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A Novel Idea/Script

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The following is a transcript for "A Novel Idea".

Script

Lynn Sr.: [cheerfully] "C'mon, girls, it's time for Take Your Daughter To Work Day!"
[Lori, Leni, Luna, Luan, Lynn, Lucy, Lana, Lola, and Lisa stampede down the stairs]
Lori, Leni, Luna, Luan, Lynn, Lucy, Lana, Lola, and Lisa: "Yay!"
[Lincoln strolls by elegantly, wearing lavish girly makeup]
Lincoln: "As another one of your daughters, I too cannot wait for this day."
[Lynn Sr. traps Lincoln with his hand as Lincoln is about to exit the doorway]
Lynn Sr.: "Hold it right there."
Lincoln: "What's wrong, Daddy?"
Lynn Sr.: "Nice try Lincoln, but it's Take Your Daughter To Work Day."
Lincoln: [takes off his wig, disappointed] "Come on, Dad. Every year, they get to go with you to work and have an awesome time, and I get stuck at home."
Lynn Sr.: "Sorry, pal. Besides, my office isn't that awesome."
Luna: [eagerly excited] "Hurry, Pops! We don't wanna miss the donut cannon!"
Lynn Sr.: [just as excited] "I'll bring you back a jelly-filled!" [heads to the car]
[The girls cheer and the van heads off for the office]
Rita: "You know, it's not fair that you should have to miss out on Take Your Daughter To Work Day."
Lincoln: "Really?" [puts wig back on and applies lipstick]
Rita: "Yep. So I'm officially making today Take Your Son To Work Day. You're coming with me."
Lincoln: "Wait. To the dentist's office? I don't know, Mom."
Rita: "Hey, come on. I know it's not as exciting as Dad's office, but you're Lincoln Loud. You can make anything fun."
Lincoln: "Well, I guess that's true. Okay. I'm in." [goes off in his lavish girly disguise]
Mr. Grouse: "Nice dress, Loud!"
[Lincoln comes to a screeching halt, as does the music]
Lincoln: [coughs] "Right after I change." [goes to change]


[The dentist's office. Some patients have some really bad dental work. Dr. Feinstein's patient Tara comes out after having a really bad tooth taken out.]
Dr. Feinstein: "Okay, Tara, the pain will go away in a few days. In the meantime, here's a lollipop." [gives Tara a lollipop and turns to his assistant, Lincoln's mother] "Good morning, Rita."
Rita: "Good morning, Dr. Feinstein. You remember my son, Lincoln?"
Dr. Feinstein: "Sure I do. Let's see how those permanent teeth are coming in. Open." [pulls Lincoln's nose and opens his mouth; sees some plaque building up] "Mm-hm. Have you been flossing?"
Lincoln: "Uh-huh. Every night."
Dr. Feinstein: [disbelieving] "Sure you have." [goes back into his office.]
[A vacant office.]
Rita: "Okay, Lincoln, while I'm working, you can hang out in here and read comics." [hands Lincoln some dental comics]
[Lincoln looks excited and then disappointed]
Lincoln: "Teddy Toothbrush VS the Evil Ninjavitis?"
Rita: "Mm-hmm. My favorite issue is number four: Fastest Gums In The West." [imitates whip motion and noise]
Lincoln: "Can't I hang out with you while you work?"
[Enter Dr. Feinstein]
Dr. Feinstein: "Rita, I have an abscess that needs to be drained. Bring a bucket."
Lincoln: [gags a little] "Actually, I'm good here."
[Rita is writing something]
Rita: "Be right there, doctor." [leaves]
Lincoln: "Okay, I can make this fun."
[The Blue Danube Waltz by Johann Strauss II plays as Lincoln lifts himself up in a patient's chair, pretending to be an astronaut in space]
Lincoln: "This is Captain Loud to Ground Control." [makes radio hiss sound] "I can see Uranus from here, and boy, is it gassy. This is one small step for man, one giant leap for-" [notices something] "Lana?!"
[It turns out his father's office is across the street from the dentist's office. Lana and Lynn are spinning around in office chairs and laughing. Luna has the donut cannon and is firing donuts everywhere.]
Luna: "YEAH!!!"
Lincoln: "Dad's office is across the street? No fair! I can't compete with that!" [slams his fist on the adjustments and the chair starts folding back on him] "Houston, we have a problem!" [tries pushing more buttons only to get further crushed] "MAYDAY! MAYDAY!" [pushes more and gets flown out of the chair]
[The supply room]
Rita: "Let me show you one of the other neat things we've got here." [opens up a cabinet] "We call it Dr. Feinstein's Cabinet Of Fun."
Lincoln: [disappointed] "Oh. Dental supplies."
[Enter Dr. Feinstein]
Dr. Feinstein: "Rita, we have a couple of teens with their braces stuck together."
Rita: "Be right there, doctor." [writes something down and leaves]
Lincoln: "Okay, what have we got here? Dental floss, surgical masks, gloves...I think I can work with this."
[The room is now set up like a jewel heist with the floss acting as a laser security system.]
Lincoln: "Langley, this is Agent Loud. I've got eyes on the president's tooth. Security's tight, but tell POTUS I'm bringing that molar home." [sneaks past the floss lasers and grabs the novelty tooth] "Just another routine job for Agent-" [sees the girls] "OH, FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!"
[The girls and their father are all having a suction cup dart fight. Luna goes in for a side shot. Leni has hers pointed at herself and Lisa changes it so that she's firing correctly. Lynn Sr. sneaks past the crossfire]
Lynn Sr.: "HA! YOU MISSED ME!"
[Lincoln trips over the floss and the supplies from the cabinet of fun fall on top of him]
Lincoln: "Dang it."
[The break room]
Rita: [walks Lincoln over to a fish tank] "The fun isn't over yet! Let me introduce you to our office mascot."
Lincoln: "Whoa. What is it? A piranha? A barracuda? A Great White?"
[A guppy swims by, thus disappointing Lincoln further]
Rita: "Not exactly. Heh. We call him Fisher."
[Enter Dr. Feinstein]
Dr. Feinstein: "Rita, I need you." [with hands covered in caramel] "We've got a caramel apple emergency."
Rita: [writes something down] "I'll be back, Lincoln. Do me a favor and feed Fisher." [hands Lincoln fish food]
Lincoln: "You got it." [pretends to be an Australian wildlife explorer with a faux accent] "Crikey! It's a rare Patagonian dental fish. These babies are known to be fierce predators. I'd better be extra careful feeding them or it's bye-bye, pinky." [adds in fish food but drops too much] "Whoops! That's a few too many shrimps on the barbie for this little guy." [tries to get it out] "Fisher!"
[Fisher slips out of the tank and through a trunk. Lincoln looks for him and Fisher flails into his pants. Lincoln shakes Fisher out and the guppy flies off the wall and back into the tank which Lincoln seals up.]
Lincoln: "I guess it's Lincoln Loud: one, little fishy, zip-" [sees something in his father's office] "-line?!"
[Lucy and Leni are zipping on a zipline over the cubicles while the co-workers are annoyed by their antics]
Lucy: "Wheeeeeeeeeeeeee!"
Lincoln: [sighs] "Why do I even try? This place will never be as fun as Dad's." [sees the arcade next door to his father's office] "But an arcade would be!"
[Enter Rita]
Rita: "We're gonna be another half hour or so, sweetie. There was more caramel than we thought." [gets her glove stuck to the way on her hand gesture] "Think you can keep yourself amused?"
Lincoln: [excited] "Can I?!" [feigning no amusement] "I mean, I'm sure I can think of something."
Rita: "Oh, and would you mind watching my notebook? I don't want the pages to get stuck together." [gives it to Lincoln]
Lincoln: [faux Australian accent] "No worries, mate! I won't let it out of my sight..." [Rita pats his head and leaves; normal voice] "...while I spend the next 30 minutes blasting zombies to smithereens."
[Fisher blows bubbles in disagreement to Lincoln's ploy]
Lincoln: "Oh, hush, Fisher. She'll never even know I'm gone."


[The arcade. Lincoln is playing video games.]
Lincoln: Now this is what I call fun!" [his watch beeps] "Uh-oh! Gotta go!" [heads out and gets back to the dentist's office just in time]
Rita: "Hey, sweetie. How's it going?"
Lincoln: "Great. Just been hanging here with my good bud Fisher." [Fisher blows more bubbles knowing the boy's lying] "Shut it!"
Rita: "Bad news. Dr. Feinstein sat on a numbing needle and he can't feel anything from the waist down. Can you keep watching my notebook?"
Lincoln: [frantic] "NOTEBOOK?!"
[Flashback to him leaving the arcade]
Lincoln: "Uh-oh! Gotta go!"
[The notebook was left back at the arcade. End flashback.]
Lincoln: [worried and trying to keep cool] "Uh...yep. I'm on it. So...you got a lot of important work stuff in there?"
Rita: "Can you keep a secret? It's not for work at all. I've been writing a novel!"
Lincoln: [surprised] "Really?"
Rita: "I'm hoping this book could lead to an exciting new career for me."
Lincoln: [chuckles nervously] "So, that was your only copy, huh? I mean, is your only copy. It's not like something happened to it."
Rita: "Yep. Seven years of hard work between those two covers." [Lincoln gulps nervously] "Hey, thanks for being such a good sport today. How about after work, we go to the arcade next to Dad's office?"
[Lincoln gives a thumbs up and there's a knock at the door. Rita opens it and sees Dr. Feinstein rolling on a chair with his arms thanks to the numbing needle he sat on.]
Dr. Feinstein: "Uh, Rita? I need you to carry me to my 4:00."
[Fisher blows bubbles of guilt toward Lincoln]
Lincoln: "Yeah, I know I messed up. But I'm gonna get it back!"
[Fisher makes a side glance to the viewers. Lincoln goes back to the arcade to get the notebook, but is too late]
Lincoln: [gasps] "It's gone!" [notices something] "Huh?"
[The janitor has picked up the book and dumped it in the bin. Lincoln screams and tries to catch it, but the janitor takes it to the garbage truck and the truck drives off with the novel.]
Lincoln: "No! Wait!" [chases after the truck but is too slow; notices a roller skate stand] "Convenient." [skates after the truck and leaps over obstacles] "Gah! Gross! Gah!"
[A trash bag bumps off the truck and covers Lincoln in garbage. Just then, Lincoln notices a horse and carriage. He uses the horse and rides it like a water skier while holding onto the bridle.]
Lincoln: "YEE-HAW!" [catches up to the garbage truck driver] "Excuse me! Please stop! Pull over!"
Garbageman: "Oh, you wanna race?" [puts on shades] "Let's ride." [accelerates away]
Lincoln: "What? No! Get back here! Come on, boy. Let's get him!" [whips the horse to go faster; screams at the increase of velocity and misses the turnoff from the truck] "Whoa, horsey!"
[The horse stops and Lincoln crashes. Thankfully, the novel fell off the truck and a horn sounds]
Lincoln: "Huh?"
[A street sweeper approaches and catches the book in its brushes. The book flies off and lands on a hot dog cart where it's used as a bun. The vendor gives the customer his order while the latter puts ketchup and relish on it and takes a bite, disliking the papery taste and tosses it]
Lincoln: [catches it] "I got it!"
[Some kid inconveniently twists open a hydrant and blasts Lincoln with a jet of water. The book flies off into a construction zone and lands on a girder which rises up]
Lincoln: "No no no no no!" [puts on a hardhat and uses the lift]
[As Lincoln goes up, the book alternates between rising girders and ends on the top floor. Lincoln gets there and looks down, losing his cool. He inches towards it, but it falls and the girder rises, sending him in danger as he screams for his life. The girder is swinging right by Lynn Sr.'s office window while Lola and Lana are in another suction cup dart fight. Lincoln's cries for help catch Lana's ears]
Lana: "Did you just hear Lincoln?"
Lola: "Lana, focus! We've got Dad's cube mate trapped in the coffee room! SAY YOUR PRAYERS, MARGIE!"
[The twins scream and attack Margie]
Margie: I hate Take Your Daughter To Work Day."
[Lincoln makes it back onto the scaffolding safely and notices the book is now about to be encased in cement. He gets down quickly via a pulley and bucket and rushes and dives and grabs it.]
Lincoln: [triumphant] "YES!"
[At that moment, he realizes the cement has just poured right where he's standing]


[Back at the office, Rita is waiting for Lincoln. He finally arrives panting from his experience.]
Rita: "Lincoln Loud, where have you been? And what is on your feet?"
[The cement dried and sealed Lincoln's feet]
Lincoln: "It's a long story. But the important thing is I've got your notebook."
[The notebook is completely damaged and instantly disintegrates]
Rita: [gasps] "What happened?"
Lincoln: [sighs and gives her a lollipop] "Better take a lollipop."
[Lincoln is explaining everything that happened to the book and how he tried to get it back to Rita]
Lincoln: "...So I jumped into the cement pit and grabbed the notebook, but I guess it was too late."
Rita: [sternly] "Lincoln, you lied to me! You snuck out and you ruined all my hard work!"
Lincoln: "I'm really, really sorry, Mom. I-"
Rita: [calmly] "But you actually might have done me a favor."
Lincoln: [dumbfounded] "I-I did what now?"
Rita: "Well, I was originally writing about a bored dental assistant who talks to her pet fish." [Fisher knows she's referring to him] "But honestly, it wasn't going anywhere. But you've just given me a better idea: I'm gonna write about a fearless thrill seeker with white hair."
Lincoln: "Dr. Feinstein?"
Rita: "No, silly. You."
Lincoln: "Wow. That's awesome."
[They hug]
Lincoln: "I'm sorry about putting you through all this. It was really nice of you to bring me here in the first place."
Rita: "That's okay, sweetie. Now, come on. Let's go home. I can't wait to start writing."
[As they're about to leave, they forgot something]
Lincoln: "Uh, Mom?"
[Lincoln's feet are still encased in cement]
Rita: "Oh, right, sorry." [gets a drill, turns it on, and gives Lincoln a lollipop] "Better take a lollipop. This might pinch a bit."
[Rita begins drilling as Lincoln cringes. Sometime later, Lincoln's feet are free, and he and Rita begin heading home]
Rita:
[taking notes] "So, tell me again how you chased down that garbage truck."
Lincoln: [inspired] "I have a better idea."


[Lynn Sr. and the girls return home after a super fun Take Your Daughter To Work Day]
Lynn Sr.: "Ha ha! Another successful Take Your Daughter To Work Day, eh, girls?"
[The girls cheer in agreement]
Lola: "Margie is so much fun, Dad! What does "leave of absence" mean?"
Lynn Sr.: "Hm...I wonder where your mother and Lincoln are."
Lori: "Aw. I feel bad for them. I bet they literally had the boringest day ever."
[Lori is about to eat her words because Rita and Lincoln come riding down the street reenacting Lincoln's thrill seeking adventure skating with the horse]
Lincoln and Rita: [laughing] "YEE-HAW!"
[Lincoln waves to his father and sisters as they all look with their jaws hanging]
Mr. Grouse: "Nice horse, Loud!"

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