The following is a transcript for the episode "Lock 'N' Loud".
[The episode begins with Lynn Sr. and Rita pulling in the driveway.]
Rita: "I am so glad we signed up for those ballroom dance classes."
Lynn Sr.: "Me too. One tango lesson and I am a pro." [Scats as he spins Rita but she ends up crashing into a shrub.]
Rita: "Ow! Ow! Thorns!"
Lynn Sr.: "Doh! Oh, sorry! Sorry! I'll get the first aid kit!" [Goes to unlock the door but it is already opened and he growls in frustration.] "Those darn kids!" [bursts inside the house which attracts the siblings' attention.] "I have told you guys a million times: you gotta lock the doors at night."
Luna: "Come on, Pops. What's the big whoop?"
Lynn Sr.: "Oh, I'll tell you what the big whoop is. There've been some burglaries in the neighborhood and I don't want us to be next. So PLEASE! JUST! LOCK! THE! DANG! DOOR! It's not that hard!" [He locks the door as he says that and walks off, forgetting about Rita who is still stuck outside.]
Rita: "Uh, honey?"
[Later, the siblings are in Lori and Leni's room.]
Lincoln: [concerned] "Listen, guys. Dad's right. We need to start acting responsible or we're gonna lose all our stuff."
Luna: [worried] "I don't wanna lose my ax." [Luna imagines a burglar creeping into Luna and Luan's bedroom window and stealing her guitar. Cut back to reality as Luna clutches her guitar.]
Lana: [worried] "I don't wanna lose mine, either." [Lana imagines the same burglar yanking Lana's axe from a stump and falling over in the process. Cut back to reality as Lana clutches her axe.]
Lucy: [worried] "I don't want to lose my soulmate." [Lucy imagines the burglar grabbing Edwin's bust from the window. Cut back to reality as Lucy clutches Edwin.]
Luan: [worried] "And I don't want to lose mine, either." [Luan imagines herself with Mr. Coconuts until a hand snatches Mr. Coconuts from Luan. Cut back to reality as Luan clutches Mr. Coconuts.]
Lisa: [worried] "I don't want to lose my life's work." [Lisa imagines the burglar popping out from a drawer and swiping Lisa's chemistry set into the bag. Cut back to reality as Lisa clutches her chemistry set.]
Leni: [scared] "I don't want to lose mine, either." [Leni imagines her life's work, which turns out to a kiddie's jigsaw puzzle being swiped by the burglar who is hanging from the ceiling. Cut back to reality as Leni clutches her jigsaw.]
Lincoln: "Well, if we wanna protect our stuff, locking the door isn't enough. We gotta lock this place down!"
[The sisters cheer in delight]
Lily: [holds her toy keys] "Ga-ga!"
[The next day, Clyde arrives at the Loud House but is stopped by Bobby who is dressed in his mall cop uniform and riding a Segway.]
Bobby: "State your name and business."
Clyde: "Bobby? What's going on?"
Bobby: "New security measures. Lori asked me to protect Casa Loud. So come on, Clyde: name and business."
Clyde: "Sure, but...wait. You just said my name."
Bobby: "Do we have a problem here?"
Lori: [from her bedroom window] "It's okay, Boo Boo Bear. I'll vouch for him. Go ahead, Clyde."
Clyde: [lovesick] "Thanks, L-L-Lori. She vouched for me." [breathes into his paper bag as he walks inside but as he enters, two foghorns and a siren go off, causing him to yelp.]
Lisa: [runs up and switches the alarms off] "Splendid! My motion sensors are working perfectly."
[Clyde starts to walk up the stairs but he accidentally sets off a laser beam, which turns the stairs into a slope. Clyde lets out a scream as he tumbles back down.]
Lisa: "Excellent. My staircase ramp is also working. Now to check the alligator pit" [brings out a remote and smiles deviously at Clyde.]
Clyde: [alarmed] "Noooooooooo!" [quickly races up the stairs]
[Lincoln is looking through his blinds when Clyde enters the room.]
Clyde: [salutes] "Agent McBride reporting for duty."
Lincoln: "Welcome to the Command Center, McBride. Anything goes down in Royal Woods, we'll be the first to know about it."
Clyde: [presents two cups of coffee] "Coffee?"
Lincoln: "You read my mind." [Lincoln and Clyde drink the coffee but both hate the taste and end up spitting it back out all over each other.] "I'll go get us some juice. And some napkins."
Woman over scanner "Attention, all units! We've got an 11-25 at 7 Mile and Oak."
Clyde: "An 11-25? What's that?"
Lincoln: [reads a police code book] "Failure to pick up dog poop."
Clyde: "This used to be a nice town."
[Later, Lincoln exits his bedroom and is surprised to see Lucy taking Edwin into the bathroom and Luna doing the same with her loud speakers. Lisa looks on.]
Lincoln: "Uh, what's going on?"
Lisa: "Brother, if you have valuables to protect, you can store them in the safe room."
Lincoln: "Why is the bathroom the safe room?"
Lisa: "Because of the cameras I installed last year."
Lincoln: [shocked] "You installed cameras?!"
Lisa: [unconvincingly] "Noooo..." [puts on a devious smile, which indicates she's lying and walks away.]
Luan: [walks into the bathroom with Mr. Coconuts] "I think it's the perfect place to dump our stuff." [laughs] "Get it?" [as Mr. Coconuts] "Whoa, Toots! You're leaving me locked in here with Count Creepy?"
Lucy: [sighs] "Please, Edwin is the one who should be complaining."
Lincoln: [unsure] "Okay..."
Lynn: [off-screen] "It's the burglar!"
[Lincoln, alarmed by this rushes to Lynn and Lucy's bedroom, only to find Lynn, Leni and Lola dressed in karate outfits and a dummy made to look like a burglar.]
Lynn: "Leni, what's your first move?"
Leni: [flirting with the dummy] "Hey! So, like, how long have you been burgling?"
Lynn: [annoyed] "What are you doing?"
Leni: "Breaking the ice. He's cute." [takes a selfie with the dummy]
Lynn: [groans] "Okay. Lola, this burglar just stole your tiaras."
[Upon hearing this, Lola roars angrily and attacks the dummy, much to Lynn's satisfaction.]
Leni: [upset] "Lola! I think he liked me!"
[Lincoln is in the kitchen when a hooded figure tries to break in through the window.]
Lincoln: [gasps] "The burglar!" [grabs a banana which he uses as a gun but the hooded figure is revealed to be Lana.]
Lana: "Chill, banana boy! I'm training Charles to be a vicious guard dog!" [imitating a burglar] "I'm the burglar! Attack, boy!" [But Charles just lies there and yawns so Lana grabs a handful of his dog food.] "Look, I'm stealing your food!" [eats the food but Charles lies on his back and falls asleep; frustrated.] "Charles! Mmm! What is this? Chipped beef?" [continues to eat Charles' food while Lincoln just stares awkwardly at the audience.]
[That night, Lynn Sr. and Rita are going to dance class again.]
Lynn Sr.: "Got my dancing shoes on and I am ready to get down and get back up again." [does a dance when Bobby comes]
Bobby: "State your names and business. Sorry, new security measures." [holds up a sheet of paper explaining the new measures.]
Lynn Sr.: "You hear that, honey? New security measures. I think I've really gotten through to the kids. Thank you, Bobby."
Bobby: "Sorry, Mr. and Mrs. Loud, but before you go dancing, I really do need your names and business."
Rita: "Uh, you just said our names and business."
Bobby: [facepalms] "Dang it! I gotta stop doing that."
[Later, Lincoln and Clyde are asleep when a voice on the scanner wakes them up.]
Woman over scanner: "Attention, all units! We've got a 10-15 at 8 Mile and Lindbrook."
Clyde: [horrified] "10-15? Oh no! I missed my curfew!"
Lincoln: "No, Clyde, that's a code." [reads the book and gasps in excitement before coming out of his room.] "You guys! They caught the burglar!"
[All the sisters, except Leni, cheer in delight.]
Leni: [looks at her smartphone] "Oh, Donny, we should have run off to Mexico while we had the chance."
[Later, Lynn Sr. and Rita return from dance class.]
Lynn Sr.: "I tell you, honey. One lesson in the hustle and I am a pro." [Scats as he spins Rita but she ends up falling over and getting covered in mud.]
Rita: "Ow. Why don't you hustle in and get me a towel?"
Lynn Sr.: [Goes to unlock the door but once again finds it is already opened.] "Ah, come on!"
[The siblings are removing their belongings from the bathroom.]
Luan: [as Mr. Coconuts] "Eddie, baby, call me! We'll do lunch. What? He's spooky but he's got a heart of porcelain."
Lynn Sr.: "Guys, I just found the door wide open! What gives?"
Lincoln: "Oh, we're sorry, Dad. But we don't have to worry anymore. They caught the burglar!"
Lynn Sr.: "That's peachy, son, but there could be other burglars out there."
Lisa: "Actually, Father, based on Royal Woods' crime rates per capita, that is statistically unlikely."
Lincoln: "Yeah, I've been listening to the scanner all day and the worst crime I've heard about is someone not picking up their dog poop."
Lana: [excitedly] "Where? I'll pick it up!"
Lynn Sr. "But kids..." [The siblings just walk off, telling their father not to worry; annoyed.] "Why does nobody listen to me?"
[He goes to lock the door, once again forgetting about Rita who is still stuck outside.]
Rita: "Uh, honey?"
[The next night]
Lynn Sr. "Off to dance class, kids! Please, keep the door locked while we're gone."
[The kids just murmur that they'll do that, Lynn Sr. sighs as he and Rita leave. Just seconds after they've gone...]
Mr. Grouse: [off-screen] "Help! Help! I've been robbed!"
[Upon hearing this, the siblings quickly rush next door.]
Lincoln: "Mr. Grouse, what happened?"
Mr. Grouse: [distraught] "They cleaned me out! My polka records! My black and white TV! My encyclopedias! All gone!" [walks back inside and closes the door]
Lori: "I literally don't know what any of those things are."
Lucy: "Dad was right. There are other burglars."
Twins: [worried] "And our house could be next!"
Lincoln: [determined] "Not if we have anything to say about it!"
[The siblings place their belongings back into the bathroom.]
Luan: [as Mr. Coconuts] "Eddie, baby! I bought my Pinochle deck!" [Mr. Coconuts tosses a deck of card in the air but is horrified to see them scatter on the floor.]
Leni: [holding a bottle of perfume] "You guys! I found a deadly spray to use against the burglar. See? "Fatal Encounter"."
Lori: "Leni, that's a perfume sample."
Lisa: "Siblings, I'm enhancing my security system. I need a retina scan." [scans Lori and Leni's retinas before holding two plastic containers.] "I also need a stool sample."
Lori: [suspiciously] "For your security system?"
Lisa: "Uh...sure, that's it!" [gives another devious smile]
[In the kitchen, Lincoln and Clyde are filling a vat with hot bacon grease.]
Lincoln: ""Operation Grease Release" is a-go! Let's get this baby upstairs."
Clyde: "What do we do with all the bacon?" [the camera reveals a stack of bacon on the table.]
Lincoln: "That's a high class problem to have, my friend."
[Just as Lincoln and Clyde leave with the vat, Charles runs into the kitchen with Lana chasing after him.]
[Suddenly Charles spots the bacon and starts eating it.]
Lana: "You're supposed to chomp burglar butts, not bacon! [groans] I should have trained the cat."
[Lola has set up a spotlight to monitor the house whilst Lucy and Lily dig a ditch, Luna places barbed wire around the ditch and Luan place several mousetraps off-screen.]
Luan: "These will put a ro-dent in the burglar's plan." [laughs] "Get it? They're mousetraps."
[Lucy and Lily just look annoyed]
Luna: [annoyed] "Really, dude?"
Luan: [gets caught by a mousetrap off-screen] "Ow!"
[Bobby is patrolling the area when Lynn and her Roller Derby team roll up.]
Lynn: "Hey, Bobby, my roller derby team is gonna help you patrol."
Bobby: "Hmm. Do they have any policing experience?"
Lynn: "No, but they can do this."
[Two of her teammates then proceed to biff into Bobby who falls over.]
Bobby: [groaning] "You're hired!"
[Later, Lynn Sr. and Rita return and are shocked to see the now fortified house. Lola shines a spotlight on them but recognizes them and the gate opens to let them in. Just as, Lynn Sr. and Rita get out of the van, Bobby and Lisa, who is also dressed in police attire, come up to them.]
Lisa: "Good evening, parental units! We are going to need to conduct a routine body search."
Rita: [shocked] "What in the world is going on?"
Lynn: "Mr. Grouse got robbed! We had to beef up security!"
Lola: "We used your credit card."
Lynn Sr.: "Kids, I'm glad you're taking this seriously but you may have gone a little overboard."
Rita: [being scanned by Lisa and feeling annoyed] "A little?"
Lynn Sr.: "We don't need all this security. If we just lock the doors and windows, we'll be fine. Now, everyone to bed."
[The siblings, Bobby and the roller derby team leave.]
Lisa: "I'm still gonna need those stool samples."
[Later, a shadowy figure creeps out of the Loud House from the kitchen, runs past the barricade and comes up to Mr. Grouse's house. The figure is revealed to be Lynn Sr. holding a basket. Lynn Sr. knocks on the door and Mr. Grouse answers.]
Lynn Sr.: "Thanks for pretending to be robbed. I think my kids really learned their lesson." [hands Mr. Grouse the basket]
Mr. Grouse: "I would have scared them for free but I'll gladly take your muffins." [closes the door]
[Lynn Sr. runs back to the Loud House. In the kitchen, Leni, who is now in her nightgown, is getting a glass of water when she hears something. She goes to inspect but finds nothing so she closes the door.]"
Leni: [locks the door] "Lock! Dad would be so proud." [goes to bed]
[Lynn Sr. tries to get back inside but groans in frustration as he realizes the door is locked. He then steps onto a tricycle in an attempt to open the window. He struggles for a bit before yelping as he falls over. The noise attracts Lincoln's attention who looks outside his window but thinks his dad is a burglar.]
Lincoln: [gasps in horror and pulls a string which sets off bells in the other bedrooms, thus waking up the sisters and Rita. A police badge transition occurs with the scene shifting to the sisters standing outside Lincoln's room.] "Battle stations, guys! We've got a burglar on the premises!"
[The sisters gasp in horror]
Lori: [panicking] "Oh my gosh! What do we do? He's gonna take all our stuff!"
Lola: [slaps Lori with her glove] "Get it together, woman!"
Lori: "Thanks. I needed that." [threateningly] "But I'll get you back."
[The siblings waste no time in rushing off to set off their traps but Lana looks at Charles who is just lying there.]
Lana: [sarcastically] "Don't trouble yourself or anything, Charles."
[Lana walks off, leaving Charles to whimper. Meanwhile, Lynn Sr. tries to get back into the house via the basement but Luan blows an air horn, which startles him and gets covered in Luan's mousetraps, making him yelp "Ow!" a lot. Lincoln and Lynn are holding the vat of bacon grease from Luna and Luan's window.]
Lincoln: "Eat hot bacon grease!"
[As the vat is tipped, the grease is revealed to have been congealed and Lynn Sr.'s head is stuck inside.]
Lincoln: "Make that congealed bacon grease!"
[As Lynn Sr. gets up, Lola shines a spotlight on him. Lynn Sr. backs away but falls into the ditch. Bobby and the Roller Derby team approach him.]
Bobby: "Keep a tight formation, ladies! This is what we trained for!"
[The Roller Derby team then attacks Lynn Sr. just as the Loud siblings and Rita run up.]
Rita: "Wait! Wait! I recognize those dancing shoes! Off! Off!"
[The Roller Derby team stops attacking Lynn Sr. and Rita helps him out of the ditch.]
Siblings: [surprised] "DAD!?"
Lynn Sr. [nervously] "I...was just taking a walk and I got locked out."
[The siblings apologize to Lynn Sr. for attacking him.]
Mr. Grouse: [off-screen] "Hey, Loud!" [camera pans over to Mr. Grouse's window and his face is incredibly swollen.] "These muffins got walnuts in them! Next time you want to pay me off for pretending to be robbed, how about giving me something I'm not allergic to?"
Lincoln: "Pretending to be robbed?!"
Siblings: "Dad!" / "Our own father." / "You lied to us?" / "Bogus move, Dad." / "That's not funny."/ [The siblings and Rita angrily scold Lynn Sr. for lying.]
Lynn Sr. [sighs] "I'm sorry, everyone. I was just trying to teach you to lock the dang door. I just want to protect my most important valuables: you guys."
Siblings and Rita: "Awwww!" [hug Lynn Sr. in forgiveness]
Siblings: "Okay, Dad, we'll lock the door." / "You're the greatest." / "Love you."
[Suddenly Charles spots two rashers of bacon on Lynn Sr.'s butt and charges. Everyone, except Lynn Sr., get out of the way.]
Lynn Sr. [as Charles bites him off-screen] "OUCH!"
Lana: [satisfied] "Finally!"
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