The following is a transcript for the episode "Dance, Dance Resolution".
[Lincoln's school; the cafeteria. Zach, Rusty, and Liam are grooming themselves. Suddenly, the doors open up and some girls approach.]
Rusty: "Oh, here they come! These ladies are definitely gonna ask us."
[They pose for the girls, but they just walk right past them to their disappointment.]
Liam: "Man, we're never gonna get dates."
Zach: "Ah, I can't believe we're going stag to our first Sadie Hawkins Dance."
Lincoln: [from under the table] "Don't give up hope, guys. And can someone pass the ketchup?"
[Lincoln is under there with Clyde and Rusty looks under.]
Rusty: "Why are you guys under the table?"
Lincoln: "I'm hiding from Ronnie Anne so she can't ask me to the dance."
Clyde: "And I'm here for moral support."
Rusty: "Lincoln, I thought you liked Ronnie Anne."
Lincoln: "I do, but there's a two-for-one deal at the arcade tonight, and there's no way I'm missing it."
[Ronnie Anne enters the cafeteria.]
Lincoln: "GAH! Here she comes. Remember, I'm not down here!"
[The boys confront Ronnie Anne.]
Ronnie Anne: "Hey, guys. Have you seen Lincoln?"
Liam: "Lincoln? Uh, never done heard of him."
Rusty: "He's definitely not under the table."
[Ronnie Anne looks suspicious and checks under the table only to find Clyde who casually waves to her. Lincoln is hiding in a trash can while sneaking out of the cafeteria, but a girl opens the door and hits the can.]
[The sound alerts Ronnie Anne and she finds nothing.]
[The Loud House. Lincoln has just gotten home after dodging Ronnie Anne all day only to be greeted by something that startles him.]
[His sisters are there eagerly awaiting to hear the news.]
Leni: "So? Did Ronnie Anne ask you to the Sadie Hawkins Dance?"
Lincoln: [stammering] "Uh, yee, uh, um..."
Lori: [jubilant] "I bet she was so excited. The Sadie Hawkins is literally the most important dance in a girl's life."
Lincoln: [feigning depression] "Well, actually, Ronnie Anne didn't even ask me."
Sisters: [flabbergasted] "WHAT?!"
Lincoln: "Yeah. I waited around all day, but it just never happened."
Lucy: "Poor big brother. You must be devastated."
Lincoln: "Oh, you know, I'll get through it somehow."
[His sisters smile hopefully at their brother as they leave him to grieve, not knowing that there's a reason why he wasn't asked to the dance.]
Lincoln: [to the viewers] "What? I-I would have told them the truth, but believe me, they wouldn't have understood. Sometimes a little white lie works out better for everyone."
Lincoln: "Mom, I'm going to the arcade with Clyde! I'll see you later!" [heads for the door]
Luan: "Hey, Lincoln, you got a sec?"
Lucy: "Hey, I need to talk to him first."
[Lucy, Lynn, Luan, and Luna rush down the stairs.]
Luna: "No! Dudes, urgent!" [blocks her sisters off] "Mine is more important! Guess what, bro? I hooked ya up with a date for the dance!"
Luan: "Hey, so did I!"
Lucy: "So did I."
Lynn: "Me too!"
Lynn: "You were so bummed out when Ronnie Anne didn't ask you. I just wanted to make you feel better."
Luna: "Me too."
Luan: "So did I."
Lucy: "Me too."
Lincoln: "You guys, I wasn't bummed out! I didn't want her to ask me because I wanted to go to the arcade tonight."
Luan: [irked] "Then why didn't you say so, ya yutz?"
Lincoln: "'Cause you made me feel so guilty. All that stuff about "the most important dance in a girl's life"."
Luna: [forcefully] "Well, you're going to the dance now, dude, 'cause my friend'll be wicked bummed if you flake on her!"
Lynn: "Mine too."
Luan: [defensively] "Yeah! Snow-one likes a flake!" [laughs at rimshot] "But seriously, you're going."
Lincoln: "But, you guys, how am I supposed to juggle four dates?"
Luna: [angry glare] "That's not our problem, dude."
Luan: [angry glare]"You dug your own grave, Lincoln."
Lynn: [angry glare]"Now you gotta lie in it."
Lucy: [sarcastically] "Lucky."
[Lincoln sighs with guilt, knowing he has no choice.]
[The dance. Everyone is out on the dance floor and Lincoln is getting a raffle ticket from his teacher.]
Mrs. Johnson: "And here's your raffle ticket."
Lincoln: "Ooh! There's a raffle?"
Mrs. Johnson: "Yep. The winner gets to have lunch with me in the teachers' lounge."
[Lincoln's facial expression shows he doesn't like that prize.]
Clyde: "Good news, Lincoln. I've checked the entire gym, and Ronnie Anne is nowhere to be found."
Lincoln: "Oh, that's a relief. I can't let Ronnie Anne see me here after I avoided her all day. It'll really hurt her feelings. Besides, I have enough on my hands juggling four dates."
Clyde: "Don't worry. I've got everything we need to make the night go smoothly: binoculars, stopwatch, dossiers on each of the lovely ladies, and, lastly, a hidden microphone and receiver." [pointing to the rafters] "I'll be your eyes in the sky. Now, let's move out!"
[Rusty, Zach, and Liam are hanging out dateless.]
Lincoln: "Hey, guys. Did you get dates?"
Liam: "Nah. We're just here for the raffle. I've always wanted to see the teachers' lounge."
Clyde: [contacting Lincoln] "Lincoln, I'm in position." [waves to signal him and then takes cover, now nervous.] "I forgot I'm afraid of heights, but I'll be okay."
Lincoln: [on the receiver] "You're a true pal, Clyde."
Clyde: "Don't mention it." [searches with binoculars] "Now, at your 11 o'clock, you'll see a girl with purple streaks in her hair. That's Luna's friend, Tabby. She loves sweatin' to the oldies, turning it up to 11, and her ideal date is soundproofing a wall with egg crates."
[Lincoln walks up to her.]
Lincoln: "Hi, Tabby. I'm Lincoln."
Tabby: [rapidly shakes his hand] "Good to meet ya! Wanna jam?"
Lincoln: "Oh, uh...okay." [plays air piano]
Tabby: "Rockin' that piano! You got some chops."
Clyde: [contacting] "Sky Guy to the Ladies' Man, your time is up. Move onto Girl No. 2."
Lincoln: "Ooh, sorry, Tabby. My piano elbow's acting up. Gonna grab an ice pack." [dashes off]
Clyde: [watching] "Okay, at your 6 o'clock is Luan's friend from Clown School, Giggles. A Virgo with an infectious laugh, Giggles' ideal date is trying to figure out how many people she can cram into one car."
Lincoln: [walks up to her] "Hey, Giggles. I'm Lincoln."
Giggles: "Pleased to meet ya!" [shakes hands with Lincoln and zaps him with a joy buzzer.] "I heard a lot of buzz about you!" [laughs]
Lincoln: "Good one. You got something on your shirt." [points to it and Giggles looks down, he then flicks her red nose.] "Boop!"
Giggles: [laughs] "Touché!"
Clyde: [contacting] "Wrap it up, Ladies' Man. Girl No. 3 is waiting. Lucy's friend, Haiku, is an up and coming poet. Her dislikes include kittens, sunlight, and people who smile too much."
[Lincoln puts on a frown to make a good impression on her.]
Lincoln; [feigning a melancholy nature] "Hi. I'm Lincoln."
Haiku: "Hi, Lincoln. Wanna hear my poem? Empty, lonely, dark. The universe is weeping. I have no tissues. Okay, your turn."
Lincoln: "Uh...Jack and Jill went up a hill to fetch a pail of water."
Haiku: "Oh, yes. The futility of teamwork. Deep stuff."
Clyde: [contacting] "Time's up, Ladies' Man. Girl No. 4 is Lynn's roller derby teammate, Polly Pain. I think she's over by the-"
[Polly comes rolling in and gives Lincoln a surprise roller derby attack which launches him into the wall.]
Lincoln: [in pain] "I found her, Clyde..."
Polly: "Nailed ya, bro! In roller derby, that's a move I like to call the Booty Block!" [shakes her booty on the name and grabs Lincoln.] "And this is the Helicopter!" [starts spinning him over her head.]
[Polly drops him on a mat.]
Polly: "Wow! You didn't even barf! I'm impressed."
Lincoln: [in more pain] "Thanks..."
Clyde: [contacting] "That's time, Ladies' Man. Get ready for round two!"
[Lincoln is now air guitar jamming with Tabby on top of the amp. Clyde times it and his acrophobia starts to kick in.]
Clyde: [dizzy] "So...high...up..."
[Giggles is juggling muffins and Lincoln adds another. Next, he is doing shadow puppets with Haiku. He makes a butterfly, and Haiku makes the Grim Reaper. Clyde is hyperventilating in a paper bag. Polly is practicing more roller derby moves on Lincoln. She spins around and tosses him.]
Lincoln: "AAAHH!!!" [flies into a wall]
[Clyde throws up in his bag.]
[The boys' room. Clyde is washing himself off and pulling himself together.]
Lincoln: "How ya feelin', Sky Guy?"
Clyde: "Better. I think I'm ready to go back up."
Lincoln: "No way, Clyde. You've done enough. Thanks to your help, I've got everything under control." [opens the door to discover that a certain someone came to the dance.] "GAH! RONNIE ANNE!"
[Under the buffet table]
Lincoln: "Clyde, what am I gonna do? Ronnie Anne is here!"
Clyde: "Well, you can't stay under here. You're already 30 seconds late for air harmonica with Tabby."
Lincoln: [inspired] "I've got an idea." [to his peeps] "Psst! Guys!" [throws a muffin at Rusty's head to signal him.]
Rusty: "Hey! What the heck, Lincoln?"
Lincoln: "Get over here."
[The boys join them under the table.]
Zach: "You two sure like to hide under tables, don't you?"
Lincoln: "How would you guys like someone to dance with?"
Rusty: "Sorry, Lincoln. You're not my type."
Lincoln: "Not with me, with girls!"
Rusty, Zach, and Liam: [nervous] "GIRLS?!"
[Zach quivers with fear.]
Rusty: "On second thought, I think I'd rather dance with you."
Clyde: "Come on, guys. It's not that big of a deal. Pop a breath mint, look 'em in the eye, make sure your fly's up, and you're golden."
[The boys zip up their flies.]
Lincoln: "Clyde, I need you to go, too." [Clyde zips up his fly.] "Thanks, guys, you're the best."
[Lincoln's friends exit the table, take deep breaths and walk over to one of Lincoln's dates separately.]
Lincoln: "Problem solved. I'll just hide under here until the dance is over."
Rusty: "WAH!!!" [comes flying by like a bullet and knocks the table over revealing Lincoln.]
Lincoln: "Dang it."
Rusty: [in pain] "Gee, that Polly is quite a handful." [beaming] "And I like it!"
[Lincoln looks around, sees Ronnie Anne coming and makes a run for it. Mrs. Johnson is dancing to the beat and unknowingly bumps Lincoln with her booty.]
Lincoln: "AAAHH!!!" [is sent flying by Mrs. Johnson]
[Lincoln crashes onto the floor and sighs with relief. Ronnie Anne is in his line of sight, turns around, sees nothing, shrugs, and walks off. Lincoln is revealed to have been hiding in the volleyball crate and accidentally unlocks it, causing the balls to hit some of the boys on the dance floor and carry Zach away from Giggles as he tries to keep his balance.]
Zach: "Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!" [crashes into the punch bowl]
Giggles: [laughs and applauds] "Bravo! Ever thought about clowning?"
[Zach looks on at Giggles with joy. Ronnie Anne is hanging out with some of her friends and notices Lincoln sneaking across the gym.]
Ronnie Anne: "Lincoln?"
[Ronnie Anne is coming over to get a closer look. Lincoln, in his panicked state, notices a mop nearby. Ronnie Anne comes over and finds the mop instead of her boyfriend. Lincoln is now DJ-ing the dance in disguise.]
Lincoln: [electronic voice] "All right, party people, I wanna see you on the dance floor!" [plays the music]
Liam: "Hot diggity dang! Turn it on up to 11!"
Tabby: [ecstatic] "I love turning it up to 11!"
[The two of them start rocking out. Over with Clyde and Haiku.]
Clyde: "Haiku, I have to be honest. My heart belongs to an older woman." [shows her a picture of Lori]
Haiku: "That's okay. My heart belongs to an older man." [opens a locket showing a picture of Count Dracula.] "He just turned 200."
Clyde: [nodding in agreement] "Unrequited love. Am I right?"
[Haiku smiles in agreement. The DJ returns with some food to find Lincoln at his turntable.]
DJ: "Hey, kid, what are you doing?"
[Lincoln yelps and bolts for it.]
Mrs. Johnson: [on a microphone] "Attention, everyone! The lucky student who gets to have lunch with me in the teachers' lounge is..." [draws the winning student's ticket] "...Lincoln Loud! Uh, Lincoln? Oh, where are you?"
[A spotlight shines down on Lincoln and he runs from it as it chases after him. He then runs into Tabby.]
Tabby: "Lincoln? Where have you been, mate? You left me standing out there."
Polly: "You?! He's here with me!"
Giggles: "Wrong! He's here with me!"
Haiku: [teleports out of nowhere as a crow caws.] "Actually, he's here with me."
[They all look at Lincoln very upset about this.]
Lincoln: "You guys, I'm sorry. I can explain."
Tabby: "Wait. Let me go first. I'm sorry to say this, Lincoln, but would you mind if I hung out with somebody else for the rest of the night? I really hit it off with that guy, Liam."
Giggles: "Yeah, and I'm having a really great time with Zach."
Haiku: "Yes, and I enjoy Clyde. We share the same pain."
Polly: "Same with me and Rusty; though, the pain is mostly his."
Lincoln: "Sure. No problem. I'm glad you're all having fun."
[The girls all head off back to their respective boys.]
Lincoln: [to the viewers] "How about that? I guess tonight worked out for everyone."
Ronnie Anne: "Hey, Lincoln."
Lincoln: [Got startled after Ronnie Anne appeared behind him.] "GYAH!!! Well, except for me. Guess it's time to come clean." [to his girlfriend] "Ronnie Anne, I'm really sorry. I know I hurt your feelings. I should have just let you ask me to the dance."
Ronnie Anne: "What are you talking about?"
Lincoln: "Isn't that why you were looking for me today?"
Ronnie Anne: [laughs] "To ask you to a lame dance? No. I wanted to invite you to the arcade. There's a two-for-one deal tonight. Since I couldn't find you, I just came here."
[Lincoln smacks his forehead from his misinterpretation.]
Ronnie Anne: [realizing what her boyfriend asked] "Wait. So, you knew I was looking for you?"
Lincoln: [guilty] "Yeah. I was kinda ducking you. Sorry."
Ronnie Anne: "Not cool, Lincoln." [Lincoln frowns in guilt] "But to be honest, if I thought you were gonna ask me to the dance tonight, I would have ducked you, too."
Lincoln: [smiling] "So, we're cool?"
Ronnie Anne: "We're cool."
DJ: "We're gonna close out Sadie Hawkins with a slow song. And if you liked what you heard tonight, I'll be spinning at the Feinstein Bar Mitzvah this Saturday. Peace!"
[Everyone starts to dance together on the final song. Haiku and Clyde gaze upon the pictures of their respective love interests during their waltz. Liam dips Tabby while they throw up the goats. Zach dances with Giggles while on top of her humongous clown shoes. Rusty and Polly do a roller blading shimmy. Polly grabs Rusty and spins her date with love in his eyes around and tosses him.]
Rusty: "WAH!!!" [crashes into a wall]
Lincoln: "Should we do this?"
Ronnie Anne: "I'm game if you are."
[The two of them are ready to do it and reveal to be playing on a dance game machine at the arcade.]
Game Machine: "DANCE BATTLE START!"
[The two start playing and dancing to the beat for the high score.]
Lincoln: "Ooh, watch this."
Ronnie Anne: "Oh, I'm better."
[The two continue to play and dance to their hearts' content.]
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