The following is a transcript for the episode "Heavy Meddle".
[Lincoln's School; Lincoln opens up his locker, but someone pantses him.]
Lincoln: [to someone off-screen] "Really?"
[The other kids laugh at and take photos of his expense; after class; Lincoln gets out of his desk, but the same kid tied his shoelaces together and he trips.]
Lincoln: [sarcastically] "Oh, real original!"
[The other kids laugh and photograph this, too; at lunch, Lincoln sits down in his favorite lunch seat only to make a fart noise and find he sat on a whoopee cushion.]
Lincoln: [sarcastically] "That's real mature!"
[The other kids laugh and photograph again; the bell rings and he checks his locker only for a pile of garbage to fall onto him; the kids do what they did before again.]
Lincoln: [opens up a door from the trash; not taking it anymore.] "All right! That's it!"
[Lincoln and Clyde are walking home from school.]
Clyde: "So, you really confronted that bully?"
Lincoln: "That's right. I said to meet me at 3:30 in front of my house, and we're gonna settle this."
Clyde: [worried for his friend] "Whoa! You're gonna fight?!"
Lincoln: "I'm not an animal, Clyde. I'm going to deliver a strongly worded speech...as soon as I write it."
Clyde: [noticing something] "Looks like that bully left you a note of their own."
Lincoln: "Huh?" [sees a sticky note on his head, pulls it off, and reads it.] "Lame-O."
[There's also a piece of gum in Lincoln's hair.]
Clyde: [sniffs the gum] "Ooh! Watermelon lime!"
Lincoln: "Better not let my sisters see this, 'cause then they'll want to get involved and make things worse, the way they always do."
Clyde: "I don't know. Maybe they'd be helpful. Your sister Lori gives great advice. She told me to never be myself. I love that woman." [looks lovesick]
Lincoln: "Aw, Clyde. Sweet, innocent Clyde.[to the viewers] He has no idea what it's like to have ten meddling sisters."
[Flashback to what looks like Lincoln being sick; Lori puts a thermometer in his mouth and checks his temperature; Lisa comes in with an X-Ray machine and takes his X-rays, leaving him with glowing radiation; Luan dressed as a doctor with a clown nose and Luna bandaged him up real tight; Lincoln muffles and Luan removes the bandages covering his mouth so he can breathe.]
Leni: [carrying a bowl of piping hot soup] "Here comes the airplane!" [spills it all over Lincoln's crotch] "Oopsie."
Lincoln: [agonized] "AAAHHH!!! IT BURNS!!!" [as Leni walks off screen embarrassed.]
[Luna and Luan bandage up his crotch; end flashback.]
Lincoln: [holding up a finger with a bandage wrapped around it.] "And that was just a paper cut!"
Clyde: "Well, then, you'd better get that gum out. You wanna look intimidating for that bully."
Lincoln: "I was born intimidating." [tries to pull it out, but it's too grody to touch for him.] "Ew, ew! Gross!"
Clyde: "You know, peanut butter will get that gum out."
Lincoln: "Should I use chunky or smooth?"
Clyde: "Well, if you use chunky, you're gonna have to use smooth to get the chunks out."
Lincoln: "Good point. Thanks, pal."
[Lincoln goes into his house and looks around to see if any of his sisters are lurking; the coast is clear and he steps in and puts his backpack on the floor; just then, a news broadcast weather board appears next to him with his face in the sun.]
LHN 6 LIVE
WEATHER REPORT: CLEAR SKIES
KEEP UMBRELLA HANDY
Lincoln: "The National Weather Service reports clear skies with only a 20% chance of meddling sisters. But we advise keeping your umbrella handy."
[Lily is playing with some of her toys and notices Lincoln coming in.]
Lincoln: "Shh..." [steps on a squeaky toy and lifts his foot up with some squeaking aftershocks from said toy.]
Lincoln: "Shh..." [sneaks off]
Lori: [from the other room] "Hold it right there!"
[Lincoln thinks Lori has spotted him, but she's really talking to a friend of hers on her phone.]
Lori: "He wore cargo shorts on your date? That is literally the worst thing I have ever heard."
Lincoln: "Phew." [sneaks into the kitchen and gets to the fridge and looks for the peanut butter.] "Peanut butter, peanut butter...where's the peanut butter?"
[Luna comes in humming a tune and Lincoln hides the gum by sticking his head in one of the crisper drawers.]
Luna: "Hey, bro."
Lincoln: "Oh, hey, Luna. What's the haps?"
Luna: [seeing Lincoln's position] "Rad way to chill out, bro."
Lincoln: "Right. Totally rad."
Luna: "Hey, hook me up with some pudding."
Lincoln: [feels around for a pudding cup and touches a piece of broccoli.] "GROSS!" [shakes the broccoli texture off his hand, finds a pudding cup and hands it to Luna.]
Luna: "Thanks. Stay cool." [leaves]
[Lincoln gets his head out of the crisper drawer with a head of cabbage on the gum and shakes it off; he finds the peanut butter jar.]
Lincoln: "Peanut butter!" [opens the jar and discovers that it's empty; frustrated.] "Ah! Why do people put empty jars back in the fridge?!" [puts it back in despite what he just ranted about] "I need a Plan B."
Lori: [still on the phone] "Socks and sandals? Cut it out!"
Lincoln: ""Cut it out." That's it!" [sneaks past Lori]
Lori: "Now that is literally the worst thing I have ever heard."
[Lincoln sneaks into his parents' room and grabs a pair of scissors to cut the gum out with; as he makes his way to the staircase, Luan is coming down and Lincoln sticks the gum to the wall to hide it.]
Lincoln: "Hey, Luan."
Luan: "Hey, Lincoln. What do you think of this joke? "If I were you, I'd go for the baboon!""
Lincoln: [puzzled] "I don't get it."
Luan: "Oh. Well, that's just the punchline. I still gotta think of the setup." [walks away]
[Lincoln heads up the stairs and makes it to the door to his room, but his mother calls him.]
Rita: [off-screen] "Lincoln, honey! I need you to take out the trash!"
Lincoln: "Okay, Mom! Five minutes!"
Rita: "Not five minutes! Now!"
Lincoln: "I will! Just give me three minutes!"
Lynn Sr.: "Lincoln, listen to your mother!"
[Lincoln groans, sneaks around to avoid his sisters, and takes the trash out; Leni is coming and he puts the trash lid on the gum to hide it.]
Leni: "Hey, Lincoln. Is my desk lamp in there? I can't find it anywhere."
Lincoln: "Nope. Have you tried looking on your desk?"
Leni: "So smart!" [sees the lid on Lincoln's head] "What's up with that hat?"
Lincoln: "Oh, this?" [striking a few poses] "These are all the rage right now. I'm surprised you didn't know."
Leni: [inspired] "Hmm..."
[Lincoln sneaks back to the door to his room.]
Lincoln: "Phew." [gets ready to open the door, but Lisa catches him.]
Lisa: "Greetings, human. There's Liquidambar Styraciflua in your follicular area."
Lincoln: "A what in my who now?"
Lisa: "You've got gum in your hair."
Lincoln: "Oh, yes. I'm sure it's just-"
Lisa: "I assume that being of average intelligence, you didn't place it there yourself. Therefore, I can only deduce that someone has been picking on you."
Lincoln: [begging his genius sister] "Lisa, please! You can't tell! I don't want everyone getting involved."
Lisa: "Don't worry. I do not have enough room in my brain for this kind of tomfoolery." [walks away]
Lincoln: "Phew." [enters his room]
[Lincoln takes out the scissors and snips the gum out, but just as he's about to dispose of it, Lynn kicks the door open with every sister there.]
Lynn: "You're being picked on!"
Lincoln: [irritated] "Lisa, I thought you weren't going to say anything."
Lisa: "No. What I said was I did not have room in my brain for your secret. Hence, I removed it and transferred it to Lynn, whose brain apparently has ample room."
Lynn: "Thanks." [beat] "Hey!"
Luna: "So, you are being picked on!"
Lincoln: [nervous] "Of course not!"
Luan: [points to the gum] "Then what's that?"
Lincoln: "That's just my gum." [chews it trying to cover it up but obviously disgusted by it.] "Mmm...watermelon lime. AND HAIR!"
[Lincoln coughs it out and the girls start demanding him to let them help him.]
Lincoln: [begging them] "Guys! Guys! Please stay out of this! You'll only make it worse!"
Lori: "If by worse you mean better, I agree."
Lola: "You should go straight to the school principal!"
Lori: "Forget that. You should literally text an embarrassing picture of him to all his friends."
Luan: "I'm gonna write an insult comedy routine that will leave him in tears!"
Lynn: [flips at Lincoln] "HOO-WAH!" [kicks him] "Basic stealth ninja kick. That's how you're gonna take him down."
[Lincoln groans and gives us an update on the weather of his life with storm clouds coming in over his face.]
SISTERNADO WARNING: CATEGORY 1 BUTTING IN
PRIMARY RISK: Making things worse for me
BREAKING NEWS: FIRST ALERT SEVERE SISTWISTER THREAT
Lincoln: "Well, folks, the National Weather Service has just released a Category 1 Sisternado Watch. We advise boarding up your windows and preparing your emergency supplies."
[Lynn suddenly grabs him and has him in a hold.]
Lynn: "That's the camel clutch. Another good option for ya." [gets off him]
Lincoln: "Look, I don't need any-"
Luan: "We'll start with some basic dumb jokes. Like, "You're so dumb you locked yourself inside your car." That kind of thing."
Lola: "Ooh I know! I'll invite him to a tea party and make him use the chipped cup!" [has a sinister smile with a sinister sting to accompany it] "I'm so evil, sometimes I scare even me."
[Lincoln notices Lynn standing in a strange pose.]
Lincoln: "What are you doing?"
Lynn: [pulls Lincoln's shirt over his face] "SURPRISE MIME ATTACK! I invented that one myself."
Lincoln: [pulls his shirt back down] "Lynn, I'm not going to fight. I-"
Lynn: "Ugh! Fine! I'll take care of this myself." [walks off]
Luna: "You should do this!" [slams a pair of cymbals right in Lincoln's ears] "His ears'll be ringing for days!"
Luan: "Ugly jokes are always good, too. Like, "You're so ugly, you have to trick-or-treat over the phone!""
Lincoln: [his ears still ringing] "WHAT?!"
[Lynn returns with a boy and is carrying him by the seat of his pants.]
Lynn: "Look! I found him!"
[The girls surround him and are not very happy with him.]
Lori: "How dare you bully our brother! Only we get to do that."
Lana: [spits the gum right into Lincoln's hand] "Smoosh your watermelon lime gum in his hair, Lincoln!" [sees Lincoln is too hesitant to do it] "Fine. I'll do it."
Lincoln: "Wait! Stop! This guy isn't my enemy! Although, thanks to you, he probably will be now."
[The boy growls at him for what he's been put through.]
Lynn: "Oh." [kicks the boy out] "Why are you still here?"
Lana: "I can't believe I almost wasted perfectly good gum on him." [takes gum back and chews it]
Lynn: "I'll go get another boy." [proceeds to do so]
Lincoln: "No! Lynn, stop! IT'S NOT EVEN A BOY!"
[Lynn suddenly stops surprised at that fact and the others are perplexed.]
Leni: "Is it a dog?"
Lincoln: [sighs] "It's a girl..."
[The girls are flabbergasted and gasp to hear the news, but then, all of them except Lisa start squealing with delight.]
Lincoln: [perplexed] "What?"
[All the girls except Lisa give him a big group hug and suffocate him.]
Lisa: "Normally, I don't care for inane human emotions, but..." [squeals just as delighted as they did and joins the hug.]
Luna: "Lincoln! Why didn't you tell us you had a girlfriend?"
Lola: "She sounds so pretty."
Lincoln: [suffocating] "What is happening?"
[They all release Lincoln from their hug.]
Lori: "When a girl picks on you, that only ever means one thing: she likes you~."
[The girls all squeal again and Lincoln is just dumbfounded at this explanation.]
Lincoln: [Disbelieving] "That's ridiculous! She shoved a sandwich down my pants! I was picking sesame seeds out of my butt for days!"
[The girls swoon over such a flirty prank.]
Leni: "So romantic..."
Lori: "That's a classic."
Lincoln: "You guys are nuts! She hates me! I'm gonna meet her today and give her a piece of my mind!"
Lori: "You need to give her a piece of your heart instead."
Lincoln: [scared] "WHAT?!"
Leni: "I think he needs to kiss her."
[Lily makes kissy faces in agreement.]
Lincoln: [petrified] "WHAT?!"
Sisters: "KISS HER! KISS HER! KISS HER!"
[At that moment, as the girls continue chanting Lincoln to kiss his bully, they all start forming miniature tornadoes around them and merge together to create the Sisternado; a weather warning pops up with the tornados taking over Lincoln's space.]
SISTERNADO RED ALERT
Lincoln: "This just in from the National Weather Service! The Sisternado watch has been upgraded to a Sisternado warning. TAKE COVER IMMEDIATELY!"
Sisternado: "KISS HER! KISS HER!" [traps Lincoln inside] "KISS HER! KISS HER!"
[Lincoln escapes and runs into the bathroom to seek shelter and picks up his radio.]
Lincoln: "MAYDAY! MAYDAY! Clyde, do you copy?"
Clyde: "Roger. I mean, this is Clyde, not Roger. But yeah. Roger, it's Clyde."
Lincoln: [panicking] "My sisters have lost their minds! They think the bully likes me! They want me to kiss her!"
Clyde: "I don't know. Maybe they're right, Lincoln."
Lincoln: "My sisters are never right! All they do is meddle."
Clyde: "They're girls, Lincoln. They know more about these things than we do. It's a scientific fact."
Lincoln: "Yeah, but there's no way that-" [suddenly starts considering the possibility] "Wow. Me? You really think she might like me? How would I know?"
Clyde: "There's only one way to find out."
[Lincoln goes out to confront the Sisternado.]
Sisternado: "KISS HER! KISS HER! KISS HER!"
Lincoln: "Hold it!"
[The Sisternado comes to a stop and the sisters turn back to normal.]
Lincoln: "So am I going to kiss this girl or what?" [smirks]
[The girls sans Lisa squeal again.]
Lisa: "Again..." [squeals again]
Lincoln: "It's 3:30. Lola, lip balm." [Lola applies it] "Lana, breath mint." [Lana puts it in his mouth] "Let's do this." [heads on out to meet the girl of his dreams.]
Lynn: "Go get her, Romeo."
Lori: "You so got this, little bro."
Lola: "Aw, our little Lincoln."
Lana: "All grown up."
[Lola hands Lana a tissue for her to blow her nose.]
Leni: [wearing the trash lid on her head having believed Lincoln's lie.] "All the bridesmaids should wear these hats at Lincoln's wedding. These are all the rage right now."
[Lincoln steps outside, marches up to his bully, and gives her a kiss.]
Sisters: [sweetly] "Aww..."
[The bully, however, responds to this romantic gesture by punching Lincoln in the face.]
Sisters: [concerned] "Ooh!"
[Lincoln steps back inside with a black eye and now incredibly furious at his sisters.]
Luna: "Sorry, buddy. Our bad."
Luan: "Well, at least, you gave it a shot."
Lynn: "I'll get some ice for that shiner."
Lisa: "X-ray machine, stat."
Leni: "I'm really sorry, Lincoln."
[The girls all try to apologize to Lincoln for their meddling, which he is through hearing.]
Lincoln: [infuriated] "QUIET!!! Every time you guys butt into my life, you make things worse! Well, guess what? Never again! NO! MORE! MEDDLING!" [walks to his room and slams the door in rage as his sisters stand there feeling guilty.]
Lincoln: "I knew it all along. I should never have listened to them. My sisters are always wrong."
[Someone whistles from outside to get Lincoln's attention.]
Lincoln: "Huh?" [looks out his window on one end as a rock comes flying in through the other end and sees there's a note attached to it and reads it.]
"Sorry, Lame-O. Here's my number. 555-0121 Text me."
Lincoln: "Sorry, Lame-O. Here's my number. Text me?" [confused; smiles and looks out the window and gets a steak thrown at his eye; notices it has a note too and reads it.] "For your eye. XOXO, Ronnie Anne." [smiles hopefully, places steak over his shiner and turns to the viewers.] "Okay, maybe just this one time my sisters were right. But don't tell them that!"
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