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Chore and Peace/Script

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The following is a transcript for "Chore and Peace".

Script

[Lincoln is dumping all the trash around the house into a trash bag]
Lincoln: [to the viewers] "It's Chore Day at the Loud House, and taking out the trash is my job. And in a family as big as mine, chores can be pretty intense. But we get through 'em because we all do our fair share."
[Leni enters the bathroom, plucks a hair out of the sink, and places it on Lincoln's garbage pile]
Leni: "Chores all done!" [slams the door making the trash splatter all over Lincoln]
Lincoln: "Well, except maybe for Leni." [starts cleaning out the expired and moldy stuff in the fridge and notices Luan and Lynn washing the dishes together] "Wait. Two of you do one chore?"
Lucy: [closes the fridge door behind Lincoln's back] "Three of us."
[Lincoln screams in fear of Lucy and observes Luan who is washing a dish and passes it to Lucy]
Lucy: "Sigh." [dries it off with her breath]
Lynn: [catches the plate tossed to her by Luan] "Lynn Loud makes a snag!" [puts it away] "Touchdown!"
Lincoln: "That doesn't seem very fair."
[Enter Luna with the vacuum]
Luna: "Open sesame, bro." [dumps all the dust she vacuumed up into the bag]
Lana: [carrying in the pooper scooper] "Little present from Charles!" [dumps it in] "Special delivery from Cliff!" [dumps it in] "And airmail from Walt!" [catches Walt's incoming dung and tosses it into the trash bag and notices Geo rolling away]
Lincoln: "What about Geo?"
[The toilet flushes]
Lana: "Oh, I taught him to use the toilet."
Lincoln: "This isn't a chore for you; it's a hobby."
[Water splashes]
Lana: "Uh-oh! Geo fell in again!" [busts out a net and runs to his rescue] "Hang on, baby! Mama's comin'!"
[The basement; Lori is doing everyone's laundry and Lily is spinning on the top of the dryer; Lori adds the detergent and leaves the machine to do its thing and starts texting on her phone; Lincoln gathers the trash down there and is struggling to get the bag up the stairs since it's gotten so bulky from all the other trash]
Lincoln: "Can I get a little help here?"
Lori: "Can't you see I'm doing the laundry?" [laughs] "LOL, Bobby!"
Lincoln: [unable to hold the bag] "WHOA!" [gets crushed; finally gets the bag out to the curb only to find that the weight from it has torn a hole in it and the trash has been scattered everywhere] "Dang it."


[Luna is vacuuming some more and Lincoln unplugs the device]
Luna: "Dude, what gives?"
Lincoln: "Alright, everyone! Listen up! It has come to my attention that I've gotten a raw deal in this house!"
Leni: "You mean your white hair? It's nice. It makes you look like Pop-Pop."
Lincoln: "I'm not talking about our grandfather! I'm talking about my chore! It's way harder than all of yours, and it's not fair!"
Lori: "Please. Our chores are just as hard as yours, if not harder."
Lincoln: "Oh, really? Look at Lisa! What does she even do?"
Lisa: [on the line] "Uh, hold on, Janice." [puts Janice on hold] "I do the bills, Lincoln." [goes back on her call] "Now, listen, I want that charge removed, Janice. I don't think anyone in this house bought a car in Saskatchewan."
Lincoln: "Well, if you all think your chores are so hard, I'm sure one of you won't mind trading with me."
Lori: "No way, Lincoln. There's a very delicate balance in this house, and if we all start trading chores, it will literally open up a can of worms."
Lana: "What's so bad about that? Worms rule!"
Lincoln: [deterred] "Okay then..."


[Lincoln starts holding up a sign with a "No Symbol" over a trash can, indicating he's on strike from his chore]
Lincoln: [chanting] "One, two, three, four! I won't do your stupid chore!"
Lori: "What the heck are you doing?"
Lincoln: "I'm on strike until someone agrees to trade chores with me." [chanting] "Five, six, seven, eight! Garbage Day will have to wait!"
Lana: "What am I supposed to do with all this poop?" [holds up several sacks]
Lincoln: [chanting more] "Nine, ten, eleven, twelve! Take that poop out by yourself!"
Lori: "Ugh! Will you stop talking in chants?"
Lincoln: [refusing to stop] "Thirteen, fourteen, fifteen, sixteen!" [stops] "Uh..." [tries to think of a rhyme for sixteen as his parents watch]
Lynn Sr.: "Think we should intervene, honey?"
Rita: "No, not yet. I wanna see what he rhymes with sixteen. Also, maybe we should let the kids handle this themselves. They might learn something."
Lynn Sr.: "Good idea." [busts out a jigsaw puzzle] "In that case, it's time for ol' Jigsaw Loud to get back in the puzzle game!"
Rita: [chuckles] "Didn't we agree to never use that name again?"


[Lola is practicing her posture with books on her head]
Lola: "And that's why I deserve to be the next Cute N' Mean's Beauty Queen." [slips on a banana peel]
Lincoln: [chanting] "What do I want? Someone else's chore! When do I want it? Now! What do I want? Someone else's chore! When do I want it?" [gets pegged by peel] "Ow!"
[Chunk is helping Luna with her amps as she rocks on]
Luna: "So, what'a ya think, Chunk?"
Chunk: "It stinks."
Luna: "Way harsh, dude."
Chunk: "Not the song, your room. Chunk's gotta blow." [leaves]
Lincoln: [chanting] "Think it through, don't be rash, trade with me, or live with trash! Think it through, don't be rash, trade with me, or live with-" [Luna gets annoyed and tosses her drumsticks at him and he shields himself with his sign] "Ha! Missed me!"
[Luna tosses the rest of her drum kit at him and gets him this time; Leni is getting ready to take a shower but finds the tub filled with garbage]
Leni: "Ew!"
Lincoln [faking sympathy] "Aw...got a problem?"
Leni: "Oh, not with you, Pop-Pop."
[Lincoln puts on a hairnet to hide his white hair until further notice]


[The girls are all having a meeting to discuss Lincoln's behavior]
Lola: "Princesses cannot live in this filth!"
Lana: "It's disgusting, and I know disgusting."
Lucy: "I totally agree."
Lori: "This can't go on. We have to do something."
[Lincoln overhears this and believes one of them is finally going to agree to trade chores with him]
Lincoln: [chanting] "Hey, hey. Ho, ho. Tomorrow I get a brand new Cho...re. Good thing they're giving in. 'Cause I'm all out of rhymes."


[The next morning, Lincoln wakes up and finds out that he has no clean laundry]
Lincoln: "Lori, where's all my clean laundry?"
Lori: "Hm...laundry, laundry...oh! I didn't do it."
Lincoln; "And why not?"
[Lori holds up a sign with a "No Symbol" over a washing machine, meaning only one thing]
Lincoln: "Ha! You're going on strike?"
[The other girls hold up signs as well]
Lana: "We're all going on strike until you agree to end yours!"
Lori: "That means no laundry, no clean dishes, no vacuuming..."
Lisa: "...and no doing the bills." [on her call] "Janice, cut the power and the water. We're going off the grid."
Lincoln: "Well, good luck! 'Cause I'm not backing down!"
Sisters: "NEITHER ARE WE!"
Lori: [chanting] "One, two, three, four! I won't wash your clothes no more!"
Luna: "CHORES! HUH! WHAT ARE THEY GOOD FOR?!"
Sisters: "ABSOLUTELY NOTHING!!! SAY IT AGAIN!!!"
Lynn Sr.: "Now should we intervene?"
Rita: "Oh, no. Let's give the kids a little more time to resolve this on their own."
Lynn Sr.: "Sweet! Who's up for round two? Jiggy Loud's about to do a pizzy up in this bizzy!"
Rita: "Uh-uh."


THE NEXT DAY
[Charles licks Lincoln awake and he gets up to find that all his clothes stink, so he applies a garbage bag to wear, where he comes across Lynn kicking something around]
Lincoln: "Ew. What is that?"
Lynn: "Bunch of hair from the sink drain. Makes a great footbag."
Lincoln: [goes to check on Lori] "Hey, Lori, now that Lisa stopped back the bills, it must be pretty hard having no cell service."
Lori: "Who needs cell service? I found a new way to text Bobby." [holds up Walt in her hands and gives him a message as her text] "Fly away, my faithful messenger!"
[Walt takes off and smacks into the window, to which Lincoln laughs]
Lori: "What? Phones crash all the time." [opens the window and lets Walt fly]
[Lisa and Lily's room]
Lincoln: "Pretty messy in here. Must be pretty hard to get any work done."
Lisa: "On the contrary. The garbage and my chemicals have fused, creating a scientific breakthrough. I call him Homo Trashilius. Or Trashy for short."
[A living breathing creature made out of trash roars at Lincoln, scaring him off]
Lynn Sr.: "Okay, now should we intervene?"
Rita: "I still think the kids can solve this themselves. Besides the house has...looked worse." [notices Lily crawling around in trash with a chip bag on her head] "Aw, come here, sweetie." [picks her up]
Lynn Sr.: "Round three with Jiggy P?"
[Rita turns it down]


THE NEXT DAY
[A raccoon licks Lincoln awake, thus terrifying both of them; the trash has really been piling up and Lincoln puts on tissue boxes for shoes; Lynn's footbag has gotten so big with hair that she's trapped inside of it]
Lynn: "HELP! MY FOOTBAG'S OUT OF CONTROL!"
Lincoln: "This could all be over if you'd just end your strike."
Lynn: [shakes fist] "NOT TILL YOU END YOURS!!!" [rolls away]
[The doorbell rings; Lincoln answers it]
Reporter: "Hi, we're from the Miss Cute N' Mean pageant, here to do a behind the scenes interview with Miss Lola Loud."
[Lola comes down in her ensemble now covered in trash]
Lola: [singing] "🎶 Here she is! The next Cute N' Mean! 🎶" [poses and farts]
Reporter: "Ew! More like Miss Gross N' Gnarly! Interview over!"
[The crew leaves]
Lola: "NO!" [growls at Lincoln] "You...THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT!!!" [starts chasing Lincoln]
[Lori is watching and laugh at Lincoln's torture; just then, Clyde enters, happy to see her]
Clyde: "Lori!"
[Lori shrieks in horror to see that Walt sent her text to Clyde instead of Bobby]
Clyde: "Walt brought me your text. Usually, I bleed profusely from my nose, turn into a robot, and eventually faint when I'm around you, but this has given me the confidence to say...I LOVE YOU, TOO!"
Lori: "WHAT?!"
Clyde: "Don't worry. I already broke the news to Bobby. He took it pretty hard, but a really nice cheerleader is consoling him." [puckers his lips hoping for a kiss]
Lincoln: "Phew! Finally lost Lola."
Lori: [enraged] "YOU!!!" [chases Lincoln who runs away in panic and is unable to lose her]
[Trashy has grown quite a bit and grabs the two of them]
Lisa: "TRASHY! BAD!" [realizes she's still on her call] "No, no, not you, Janice."
Lincoln: "Lisa! What have you been feeding him?"
Lisa: "His name is Trashy. What do you think, genius?"
[Trashy roars voraciously and Lily starts crying off in the distance]
Trashy: "Baby?"
Lori: "Great, Lincoln. You made Lily cry."
[The kids and Trashy check Lily's crib]
Lincoln: "There, there. It's okay, Lily." [pulls out the covers only to find that the raccoon is in Lily's crib instead of Lily]
Lana: [catches it] "I'm more than just poop patrol."
[Lana tosses the raccoon at the window which is closed; the raccoon gets frustrated and opens it up and leaves]
Lincoln: "Guys, if the raccoon was in the crib...then where's Lily?"
[The girls and Trashy gasp and everyone starts searching for her]
Kids: "LILY!!!"
Lincoln: "She's in here somewhere!"
Lucy: "We'll never find her in this mess."
Lincoln: "We have to clean up!" [holds up sign] "I declare this strike officially over!" [breaks it and gets a splinter] "Ow! Who's with me?"
Sisters: "WE ARE!!!" [break their signs]
Lisa: [calls Janice] "Janice, how soon can we get back on the grid? 24 hours? What if I throw in a muffin basket?"
[Janice obliges and puts them back on the grid; the kids continue to search for Lily in their junkyard of a house]
Lincoln: "Come on! You gotta be around here somewhere!"
[They hear Lily making noises and it sounds like it's coming from the kitchen]
Lincoln: "Hang on, Lily! Your big brother's coming!" [searches around as fast he can]
Lucy: [interrupts him] "There's a better way."
Luan: "Wash and learn!" [laughs and starts doing the dishes at breakneck speed]
Lucy: "Sigh." [dries it with her breath]
[Lynn is still trapped in her hairy footbag and Luna vacuums it up and sets her free; Lynn catches all incoming plates and Lincoln checks the basement]
Lincoln: "Hang on, Lily! I'm coming!" dives into a laundry pile stacked up high but starts to drown] "So...much...underwear!"
Lori: [saves him] "Yeah, and that's just Dad's. Now get outta my way, little bro. I've got a system." [starts washing and folding until she has gotten every single pair only to meet up with Clyde in the hamper]
Clyde: "Hey, sugar lips. Should our couple name be "Clori" or "Llyde"?"
Lori: "Bobby and I are back together."
[This breaking news causes Clyde to lose his confidence and do what he usually does when he sees Lori]
Clyde: [gets a nosebleed; starts acting like a robot] "ABORT. ABORT." [faints]
[Everyone is doing their best to clean house and find Lily, but to no avail on the latter]
Lana: "Poop patrol is done, but no Lily!"
Lola: "Beds are made, no Lily!"
Trashy: [checks under the sofa] "No baby!"
Lola: "Maybe she's under all this trash!"
Lincoln: "Step aside!" [gets out a trash bag] "Taking out the trash...is my job."
[Lincoln eyes Trashy who gulps and takes all the trash out]
Lori: "Well, we've all done our chores, and there's still no Lily."
Lincoln: [guilty] "This is all my fault! For the rest of my life..." [familiar giggling] "...I"ll be haunted by the sound of her adorable giggling!"
Rita: "Lincoln, what are you crying about?"
Lincoln: "Mom, I confess! We lost-" [surprised]"... Lily? Have you guys had her this whole time?"
Rita: [holding Lily in her arms] "Of course. You didn't think we'd leave her in that mess, did you?"
Lynn Sr.: "You know, we're proud of you guys for working this out. Now, who wants to a puzzle with J to the Iggy?"
Kids: "Who?"


[Later on, Lincoln, while wearing his normal clothes again walks outside with his sign]
Lincoln: [to the viewers] "When it comes to chores, nobody in the Loud House has it easy. The truth is, we all do our fair share." [feeds his strike sign to Trashy]
Mr. Grouse: "Hey, Loud! Don't bother! There's no trash pickup this week! The garbage workers are striking for more money!"
Lincoln: "Wait! They get paid to take out the trash?!"
[The kids are now back on strike demanding an allowance for their chores]
Kids: [chanting] "ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR! GIVE US CASH OR NO MORE CHORES!"
Rita: "Any ideas, J Pizzy?"
Lynn Sr.: "Now this is a puzzle." [giddy] "Can you call me that again?"
Rita: "J Pizzy."
Lynn Sr.: "YES!"

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