The following is a transcript for the episode "ARGGH! You For Real?".
[One night at the Loud House, Lincoln and Clyde are watching their favorite show]
Hunter: "Welcome back to ARGGH! I'm Hunter Specter, and we're in a haunted salon in Erie, Pennsylvania, tracking the ghost of Armando the Hairdresser." [kicks open the door] "Wait a minute!" [holds out detector] "I'm picking up something on my ARGGH! ghost detector."
[The device finds a stronger signal and one of the chairs suddenly rotates on its own]
Hunter: [gasps] "There he is! Now to trap him in my ghost containment device!" [activates his device which sucks up some fallen hairs] "Ugh! Does anyone sweep this floor?" [notices all of the chairs rotating crazily] "He's on the run! I'm gonna have to improvise!" [cleans the hairs out of his containment device, opens it up, and holds up hairdryers] "Back! Back, poncy hairdresser!" [blows away the ghost's ectoplasmic energy into the device] "Got him! By a hair! Ha ha!"
Lincoln: [ecstatic] "That was amazing!"
Clyde: [equally ecstatic] "I know!"
Lincoln: "I thought he was a goner."
Clyde: "When that chair spun around, I peed a little. I'm gonna write my weekly fan letter to Hunter right now, while I'm still excited."
Hunter: "Don't forget to tune in next week for more of ARGGH!'s tour of the 25 most haunted places in America. We'll be visiting a spooky groundskeeper's house at a cemetery in Royal Woods, Michigan."
[The map on-screen pinpoints the location]
Lincoln and Clyde: "Did he just say Royal Woods, Michigan?"
Lincoln: "Now I peed a little!"
ONE WEEK LATER
[Lincoln and Clyde are riding Clyde's dads' tandem bike to the set]
Lincoln: "This is it, Clyde! You ready to watch Hunter Specter in action?"
Clyde: "I was born ready, Lincoln! Well, actually, I was born a month early, so I wasn't ready for much of anything."
[They arrive at the house with a big audience attending]
Lincoln: "Whoa. Who knew there were this many ARGGH! fans?" [He and Clyde struggle to see the action in the back of the crowd] "This is unacceptable! We can't even see Hunter!"
Clyde: "Don't worry, buddy." [busts out a periscope] "I've got my trusty ARGGH! ghost-seeking periscope." [uses it]
Lincoln: "What do you see?"
Clyde: "Some kind of cave. With a lot of stalactites and waxy-looking boulders."
[It's revealed that the periscope is in a burly man's ear; he takes the periscope and tears it up and snarls at the boys who chuckle nervously]
Lincoln: "Come on, Clyde. I have a better idea."
[They dash off as Hunter begins his show]
Hunter: "Okay, ARGGH! cadets, this is it! I'm going in. But don't worry." [shows a monitor of him showing the monitor of him, etc.] "You'll be able to watch all the paranormal action on this screen. So, until we meet again, cadets."
[Hunter steps into the house and the crowd cheers. Lincoln and Clyde climb a tree]
Lincoln: "Sweet! Right, Clyde. We have a great view of the screen."
Clyde: "Totally. It almost makes me forget about my fear of heights." [looks down] "Almost." [falls from the tree with Lincoln in tow] "Gah! I've landed on my official ARGGH! ghost handcuffs."
Stage Manager: [to the boys] "Hey, you two, no lying down on the job! Set your walkies to Channel 4 and get your butts in that house. We're about to start shooting."
Clyde: "No, ma'am. We don't work for ARGGH!-"
Lincoln: [shuts Clyde up] "'Cause you know what they say, when you do what you love, you never work a day in your life. Heh heh. Come on, Clyde. We'd better get to our posts."
[The boys head off to the set]
Stage Manager: "That's more like it."
[The boys enter the house and see everyone setting up for the hunt. Hunter blows his nose and throws his tissue in the trash]
Clyde: "Lincoln, did you see that? I gotta get that tissue for my scrapbook."
Lincoln: "Okay. I'll cover for you."
Clyde: "I want that tissue, Lincoln."
[They sneak over to the bin only for the manager to catch them]
Stage Manager: "Hey, what are you two doofuses doing? Get over to your position and do not miss your cue." [pushes them to said position] "Quiet on the set! And action!"
[The filming begins]
Hunter: [clears throat] "On this special episode of ARGGH!, we're going to be hunting for the ghost of Groundskeeper Jim. Locals say you can still hear him some nights, dragging his shovel around the empty house." [hears something] "Hello? Hello? Are you here now, Groundskeeper Jim?"
[One of the staff members starts flicking the lights on and off]
Hunter: "It's a sign! He's in the house!"
[The crowd gasps]
Lincoln: [to the staff member] "Hey, man, quit playing with the lights. Hunter's trying to catch a ghost."
Stage Manager: "Shh!"
Hunter: [holding his detector] "This will help me keep track of the ghost's exact location."
[The manager throws a rock against the wall]
Hunter: [gasps] "He's right there!" [rushes to the spot] "Aha! Gotcha cornered, Groundskeeper Jim!"
Stage Manager: [to the boys] "Psst! Psst! Fire the gelatin!"
[The boys grab turkey basters filled with gelatin]
Stage Manager: "Fire! FIRE!"
[The boys fire the gelatin right at Hunter]
Hunter: [covered in the stuff] "Ah! Ectoplasm! He's attacking me!" [starts "struggling"] "He's shockingly strong!" [grabs his containment device] "Take this!" [opens it up and captures the "spirit"] "Got him! Sorry, Jim, you're grounded!"
[The crowd cheers for Hunter's success except for the burly man]
Tall Burly Man: [cleaning his ear] "What was that? I can't hear anything!"
[The lights come back on and the staff member turns off the fan]
Staff Manager: "And cut! Great job, everyone."
Hunter: [to Lincoln and Clyde] "Nice work with the gelatin, guys. I didn't think you'd hit me in the face, but I went with it. Made the scene even more believable." [laughs and leaves]
[Lincoln and Clyde gasp in utter shock]
[The boys are angrily cycling back home]
Lincoln: [livid] "I can't believe Hunter's a fake! Think about all the time we've wasted watching five seasons of ARGGH!. I could have learned to play the banjo." [notices his friend is silent] "Clyde, you're kind of quiet back there."
Clyde: [despondent] "Lincoln, I just don't wanna talk about it right now."
Lincoln: "I get that, buddy."
[The next day, Lincoln is deleting all of his ARGGH! recordings]
Lincoln: "Delete, delete, delete, delete, delete...de-lete."
Lola: "What are you doing, big brother?"
Lincoln: "I'm getting rid of all my recorded episodes of ARGGH!."
Lola: "Ooh! Goody! More room for my show about plastic surgeries gone wrong."
[Someone calls Lincoln on his walkie-talkie, and it's not Clyde]
Man's Voice: "Lincoln? Come in, Lincoln."
Lincoln: [responding] "Clyde? You sound old."
Harold: "Ha, this is Clyde's dad. Can you come over? Clyde is having an episode, and I was specifically asked not to call Dr. Lopez on her vacation."
Lincoln: "I'll be right there."
[The McBride house. A pile of Clyde's belongings is in the hallway]
Harold: "He's been throwing out his favorite possessions. He said something about them all being fake. At least I think that's what he said. It was hard to hear over Howard's crying."
Howard: "Well, can you blame me? It's not just his things. He said he doesn't believe in birthday wishes, magicians, or leprechauns anymore; all the things that make our little guy so special." [starts crying again]
Lincoln: "Wait. I think I know what's going on." [goes into Clyde's room] "Clyde, look. I know you're upset about Hunter, but-"
Clyde: "I'm not upset, I'm grateful. He opened my eyes to what a chump I've been. I mean, if he's a fake, everything else must be fake, too." [tosses out some plates with Howard bawling]
Lincoln: "Your Operation Dessert Storm commemorative plates?"
Clyde: "Pssh! That show's gotta be rigged! No one could really caramelize 100 crème brûlées in five minutes." [tosses something to Lincoln]
Lincoln: "Our anti-alien abduction helmets?"
Clyde: [laughs] "Aliens. There's no such thing."
Lincoln: Clyde, you don't have to give up on everything you've ever believed in."
Clyde: "Oh, but I do, Lincoln. I do." [tosses something else out]
Lincoln: "Clyde, that was your clock radio."
Lincoln: [to Clyde's dads] "It's worse than I thought, and I know who's to blame." [begins to leave]
Howard: "Where are you going?"
Lincoln: "To see a man about a ghost."
[Back at the cemetery, Lincoln catches the ARGGH! crew just in time]
Lincoln: "Hunter Specter, if that's really your name."
Hunter: [sighs] "I already told you guys, payday is Wednesday."
Lincoln: "I'm not on your crew. I'm a fan. Well, I was until I saw what really happens on your show."
Hunter: [disappointed] "Oh."
Lincoln: "I can handle it, but my friend Clyde is crushed. He was your biggest fan. He wrote you a litter every week."
Hunter: "Wait, that Clyde? He's the only fan who noticed when I switched to an all-cotton jumpsuit. Oh, I feel terrible. I didn't get into this business to trick kids. I wanted to hunt ghosts."
Lincoln: "Then why don't you?"
Hunter: "Oh, it's TV. We have a schedule, and if we can't find ghosts, we have to fake it."
Lincoln: "Yeah? Well, now Clyde thinks everything he ever loved is fake."
Hunter: "I wish I could undo that, but I don't know how. We all know there's not a real ghost here."
Lincoln: [inspired] "Or is there?"
[Back at the McBride House, Clyde is swimming while eating]
Howard: "Now, Clyde, you'll have to wait an hour after eating to go swimming. You'll get cramps."
Clyde: [doubtful] "That's just a myth, Dad. I suppose next you'll tell me if I make this face..." [makes a dorky face] "...it could freeze that way? What a load!"
Howard: [gasps] "That's it! I'm calling Dr. Lopez!" [sobbing]
Harold: "Howard, no! She needs this vacation. She and Robert are trying to make it work."
[Clyde's phone rings]
Clyde: [answers] "Hey, Lincoln. What's up?"
Lincoln: "Clyde, tune your walkie to channel 4! You've gotta hear this!"
[Clyde does so]
Hunter: [on the other end] "Come in, ARGGH! crew! Return to Royal Woods immediately! I have a real ghost here, but I can't catch him without my equipment!"
Clyde: [to Lincoln] "So? Just more of Hunter's lies."
Lincoln: "But, Clyde, the Royal Woods episode is over! Why would he be lying?"
Hunter: "ARGGH! crew, do you copy?"
Lincoln: "Clyde, we've got the equipment. We can help him."
Lincoln: "Aw, come on!"
Lincoln: "Well...do it for me, then?
Clyde: "Hmm...I guess."
[Lincoln hangs up and he and Hunter smile knowing Clyde is coming]
[Later that night, Lincoln and a reluctant Clyde enter the house]
Hunter: "Ah, my faithful crew guys! Thank you for coming back. There's a real ghost in here."
Clyde: "We're not your crew guys, and why should we believe anything you say?"
Hunter: "'Cause my cherry soda just disappeared and everyone knows Groundskeeper Jim loved cherry soda."
Clyde: [sarcastic] "Wow, you're really going for it."
[The door suddenly slams shut and the lights start flickering, frightening Hunter and Lincoln but not Clyde]
Lincoln: "Uh...that seemed pretty real."
[Clyde looks at him doubtfully and a sound comes from somewhere in the house]
Hunter: [gasps] "Groundskeeper Jim's shovel!"
Clyde: [unconvinced] "Uh-huh."
[A soda can suddenly flies out and hits Clyde in the head]
Clyde: "Oh!" [picks up the can; now suddenly scared] "Ch-ch-ch-cherry? It is him!"
[The trio sees the room being messed up by a mysterious force]
Clyde: "And he's on the run!"
Hunter: "What do you say, guys? Should we catch him?"
[The boys smile and suit up in their ARGGH! crew outfits. A picture frame falls off with a malicious laugh]
Hunter: "He's over there!"
[The force goes into a room and shuts the door]
Clyde: "I got this!" [charges] "YAAAAAH!!!" [lunges at the door only to get stuck in it] "A little help?"
[Lincoln and Hunter get him out; they enter the room and find a rattling in a dresser]
Lincoln: "He's in there."
Hunter: "Follow my lead."
[He leads the way and they follow closely, positioning themselves on each side of the dresser]
Hunter: [holding his containment device] "Now!"
[The boys open up the door as the device activates and begins pulling in the force as they scream]
Hunter: "It's working!"
[The device pulls in the force and closes]
Hunter: "Ha, ha!"
Lincoln, Clyde, and Hunter: "We got him!"
Clyde: "Incredible! That was amazing, Hunter! I'm going home to write you another fan letter right now!" [leaves] "I BELIEVE! I BELIEVE!"
Lincoln: "I feel bad about lying to Clyde, but I'm glad he believes again."
Hunter: [collecting what really made the dresser shake] "This paint can shaker really did the trick."
Lincoln: [holding a string that closed the door mysteriously] "And the fishing line on the door was perfect."
Hunter: "And that spring behind the picture frame worked like a charm."
Lincoln: "And that was a nice touch with the flying soda can. I didn't know you were gonna do that."
Hunter: "Yes, I-" [baffled] "wait. I thought you did that."
Lincoln: [confused] "No..."
[Suddenly, the device opens and something inside belches, making Hunter and Lincoln gasp in horror]
[The next night, the boys are watching ARGGH! at Clyde's]
Hunter: "Hey, ARGGH! cadets, we're here in a haunted tugboat in Milwaukee, where locals say some nights you can see the ghost of Captain Jack swabbing the deck. I can't guarantee we'll find him here tonight, but if we do, he's mine!"
[Clyde's dads have some snacks for them]
Harold: "Hey, guys, got you a little snack."
Howard: "Served on Clyde's Operation Dessert Storm commemorative plates."
Clyde: "Thanks, Dads. But we're going swimming right after this show. So, we should probably wait an hour."
Howard and Harold: "No worries." [leave the room; ecstatic] "Yay!"
Harold: "Oh, our son is back!" [notices his husband making an elated face] "Howie, don't make that face; it'll freeze that way."
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