing] "Lori!" [heads to Lori's room only to be stopped by Lola.]
Lola: "Hey! No one goes in, no one comes out! Boss's orders!"
Lincoln: "Those were my orders! Let me in!"
Lola: "I'm gonna need you to step back, sir."
Lincoln: "Sorry about this, Lola." [charges at Lola with a war cry; Lola whacks him with the golf club and knocks him out.]
[As soon as Lincoln comes to, he sees that Lola tied him up like they tied Lori up.]
Lola: "Uh, no no no. I'm sorry, Lincoln. ANYONE ELSE?!" [beat] "I DIDN'T THINK SO!"
[Lincoln can't break free and sees Geo.]
Lincoln: "Geo! You want a treat, boy?" [Geo rolls over to get the treats.] "They're in my back pocket. Come on. Get 'em!" [Geo starts gnawing on the rope.] "Little more." [Geo bites in a soft spot.] "YOW! Too far!" [Geo gets him free.] "Good boy." [gives him a treat.]
[Meanwhile, Lori has somehow already broken free of her rope bindings and is filing her nails.]
Lincoln: "Lori! Lori!" [climbs in through window.]
Lori: "Ha! I knew you wouldn't last five minutes."
Lincoln: [despondently] "It's only been five minutes?" [gets it together] "It's a mad house down there! You've got to help me!"
Lori: "Nah. I'm thinkin' Lincoln. You handle it."
Lincoln: "I can't! You're the only one who can keep this house from ending up in a pile of rubble." [Luna's fireworks go off] "Or ashes."
Lincoln: "I couldn't lead Cliff to the litter box."
Lincoln: "I'm sorry."
Lori: "That's all I needed to hear." [puts on military shades] "Let's roll!"
[They open the door with Lola still standing guard.]
Lincoln: "I don't know how to get past her. She's an animal."
[Lori covers his mouth, holds up a pile of glitter, and blows it in Lola's direction.]
Lola: [giddily chases after the sparkly cloud] "GLITTER!!!"
Lincoln: [impressed] "Glitter. Nice."
[They go downstairs where Lincoln shows Lori the chaos caused by their sisters' antics.]
Lincoln: [scared] "See what I mean?!"
Lori: "Observe." [busts out her whistle and blows it and gets their attention.] "MOM AND DAD ARE GONNA BE HOME IN 10 MINUTES!"
[The other sisters hurry and get to cleaning up the mess they made.]
Lori: "Yeah, you learn a few tricks as you get older." [hears her phone ringing and answers it] "Hello? Uh-huh. Sure. Okay. Bye." [hangs up]
Lincoln: "Who was that?"
Lori: "Mom and Dad. They're gonna be home in 10 minutes."
Lincoln: [panicking] "WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO?!"
Lori: "I got this. Luna. A little clean up music?"
Luna: "You got it, sis!"
[Three colorful boxes, one red, one yellow, and one purple are shown with Luna preparing to start the montage; she is also colored in to match the boxes like in the show's opening.]
Luna: "1, 2, 3!"
[Lori blows her whistle and everyone does what they can to clean the house; Lana puts the fish back in the tank, Lisa scrubs up the living room with a soap cannon and the help of her tentacle friend; Leni and Luan untangle the phone wire; Lynn uses the hose to clean the kitchen and then puts it outside; Cliff is about to go on the carpet, but Lori glares at him and he obeys to go in his litter box; Lola ties up some trash and Lynn yanks it up on her dirt bike; Lincoln fishes out Lily's diaper and puts it on her; they do the finish touches and carry everything else away as if the house was the same as it was when their parents left.]
Luna: "GOODNIGHT, LOUD HOUSE!"
[The other sisters go back to their rooms after a crazy Friday night; their parents are approaching and just as it seems all is well, there's still a dent in the wall from Lincoln's impact caused by Luna's power chord.]
Lincoln: [gasps] "The wall!" [sees the painting from the food fight] "Lori! Catch!" [tosses it to Lori.]
[Lori catches it and puts it right over the dent; their parents enter.]
Lynn Sr.: "Wow! I can't believe the house is still standing!"
Lincoln: "What'd you expect? Lori's in charge."
Rita: "So, what are you guys up to?"
Lori: "Oh, we were just about to play a video game. You can't say "no" all the time."
Rita: "Oh, and look at this lovely piece of food art the kids made."
[All seems well and Lori and Lincoln begin to play some Super Mega Brawlers Turbo Fighter XXIV. But...]
Lynn Sr.: [screams] "WHAT HAPPENED TO MY GOLF CLUB?!"
[Lori and Lincoln realize they forgot something and are gonna get it.]
| v - e - d The Loud House episode transcripts