The following is a transcript for the episode "Mall of Duty".
[The Rip Hardcore show is on; he is leaping through the trees]
Rip: "Now, remember, Rippers, if you want to hunt down critters, use the four D's: Droppings, Disturbances, Dens and Diet." [comes across a pile of poop and smells it] "Mmm...emu droppings. And it's still warm. With a little luck and my tracking bandanna..." [puts on said bandanna] "...I'll be eating emu stew in no time." [howls]
[It's revealed that Lincoln and his younger sisters are watching it]
Lola: "Ew! Who is this poop sniffing weirdo?"
Lincoln: "Rip Hardcore is not a weirdo, Lola. He happens to be the world's leading expert in wilderness survival." [holds up his book with such a title] "And a pretty cool guy to boot."
Lola: "I'll give you a boot if you don't change it back to the "Power Hour of Princess Time"!"
Lynn Sr.: "Lynn Jr., let's go! You're late for Rugby!"
[Lynn comes down the stairs in her Rugby gear]
Lynn: "Think fast, Dad!" [chucks her ball at her dad] "AWOO!" [runs to the car]
Rita: "Lori, Leni, Luna, Luan, hurry up! The school Open House started five minutes ago! Ugh, these kids. Where are they?"
[Vanzilla honks and it's revealed that the aforementioned daughters are already in; Lori waves to her mom]
Rita: "Oh. They're waiting for me."
Lynn Sr.: "Thanks for taking care of your little sisters today, Lincoln. You're really helping us out of a jam."
Rita: [looks at her watch] "We'll be back by 5:00. We are proud of you for being so responsible."
[The parents leave and a commercial comes on a second later]
Rip: "Hey there, Rippers. My Hardcore Mall Tour is coming to a mall near you. Today..."
Robotic voiceover: "Saturday."
Rip: "...I'll be signing copies of my new survival guide at..."
Robotic voiceover: "The Royal Woods Mall."
Lincoln: [gasps] Rip is at the Royal Woods Mall today? I gotta go get my book signed! If I'm home by 5:00, they'll never have to know. [to his younger sisters] Who wants to go to the mall?"
[The mall; the kids are waiting in line]
Lana: "Ugh. Lincoln, this is lame. Can't we go do something fun?"
Lincoln: "Right after we wait in this really short line to get Rip's autograph."
Lucy: "Is the really short line at the end of this really long line?"
[Pan-out to show the ridiculous length of the line]
Lincoln: "How about we play a game? I Spy. I'll go first. I spy..."
Lisa: "Someone who is not keeping his sisters intellectually stimulated."
Tough guy: [laughs] "Burn."
[Lincoln glares at him]
Lincoln: "How about 20 Questions? Lola, you first. Person, place, or thing?"
Lincoln: [covering Lily's ears] "Alive or dead?"
Lola: [looks at her brother, observingly] "Alive...for now. But he's pushing his luck!"
Lincoln: "Okay..." [takes out his yo-yo] "...how about we take a trip around the world?" [twirls it around and slips it right on the tough guy's eye] "Oh. Sorry." [takes his yo-yo back]
Lucy: "Lincoln, you've tortured us long enough. We're leaving."
[The younger sisters sans Lily prepare to leave]
Lincoln: [stops them] "No, wait!"
Flip: "Flippees for sale! Buy one, get a second one at the exact same price!"
[Lincoln goes to the Flippee stand and gets some for his sisters]
Lincoln: "Okay..." [hands two to Lola and Lana] "...you two get raspberry..." [gives two to Lisa and Lily] "...you two get lime..." [gives one to Lucy] "...you get black..." [gives one to the big guy] "...and a lemon Flippee for the good-natured gentleman in back of us."
[The guy takes a sip, but...]
Tough guy: "This isn't lemon. It's banana."
Lincoln: "Well, who doesn't love banana?"
Tough guy: [breaks out in hives] "People who have banana allergies!"
Lana: "I finished my Flippee! I gotta pee."
Lucy: "Me too."
Lola: "Me three!"
Lisa: "Uh, I, too, need to see a man about a horse."
Lincoln: [frantically thinking] "Uh...um..." [to the big guy] "Can you save our place while I take them to the bathroom? Please?"
Tough guy: "Sure, kid. No problem."
Lincoln: "Thanks. Let's go."
[They all rush to the bathroom]
[They come back]
Lincoln: "Thanks again."
Tough guy: [stops the kids] "Excuse me? I've never seen you before! Of course, my eyes are pretty swollen from these hives, so..."
Lincoln: "I'm really sorry about that."
Tough guy: "Back of the line, pal!"
Lincoln: "But the line's, like, twice as long now!"
[The girls groan in frustration and they all go back to the increasingly long line]
Lincoln: "I know this looks bad, but we'll be there before you know it."
Lady: [coming by with her signed book] "Oh, yes! That two-hour wait was so worth it!" [howls]
Scoots: "Two hours? Rip's my BAE, but nobody keeps Scoots waiting. I'm getting a soft pretzel." [drives off]
Lucy: "Forget it, Lincoln. We're done with this line."
[The train ride toots its horn, catching Lincoln's attention]
Lincoln: "Yes you are!"
[The little sisters are now in the train]
Lincoln: "All aboard!" [gets out a quarter] "It's my treat." [puts it in the slot and the ride starts]
Lola: "Lincoln, we're bored."
Lincoln: [warily] "Of course you're bored. You aren't wearing your conductor hats!" [gives them each a hat which only Lily likes]
Lola: "This is unsanitary."
Lisa: [sarcastic] "Oh, yes. This makes all the difference."
Lincoln: "Then let's go for the 20-ride special!" [puts all his quarters in the slot, causing it to shake a little, and gets back back in line and waits a really, really, really long time till he's next] "Yes! I'm next!" [to his sisters still on the train] "Hang tight, guys! I'll be right back!" [goes in nervously]
Rip: "How's it going, buddy?" [gets no response from Lincoln] "I, uh, see you've got a copy of my book there. Would you like me to sign it?" [still no response] "I'll just take that." [takes Lincoln's book and signs Your mate, Rip Hardcore in it and gives it back] "Rippin' to meet ya."
[Lincoln scuttles out of the book store, regains his nerves, and looks at his watch]
Lincoln: "Now I just gotta grab my sisters and get home." [goes back to the train ride] "Okay, guys, now we can do whatever you..." [sees the train is gone] "Where'd they go?" [keeps calm] "Don't panic. Just follow the wheel marks." [follows them, but bumps into a janitor who is cleaning the floor with a floor sweeper] "How am I ever going to track them down?" [realizes] "Wait! Track!" [looks in the book] "How to purify urine...how to build a fire with toenails... Ah! How to track animals in the wild. With a little luck, my tracking bandanna, and the Four D's, I'll find my sisters in no time." [howls and begins his search] "Disturbances, dens, diet..." [notices something] "Oh! Droppings." [dips a half-eaten corn dog in the droppings and it disintegrates] "Just as I suspected: Lisa's chemicals. She can't be far."
[The trail leads him to the appliance store that a ton of people flee in terror screaming, revealing a robot created by none other than Lisa]
Lisa: "Greetings, brother. The devices in this store were highly inefficient. They only performed one task each. So I combined them into one appliance that can do anything."
Appliance Robot: [showing some demos] "CRUSHED ICE? PRESSED SHIRT?"
Lincoln: "Uh...where are our sisters?"
Lisa: "I am uncertain. I was ejected from the train when we took a sharp turn at the sofa store. It was clearly overstimulated by the excessive quarters you fed it."
Lincoln: "Come on! We have to find them!" [takes Lisa and moves out; finds another D] "Oh! Disturbances."
Lisa: "What are you babbling about?"
Lincoln: "Rip says..." [he quotes as a picture of Rip appears in the corner of the screen] "...you can tell if an animal has been around by a disturbance in the environment. Look!"
[They look at a clothing store and find one mannequin wearing a gothic style outfit accompanied by a familiar spooky fanfare]
Lincoln and Lisa: "Lucy."
[Lucy is giving Flip a fortune]
Flip: "Alright, little psychic girl, give me some good news."
Lucy: [looking into her crystal ball] "Ohmmmm...your business will soon make a big splash."
Lincoln: [grabs her] "Sorry, folks, no more fortunes today."
Flip: "Sweet! A great fortune, and I don't have to pay!" [drinks his Flippee]
Lincoln: "No droppings, no disturbances..." [stops] "Wait a minute. Den! Rip says..." [Rip square appears again] "...you can track a creature by finding its natural habitat."
[Rip gives Lincoln a thumbs up and they notice the Princess Palace]
Lincoln, Lisa and Lucy: "Lola."
[They go inside and find a bunch of kids looking at Lola who is sitting on a throne]
Lincoln: "Lola, playtime's over. We gotta go."
Lola: "That's no way to speak to your queen! Send him to the dungeon!"
[The other kids get ready to attack Lincoln]
Lincoln: "Lola, wait! I just came to tell you, uh...there's another queen outside who says she's more powerful than you."
Lola: "What? Well, I'll have her head!"
[They charge out of the store and find nothing]
Lola: "There's no one here. You lied! Well played, sir."
Lincoln: "Let's move out."
[The others follow while Lola stops]
Lola: [to her subjects] "Take care of my kingdom!" [leaves]
[They continue and Lincoln finds some bones]
Lincoln: "Aha! I found another D: Diet!"
Lucy: "Lincoln, that's not human food."
Lincoln: "It is if the human is..."
[They all notice they're right by the pet shop]
Lincoln, Lisa, Lucy, and Lola: "Lana."
[Lincoln enters and finds Lana in a duck pen]
Lincoln: "Lana, out. Let's go."
Lana: "No can do, Lincoln. I gotta keep these duck eggs warm."
[The eggs hatch into ducklings; Lana comes out of the pen]
Lincoln: [shakes her hand] "Congratulations."
[They leave and the ducks come out of their pen]
Lincoln: [looking at his watch] "Okay, we still have time to get home before Mom and Dad."
Lucy: "So, we're just leaving Lily here?"
Lincoln: "Gah! Lily! I totally forgot! Where is she?"
Lana: "Probably still on the train. She really liked that train."
[The train comes whizzing by with Lily still riding it]
Lincoln: [puts his other sisters on a bench] "You guys stay here." [runs off]
[The ducklings suddenly appear and leap into Lana's arms. The train whizzes past Scoots who is at Flip's stand with Lincoln trying to catch up]
Lincoln: "Um, excuse me, Ms. Scoots. Could you give me a ride, please? I need to catch that train."
Scoots: "Uh, that sounds like a "you" problem."
Lincoln: [gets out his book] "Look, you didn't get an autograph from Rip, right? How about if I give you mine?"
Scoots: "My BAE signed this? Deal!" [takes the book, gives Lincoln a helmet, puts him on and drives] "OUTTA THE WAY, MOUTH-BREATHERS!"
[The train goes around the mall with Scoots in hot pursuit. They catch up and Lincoln hops aboard, going one car at a time, but just as he's about to grab Lily, the engine and the cars separate and go down different paths. Lincoln uses his yo-yo as a rope to swing into the engine. They crash into many kiosks, including Flip's. Flip falls into the fountain]
Flip: "Spooky psychic girl was right. My business did make a big splash."
[Lincoln gets Lily off the train]
Lola: "Good job, Linky."
Lincoln: "Thanks. Well, we'd better get going."
Lucy: "Wait. What happened to your signed book? Isn't that the whole reason we came here?"
Lincoln: "I gave it to Scoots so she'd help me catch Lily."
Lisa: [remorseful] "Oh, sorry, big brother. For reasons incomprehensible to me, I know that autograph was important to you."
Lincoln: "Not as important as you guys. I never should have dragged you here in the first place. I was supposed to be responsible for you." [takes off his bandanna] "I'm sorry."
Lana: "It's okay, big brother. We forgive you."
Lola: [skeptical] "Ish."
Lincoln: "Let's go home."
[They get ready to leave]
Appliance Robot: "May I come with?"
Lisa: "Negatory. Your services are needed more here than in my home. This mall requires a thorough clean-up. Make me proud."
[She leaves and the robot gets to work]
[Back home, the kids are doing what they did before they left as if nothing happened, and their parents and older sisters return]
Rita: "Hey, guys. We're home."
Lynn Sr.: "Lincoln, guess what? We stopped at the mall, and Rip Hardcore was there signing books! We know you're a big fan, so we got you one." [gives Lincoln an autographed book]
[Lincoln opens it up and finds the autograph there]
Rita: "A little thank you for helping us out today. It's so great that we can count on you."
Lincoln: [guilty] "Actually, I have to tell you something. The truth is-"
Lana: [shuts him up] "He let us jump on the bed."
Lucy: "But only because we kept bugging him."
Lisa: "Lincoln was a top-rate babysitter."
Lola: "I give him a 9 out of 10."
Lynn Sr.: [chuckles] "I think we can live with that."
[The parents leave]
Lincoln: "What'd ya do that for?"
Lana: "That was my little thank you for letting us keep the ducklings."
Lincoln: [aghast] "Wait, what?!"
[Lucy, Lola, and Lisa each hold up a duckling, showing that they came with them and mama Lana]
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