The following is a transcript for the episode "It's a Loud, Loud, Loud, Loud, House".
[Lincoln is looking around and sneaking about in the living room and leaps onto the sofa.]
Lincoln: "Money. In the Loud House, there just isn't a lot of it to go around." [searches between the cushions and gets wads of chewed gum on his fingers.] "Ew!" [shakes it off and pulls out a pair of dirty underwear and tosses it.] "Grody! Which is why, if you happen to find some, even the smallest amount...you gotta keep it to yourself." [finds a quarter] "Jackpot!" [kisses it]
[Just then, his sisters happen to come across him and his coin.]
Lola: "We heard money! A dime! No, a quarter!"
Lincoln: "That's impossible. Money doesn't make a sound."
Luan: "Haven't you ever heard the expression "Money talks" [laughs at rimshot]
Luna: "And that quarter is saying, "Hand me over, bro!"
Lana: "It's mine!"
Leni: "Guys, let's just split it 40/40!"
Lincoln: "No! None of you are getting it! I found it in the couch fair and square!"
Lynn: "Wait a second! If there was one quarter down there, then maybe there's more!"
[The girls all then pounce on Lincoln and fight over the quarter and the possibility of more under the sofa while Cliff runs off from the fight. Enter their parents.]
Rita: "What are they fighting over this time? A nickel under the ottoman?"
Lynn Sr.: "Nope. A quarter down the sofa."
Rita: "We better stop them before they start biting."
[Lola bites Lincoln]
Lincoln: "Ow! Lola!"
Lynn Sr.: "Too late." [whistles and gets them to stop] "ALL RIGHT, EVERYBODY GET UPSTAIRS AND CLEAN THE ATTIC! That's punishment for fighting over money!"
[The kids all groan and acquiesce.]
Luan: "That punishment makes no cents." [laughs to rimshot]
Lynn Sr.: "Upstairs!" [to Rita] "But that was a good one."
Lynn Sr.: "AND I WANT THAT WHOLE ATTIC SPARKLING! EVEN THE BACK CORNER!"
[The kids look on to see the horror that is the back corner.]
Lucy: "But the back corner was my secret dark place."
Lola: "It's Lincoln's fault we're up here, so he can do it!"
Lynn Sr.: "AND WATCH OUT FOR THAT LOOSE FLOORBOARD!"
Lincoln: "What loose floorboard?" [steps on it and gets hit in the face by it.] "Stupid loose floorboard..." [puts it back and notices an envelope.] "Hey, what's this?" [opens it up and finds a letter.]
"Dear Future Residents of 1216 Franklin Avenue, my family always fought over money, so I decided to leave my fortune for you in the hope that you will share it. For a clue on where the money is hidden, reflect upon what I said here. Signed, Mrs. Sharon DeMonet, the original owner.
Lincoln: [gasps] "Hey, guys! Check it out! I found this letter from the original owner! She says she's hidden money in the house!"
Lori: [disbelieving] "Yeah, right, Lincoln. Quit stalling. You're not getting out of cleaning the attic."
Leni, Luna, Luan, Lynn, Lucy, Lana, Lola, and Lisa: "YEAH!!!"
Lincoln: "Fine! I'll just do it by myself, and when I do, it'll be all mine." [steps on and gets hit by the loose floorboard again.]
[When Lincoln comes to, he sees that his sisters are gone.]
Lincoln: "Where'd everybody go?"
[Lisa is using a metal detector in the hall.]
Lincoln: "Lisa? What are you doing?"
Lisa: "Uh...just calibrating my dumb human detector." [uses it on Lincoln] "Calibrated." [awkwardly leaves]
Lynn: [holding Lucy inside the laundry chute.] "Lucy...see anything?"
Lincoln: "Lynn! What are you doing?"
[Lincoln's question causes Lynn to drop Lucy down the chute and scream and land with a thud.]
Lynn: [nervously] "Who? Me? No no. Just putting laundry down the chute."
Lincoln: [suspicious] "Laundry doesn't scream and go thud."
Lynn: [threateningly] "No, but nosy brothers do."
Lincoln: [backing away scared] "Okay. Okay."
Lynn: [opens the chute] "SORRY, LUCE!"
Lucy: "That's okay! I found a new secret dark place!"
[Lincoln goes downstairs and sees Lola pacing about.]
Lincoln: [suspiciously] "Looking for something, Lola?"
Lola: "Uh... no. I'm just...practicing for the...uh..." [grabs a chimney sweep] "...Little Miss Chimney Sweep Pageant." [grins nervous]
[Lincoln leaves and Lana pops out of the chimney covered in soot.]
Lana: "There's nothing up there."
Lola: "There's gotta be! Now keep looking!" [pushes Lana back up with the sweep.]
Luan: [down in the basement] "Hand me the flashlight."
[Lincoln overhears it. Luna and Luan are down in the basement checking the furnace and Lincoln comes down to check on this.]
Luna: "Quick! Hide!" [shoves Luan in the furnace.]
Luan: [inside] "Okay."
[Luna stands by whistling as Lincoln approaches.]
Lincoln: "What are you up to?"
Luna: "Just...um..." [busts out some repair tools] "...practicing my drums?" [bangs on the furnace]
Luan: [dazed from Luna's racket] "Can someone answer the ringing in my head?" [groans and faints]
[Meanwhile, in the crawlspace]
Lori: "Gross! What is this?"
Leni: "Get off my pumps!"
Lori: "I'm gonna pump your face if you don't move faster!"
Leni: "Let's just get this over with."
Lori: "Ugh! Why didn't Mrs. DeMonet just tell us where the money is?"
Leni: "I don't know. Let's ask her." [shines the flashlight on a skeleton.]
[They scream in horror.]
Lori: [calmly] "Wait. That's just a leftover Halloween decoration."
Lincoln: "Hey! What are you two doing?"
Lori: "Uh...we're just dusting!" [dusts with Leni's arm]
Leni: "Wait. I thought we were looking for the money."
Lincoln: "I KNEW IT!"
[Everyone has grouped together in the living room.]
Lincoln: "Okay, admit it, you're all looking for the money, aren't you?"
Lynn: "Uh, duh!"
Luna: "Heck, yes, we are!"
Luan: "Where'd you find your first clue, Sherlock?"
Lincoln: "You guys didn't even believe the money existed! I'm the one who should get it!"
Lori: "Forget that! I'm finding it for myself!"
Leni: "Not if I find it first!"
Luna: "Yeah, dream on!"
Lana: "It's mine!"
[They all start fighting again and pull Lincoln into the fray. Enter Lynn Sr. who whistles to get them to stop once more.]
Lynn Sr.: "Obviously, you haven't learned your lesson. Back to the attic!"
[The kids resume cleaning the attic and Lincoln secretly takes another look at the letter.]
Lincoln: "The answer must be in here somewhere. I know it. "Reflect upon what I said here." What could that mean?" [looks in the mirror to find another piece of paper in the rafter and facepalms for not realizing sooner.] "Reflect! Duh!" [casually walks over] "I'm just gonna be over here...cleaning the, uh...the dirty thing..." [gets on a stack of boxes and grabs the paper.]
Lucy: "What's that?!"
Lincoln: [startled] "Ah! Nothing!"
Lynn: [finds out] "Lincoln found another letter!"
[Lincoln takes to the rafters and his sisters are ready to clobber him if he doesn't read it.]
Sisters: "READ IT!"
Lincoln: "Okay, okay! Calm down!" [opens it and reads]
"Well done. You've found the next clue. But beware. If you fight like my family did, you'll never get to the bottom of the matter.
Lincoln: "You guys, maybe we should listen to her and stop fighting."
Lori: [suspiciously backing away] "Yeah...Lincoln's right...as soon as we're done cleaning here, we should totally work together to find the money." [leaves]
Lola: "Hey! Lori's going after the money!"
[The girls all follow suit.]
Lincoln: "Wait!" [goes after them but steps on and gets whack by the loose floorboard yet again.]
[When Lincoln comes to, he sees the mayhem that his sisters are causing to one another in search of the fortune.]
Lincoln: "Guys, the letter! Remember what Sharon DeMonet said!"
Lola: "Forget Sharon DeMonet! It's every man for himself!"
[Lincoln gives up and decides to join the battle. Lana is waving a dollar in front of Charles.]
Lana: "Smell the money, boy!" [Charles sniffs it] "Now go find more!" [Charles eats her dollar.] "Hey! Spit it out, Charles! So help me, I will get that dollar back even if I have to wait for it to come out the other end!" [chases after the dog]
Lucy: [performing a seance] "I summon you from the great beyond...Mrs. Sharon DeMonet! Tell me where your fortune is. Speak to me, oh, spirit." [losing patience] "Come on, lady! Just tell me where the dough is!"
Lincoln: "What did Sharon say?"
Lynn: [with a Tennis ball dispenser] "SHARON SAID TO GET OUT OF OUR ROOM!!!" [fires Tennis balls at Lincoln.]
[Lincoln ducks and makes Lucy take the blow and escapes. Luna and Luan are checking every square inch of their room.]
Luan: "Hey, look!" [pulls out a half-eaten sandwich from her wastebasket.] "I found the bread!" [laughs] "And the cheddar, and the lettuce, and the clams. Ew! No wonder someone threw this out."
Lincoln: "Hey, what-"
[Luna busts out one of her amps.]
Luna: "STAY OUT! THIS IS OUR TURF!" [blasts Lincoln with a killer wail.]
Lana: [still chasing Charles into her room.] "HEY! GET BACK HERE! THAT'S MY DOLLAR!"
Lincoln: "Have you found it?"
[Lola comes in in her princess car and rams Lincoln to the side and blocks the door.]
Lola: "OH, NO, YOU DON'T! SEARCH YOUR OWN ROOM!"
Lincoln: "Duh. Why didn't I think of that?" [searches every nook and cranny in his room to no avail.] "WHERE ARE YOU?!"
[His sisters burst in ready to search his room.]
Lincoln: [fending them off like a lion tamer.] "BACK! BACK, YOU ANIMALS!"
Leni: [off-screen] "I FOUND IT!"
Sisters: "YOU FOUND THE MONEY?!"
Leni: "No! My missing floral pump!"
Lola: "The money's not up here! Maybe it's downstairs!"
[They all rush downstairs and search the kitchen with no luck.]
Lola: "The dining room!"
[They search there and still can't find it.]
Luna: "The living room!"
[Once again, no sign of the money.]
Luan: "Lily's room!"
[Upon arriving there, they notice Lily is taking her nap. To avoid waking her up, they mute out the ruckus caused by their search.]
Lori: "We've literally searched the whole house, and nothing!"
Leni: "Hello! My floral pump is not nothing."
Luna: "Maybe we missed something in the letter!"
[The girls all glare at Lincoln who knows where this is going. They all start fighting over the letter and tear it apart.]
Lola: "Look what you did!"
Lana: "You're the one who ripped it!"
Luna: "Dude, how are we gonna find the money now?"
Lincoln: "We're not."
Luan: "What are you talking about?"
Lincoln: "'Cause all we did was fight over it. And this is exactly what Sharon DeMonet warned us about." [his sisters start to feel regretful for what they did, as they look at the pieces of the now destroyed clue.] "How about this? From now on, whenever we find money, whether it's a hidden fortune or even this quarter..." [takes out the quarter] "...we all share it equally."
Lori: "Sounds good."
Luna: "Yeah, I kinda like that."
Lana: "I'll even share the dollar I got back from Charles." [shows them the dollar now covered in Charles' feces.]
Lincoln: [thoroughly disgusted] "Let's not..."
[The others agree and Lily comes crawling out from her nap.]
Lori: [picks Lily up] "Aw...we're sorry, Lily. Did your noisy sisters and brother wake you?" [makes cute faces to Lily.]
[Something is attached to Lily's butt.]
Lynn: "Hey. What's that stuck on Lily's bottom?"
[Lincoln takes it and unfolds it.]
Lincoln: "It's...a map!"
"If you're reading this, it means you came together and got to the "bottom" of the matter! Congratulations! You're almost there!"
[The kids cheer over this discovery.]
Lincoln: [suspicious] "But wait. How could she have known the map would be on Lily's bottom?"
[The others think about that for a brief moment.]
Lola: [breaking the silence] "Who cares?! Let's find the money!"
[They all head out on the search.]
[The backyard. The kids come across a big X.]
Lincoln: "X marks the spot."
Lisa: [excited] "Ooh! I love solving for X!"
[Lincoln grabs a sandbox shovel and starts digging.]
Sisters: [chanting] "DIG! DIG! DIG! DIG!"
Lucy: "I've got some experience digging holes." [joins Lincoln in digging]
Sisters: "DIG! DIG! DIG! DIG!"
Luan: "Digging is fun for the hole family!" [laughs] "Get it?"
Sisters: "DIG! DIG! DIG! DIG!"
Lana: "Okay, everyone. Stand back. Luna? A little digging music?"
Luna: "You got it, sis!" [starts strumming her acoustic guitar.]
[Lana digs like Charles and finds the briefcase, much to her sisters' amazement.]
Lincoln: [takes it but notices...] "It's locked!"
Leni: "I got this." [takes the briefcase, pulls out her barrette, and picks the lock open with it, stunning her sisters.] "What? There's more to my head than just air, you know."
[Lincoln opens the briefcase and everyone gasps to discover that the money is real!]
Lola: [checks the total] "Five...hundred...DOLLARS!!!"
[The kids gasp again]
Lincoln: "So, if we share it equally, that means we each get, uh..."
Lisa: "$45.4545455 each."
[The kids all cheer over their achievement. Luna cheers and Lucy is throwing confetti around like a flower girl at a wedding.]
Luna: "YEAH! WOO-HOO!"
Lucy: "Yay. Yay. Yay."
Lola: [spreading some of the money out.] "ONE! TWO! THREE!"
[Lincoln plays the bongos on his cheeks. Lori and Leni jump for joy and start doing the tango together. Lana is twirling a lasso, Luan is hugging a tree, and Luna is tumbling around. All the while, their parents watch on at their children's happiness.]
Rita: "It was really nice of you to give up your work bonus. Are you ever gonna tell them that you're Sharon DeMonet?"
Lynn Sr.: "Nah."
Rita: "I have to admit, it's nice to see them sharing money and not fighting over it."
Lynn Sr.: "Yep. All part of Sharon's plan."
Rita: "Was destroying the house part of Sharon's plan?"
[Overview of the destruction from the kids' previous free-for-all.]
Lynn Sr.: "No. No it was not."
Rita: "Well, now she can...Sharon DeCleanUp!" [hands him a broom]
[Lynn Sr. is now cleaning up the attic.]
Lynn Sr.: [to the viewers] "Money. There just isn't a lot of it in the Loud House. But when there is, it's good to know that from now on, the kids will share it." [spots a dime] "Ooh! A dime!" [picks it up] "I'll just, uh...keep this one to myself." [puts it in his pocket and steps right onto and gets smacked by the loose floorboard he warned Lincoln about.]
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