The following is a transcript for "Along Came a Sister".
[The story begins in Mrs. Johnson's class, and there's a spider in a tank that the students are eyeing]
Lincoln: "Hey, Frank."
Classmate: "Frank! Over here, buddy!"
Clyde: "He's so cool!"
Mrs. Johnson: "Now, before we pack up, I need a volunteer to look after Frank this weekend while I'm out of town."
[The kids all volunteer to look after him, especially Lincoln]
Lincoln: "Come on, please, Mrs. Johnson! Me! Me!"
Mrs. Johnson: "Lincoln."
Clyde: "Way to go, Lincoln!"
[All the other kids moan in disappointment]
Mrs. Johnson: "Now, Lincoln, this is a major responsibility. Frank needs to be fed twice and under no circumstances should he be let out of his cage. Unlike me this weekend." [chuckles]
[The kids all awkwardly glance at each other over what their teacher meant on that last part and the bell rings]
Lincoln: "Well, see ya Monday, Mrs. Johnson." [grabs Frank's cage and heads home]
Lincoln: "This is gonna be the best weekend ever!"
Clyde: "I'm not sure your sister Leni will think so. Remember last Halloween?"
[Flashback to last Halloween; the doorbell rings]
Leni: [dressed as a flamingo] "I got it!" [answers the door to see Clyde in a spider costume]
Clyde: "Trick or tre-"
Leni: "AAAHH!!! SPIDER!!!" [sprays bug spray everywhere and runs out the door while trampling Clyde]
Clyde: "I'm all right..."
Clyde: "She hid in her room for three weeks."
[Lincoln stops and turns to the viewers]
Lincoln: "If I had to worry about my sisters every time I wanted to do something, I'd never do anything." [to Clyde] "Besides, I have a plan. Stealth mode." [waves his hand in front of his face and changes his expression and sneaks into the house]
Clyde: "Now I'm worried."
[Lincoln opens the door to see if Leni is around]
Leni: "SPIDER!!!" [being chased by Luan holding a rubber spider over her face] "GET IT AWAY! GET IT AWAY!"
Luan: "Aw, come on. It's fake."
[Lincoln conceals Frank's tank with a trench coat and hears Walt chirping and covers up his cage with a hoodie; he makes it to his room and uncovers Frank's tank]
Lincoln: "There you go, buddy."
[Someone's knocking at the door and reveals to be Lana with Lola's doll]
Lana: "Can I borrow the big kid scissors?" [sees Frank and gasps] "Hey, what's that? Oh-ho! He's so creepy! Can I play with him? Can I?"
Lincoln: "No, no. Frank stays in the cage."
[Enter an angry Lola]
Lola: "Lana, give me back my dolly!" [sees Frank, gasps and squeals] "He's so adorable!"
Twins: "Has Leni seen this?"
Lincoln: "No. And we want to keep it that way, don't way? So, shh."
Lisa: "Excuse me, some of us are trying to solve for Y." [sees Frank] "Ooh! Is that an aphonopelma chalcodes?"
Lincoln: "Uh...it's a tarantula. My class calls him Frank."
Lisa: [gets a closer look, along with the twins in awe] "Fascinating specimen. Has Leni seen this?"
Lincoln: "No! That's why I'm trying to keep him a..."
[In no time, all of the other sisters who are not Leni are gathering around Frank's tank and ogling him]
[The girls keep looking at him]
Luna: "Has Leni seen it?"
Lincoln: "Guys, for the last time! Leni's not gonna see--"
[Leni opens the door]
Leni: "See what?"
Siblings: [covering up Frank's tank] "NOTHING!"
[Leni gasps and her siblings gasp back]
Leni: "Oh, my gosh! Are you planning a surprise party for me?! Wait! Don't tell me. I wanna be surprised." [leaves]
[The others sigh with relief]
Lori: [leaving with the others] "That was close. You'd better know what you're doing, Lincoln." [leaves Lincoln to it]
[Lincoln looks in the tank to see that Frank is looking a little upset]
Lincoln: "Hey, you look a little sluggish, buddy. Bet you'd really like to get out and stretch your legs. I guess a few minutes wouldn't hurt." [carefully places Frank out of his tank and onto his drawer] "Now, where did I put those crickets?" [gets them out of his backpack] "Maybe this'll cheer you up." [notices he's gone] "Frank? Where'd you go? Frank, come out! This isn't funny!" [beat] "Crud..." [gets out a magnifying glass and looks for Frank] "Where are you, Frank? Where are you? Where are you? Where are you?" [bumps into the twins]
Twins: "Where's who?"
Lincoln: [faking relief] "There you are! The two cutest twins in town! Found 'em! See ya!" [takes off]
Lola: "He was talking about me."
Lana: "I sure hope so."
[The twins go back to skipping rope; Lincoln checks Lisa's research table and knocks over a few of her beakers]
Lisa: "What in Schrödinger's Cat?!"
Lincoln: "Sorry, Lis! I'll clean it up later."
[An explosion occurs which blows Cliff away and Lynn comes running out of her room playing Basketball, which worries Lincoln]
Lincoln: "Lynn! Freeze!"
Lynn: [freezes] "We're playing Freeze Tag? Cool!"
[Lincoln checks Luna and Luan's room and gets bonked by Luna's drumstick during her jam session]
Lincoln: "Really dig what you're laying down there, sis!" [checks their closet and sees a spider and thinks it's Frank] "Gotcha!"
Luan: [she takes off her Groucho Marx glasses while she was reading a Comedy for Dummies book] "What are you doing with my fake spider?"
Lincoln: "Fake? Oh, nothing." [hands it back] "Here. And here's your fake dog poop."
Luan: "I don't have any fake dog poop." [Lincoln reviles in disgust] "Just kidding!"
[They both laugh and Lincoln resumes his search]
Lincoln: "Where are you. Where are you? Where are you?" [checks under the bathroom door]
Lori: [bursts open the door] "What are you doing, you weirdo?!"
Lincoln: "I'm...uh...looking for my contact lens! Oh! There it is!" [picks up a lint ball and pits it in his eye, making it squint] "That's better." [runs off to his room past Lynn who's still standing still]
Lynn: [through clenched teeth] "Can I unfreeze now?"
Lincoln: [frantic] "Crud, crud, crud!"
[The others open the door]
Lori: "Alright, Lincoln! You don't wear contacts! What is going on?"
Luna: "You've been acting even weirder than usual, bro."
Lola: "Yeah. There's no way you think Lana is cute."
[Lana picks her nose in agreement and they demand answers]
Lincoln: "Okay, I'll tell you! Well, Frank was looking sluggish, so I took him out of his cage to get a little exercise, and then I turned to get the crickets, and he was gone."
[The girls ramble about Lincoln's idiocy and worry about Leni finding out about Frank; Leni appears]
Leni: "What are we whispering about? Oh right! My surprise party! Don't worry. I won't tell me!"
[The second she turns around, Frank is shown to be on her back and the others scream in horror and follow them to the kitchen]
Leni: "See? I know nothing. Just making a smoothie." [opens the fridge to get her ingredients]
[When her back is turned, it's revealed that Frank is gone again; they mutter about the issue at hand and fear what could happen next]
Leni: "Oh, I need milk." [opens the fridge where Frank happens to be on the milk bottle]
Lisa: "Wait!" [slams fridge shut] "You're lactose intolerant!"
Leni: "No, I'm not. I'm tolerant of everyone, whether they lack toes or not." [opens the fridge again]
Siblings: "NOOOO!!!" [notice Frank's not in that spot anymore] "Huh?" [sigh with relief]
Lily: "Eee, pider!"
[Frank is scurrying across the floor and Luna traps him under a pot; Leni turns around to see what's going on and Luna and Lily pretend to have a jam session by banging pots and pans and utensils together; Leni digs the beat; as she's too distracted by the tune, they look under the pot to see Frank escaped again]
Leni: "So, who wants to try my new recipe? It's curds and..." [takes a sip while Lincoln notices Frank on the ceiling light] "...way, way too much spinach!" [her siblings gasp] "Ugh! I know! What was I thinking?"
[Frank plops right onto her glass]
Leni: [thinking it's fake] "Ha! Nice try, Luan, but I'm not falling for another one of your fake spiders. Though, this one looks pretty real."
[Frank blinks, leading Leni to realize...]
Leni: "AAAHH!!! SPIDER!!!" [busts out the bug spray]
[Too late; Leni unleashes a massive spray cloud to ensure she got Frank]
Leni: [running off in fury] "WORST SURPRISE PARTY EVER!!!"
[The cloud clears up and Lincoln spots what appears to be Frank's corpse]
Lincoln: [lamenting] "Frank! No-ho-ho-ho-ho!"
Lucy: "I just wanna say I'm sorry for your loss...and that I'd be honored to serve as funeral director." [holds out a brochure for a business she owns called "Lucy's Lament"] "I keep an assortment of caskets on hand. Were you thinking shoebox, or for a little more money, mahogany?"
[Lincoln has settled for the shoe box deal, and everyone who does not fear spiders is there to attend Frank's funeral. Clyde arrives with a casserole dish]
Clyde: "Hey, Lincoln. I brought you this casserole. My nana says that there's no greater comfort in times of grief."
Lincoln: "Thanks." [sighs] "This might as well be my funeral, too. Our whole class is gonna hate me for letting this happen to Frank."
[Everyone, kids and pets, gathers around to pay their respects to Frank]
Lucy: "We are gathered here to mourn the untimely passing of Frank the Tarantula, a pet beloved by all."
Lola: [spiteful] "Except Leni!"
Lana: "The murderer!"
Lori: "Yeah! This is all Leni's fault!"
[The others agree except Lincoln]
Lincoln: "Guys, this isn't Leni's fault. It's mine."
[Meanwhile, in the kitchen, Leni is washing her hands to wash away any and all tracings of Frank]
Leni: "Ew! Ew! Ew!" [overhears Lincoln]
Lincoln: "I knew Leni was afraid of spiders, but I brought Frank home, anyway. It was a bad idea. I guess I deserve to have my whole class hate me."
[Cliff prematurely coughs up a hairball]
Lola: "Ew! Gross, Cliff! Show some respect!"
Lana: [notices something odd] "Weird! This hairball looks like Frank!" [picks it up]
Lola: "Ew! Gross, Lana! Show some respect!"
[Lincoln then looks at the hairball and the corpse]
Lincoln: "Because this isn't Frank! It's a hairball, too! Which means...Frank could still be alive!"
???: "AAAHH! SPIDER!"
Lincoln: "And it sounds like Leni just found him!"
Clyde: "Uh, that wasn't Leni. I know that scream."
[Another flashback to last Halloween; Clyde had come to after Leni had mistaken him for a spider and attacked him]
Clyde: [coughs a little] "Oh, hi, Mr. Loud. Trick or tre-"
Lynn Sr.: "AAAHH!!! SPIDER!!!" [tramples Clyde and runs after Leni]
Clyde: "I'm all right."
Luna: [grinning] "Dad's afraid of spiders?"
[A pest control van pulls up out front]
Lori: [concerned] "And it looks like he's got the exterminator on speed dial!"
[The kids watch as the exterminator gets out of his van and notices two caterpillars]
Exterminator: "Oh, hello, cute little caterpillar family." [shots them with bug killer and laughs wickedly]
Lincoln: "It's okay, sir. There's been a misunderstanding. You don't need to kill the spider."
Exterminator: "Huh. What are you, a spider hugger? Nobody stops me from getting my spider..." [heads into the house to find and kill Frank]
Lincoln: "I gotta go save Frank!"
Lynn: [still in her freeze tag pose and through clenched teeth] "We can help!"
Clyde: "I can help, too!"
[They all request Lincoln to let them help him]
Lincoln: "Okay. You guys distract the exterminator while I look for Frank."
[The others head in to do their job, but Lynn is hopping about; Lincoln runs up to her and tags her]
[Lynn now hustles]
Luna: [fake screaming] "There's a big scary spider in the last room on the right! I hope someone can exterminate this ugly spider!"
[The exterminator sprays what looks like a spider and laughs triumphantly, but it turns out to have been one of Luan's fake spiders, making the exterminator flinch]
Luan: [tauntingly, wearing her Groucho glasses and holding a fishing pole with a fake spider in it] "What's the matter? Afraid of a little rubber spider?" [laughs]
Exterminator: "I ain't afraid of nothin'."
Lucy: [right behind the exterminator] "Excuse me." [the exterminator screams at the sight of her and Luan smiles] "The scary spider went in there." [points to the bathroom]
Exterminator: [checking under the bathroom door] "Hmm..." [sniffs]
Lori: [bursts open the door] "What are you doing, you weirdo?!"
Exterminator: [embarrassed] "Oh, well, uh...I-I-I-I-I-I-I didn't..."
[Clyde appears in his spider costume from last Halloween]
Clyde: "Roar! I'm a spider. Come and get me!" [the exterminator nonchalantly shoves him aside] "I'm all right."
[The twins ensnare the exterminator into a jumprope tangle and high five each other and Lily shoves her pacifier in his mouth; he spits it out in disgust]
Lisa: "Kids. They can be so juvenile. Mouthwash?" [shoves the container in his mouth, and when he sloshes it, it's revealed to be a little spicy] "My special ghost pepper formula. The tingle means it's working."
[Enter Lincoln] "Frank's not downstairs. So, he must be..." [spots him]
Exterminator: [coldly] "Upstairs..."
[Lincoln tries to save Frank, but the exterminator tangles him with the jump rope and beats him to Frank]
Exterminator: "Ha! I've got you now!"
[Frank trembles in fear of his untimely demise]
Lincoln: [begging] "WAIT! STOP! NOOOOOO!!!"
[The exterminator blasts bug killer everywhere, thus dooming Frank; the kids all gasp at his untimely demise, just as the cloud dissipates, someone in a hazmat suit appears]
[The person in the hazmat suit takes off their helmet and reveals to be Leni and it shows she just save Frank]
Lincoln: [overjoyed] "FRANK!"
[The other kids cheer]
Exterminator: [threateningly] "Why you..."
Leni: [strong-willed] "Hold it right there, mister! If you exterminate this spider, you'll exterminate..." [pointing to Lincoln] "...this boy's future! Everyone will think he's a spider killer and no one will ever trust him again! Do you really want that on your conscience?"
Exterminator: [remorseful] "Wow...I never thought of it that way. Lady, you just changed my life."
Lincoln & Leni: "Really?"
Exterminator: [disdainfully] "Of course not, you spider huggers! Exterminator out! Here's my bill." [plants the bill on Clyde's face and leaves]
Lincoln: "Leni! That was amazing! But why?"
Leni: "I heard what you said at the funeral. And besides, maybe spiders aren't so bad after all. I mean, this one's kinda cute." [second thoughts] "No, it's not! Take it! Take it!" [gives Frank back and runs off] "Ew ew ew ew ew! It blinked at me!"
Lincoln: "Let's get you back in your cage, Frank."
Lisa: "I always thought Frank was a strange name for a female spider."
Lincoln: "Frank's a girl?"
Lisa: "Mm-hmm. I can tell from the markings. Plus, female spiders always get sluggish before they give birth."
Clyde: "Frank's gonna be a mommy?"
[Monday; Frank has now been renamed Frances and all the sisters who are not Leni bid farewell to her]
Lincoln: "I'll miss you, Frank, but I'm glad things are gonna be back to normal around here."
[In her room, Leni is brushing her hair]
[However, it seems Frances laid her egg sac in the vents; the babies hatch and scurry into Leni's room]
Leni: "AAAAAAAHHHHH!!! SPIDERS!!!!!"
[Lincoln has a look on his face that just reads "Uh-oh"]
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